sterile girls

i was listening to Decoding the Gurus podcast episode of Sam Harris and its only vaguely related, but it seems like we live in this time of hyper individualism and self improvement, where u need to constantly reach for new heights in all areas. better job/career, better diet, better body, better relationships, better home... better self. if you stop reaching for more or improving its almost like a failure? of course i can see the value in these attemps also, and i might be a prime example of this in some areas, but i do think the key to so-called happiness is being content in a way, and not always desperately reaching for something even better. finding the balance is difficult but i think im decent at it. what i am not good at is focusing on the moment, living in the present.

i had to get my iphone batery replaced, it was in such a poor state. i had an appt at the Covent Garden flagship store which really is a nice space. the replacement luckily only took an hour, i felt a bit lost during that short time while i had lunch nearby. i did have my old iphone (which i kept for testing work) with me for emergencies but without my usual apps and internet. 

there was someone giving a talk on iphone photography; 

Arizona is such a loving, cute thing. i took her to a vet clinic to be spayed today. now we have something in common, lol. poor thing has a cone though, and is a bit disoriented now, i feel bad for her. she will be adopted soon and a part of me will definitely miss her - she is such a delight.  

i had a breast cancer scare in the spring which was pretty hard mentally, exactly as one would assume. i noticed this lump in my breast randomly and was like WHAT THE...  not a great feeling. statistically, even at this age, most lumps are benign, but the odds (about 20%) of it being cancer still feel looming. i dreaded the thought of my body changing irreparably from surgery, being f*cked up from chemo etc and having to recruit someone to replace me at work. not to mention having to live with the fear or it metastasizing or returning the rest of my life. and im not even going into the worst possible outcomes...  what i am happy with is that i didnt submit to google rabbit holes at any point, i stayed off internet searches. although the things i listed were in my mind, i managed to keep cool especially the first week. all in all i was in this state of uncertainty for just over 2 weeks. it took me a day to get to see a GP and then 2 weeks to be seen at a breast clinic, where i was cleared. i got a private MRI on the side since mammogram is not perfect (and neither is MRI, but together...). there is still one small question mark the MRI raised that i need to follow up on, but ive been lazy about it so its taking a while. to celebrate not having breast cancer, ive bought a few more deep V-necks and bra. 

This podcast episode on AI is interesting; Lenny's Podcast with Anthropic co-founder Benjamin Mann. 

boiled cartilage au gratin with mayo confit is not for me

our little city/interrail + beach holiday was a success i think. meaning i feel content. europe is getting pretty hot in the summer but it was still nice. we saw things, did things... overall good stuff. even ran into some (friends of) friends in spain, as they were staying in the same hotel. it was great to have some company for dinners etc. 

 

below are pics from Lille, Strasbourg, Lyon and Sitges. Paris and Barcelona are not pictured.  

i personally really enjoyed Strasbourg. walkable, cute and comfortable. and Sitges was the perfect holiday spot, chill and green. we didnt do anything though, i laid by the pool in shade listening to audiobooks and daydreaming. sometimes dipping into the pool which was comfortable warm.  

french cuisine is widely regarded as amazing but i admit im not on board. i have had good food in french restaurants, but a lot of the time im underwhelmed or disappointed. i guess its just not my taste profile. im also fine with unusual things, from cow tongue to critters, but the french cartilage soups and bone marrow toasts just tasted gross to me. not to mention deep fried fat. finding veggie options is also hard, but thats another issue entirely.  

the 2.5 weeks in europe, including interrail tickets, accommodation and food&drink was about the same as 2 weeks in the caribbean (all incl w flights). obviously europe has cheaper countries too, this was just an observation. im not saying one is better than the other either, i really like city holidays in europe and it had been a while. 

Andrew Ewell’s book Set For Life (some kind of novel/autofiction) got harder and harder to plough through. it had issues sounding realistic from the get go - maybe a stylistic thing that i’m just not a fan of - but it got worse and not a single character was likeable. maybe that’s life, and maybe that’s very intentional, to set the tone. perhaps no one in that scenario was likeable from the protagonists point of view, including himself. but that coupled with me thinking “this doesn’t sound real” just got increasingly difficult and i gave up after some 85%. i then started his ex-wife’s book We Are Too Many, but i think it doesn’t work very well in audio as there’s a lot of conversations. i will try to read instead maybe. 

my friend is having root canal treatment and apparently the nerve had necrosis, wtf?! that sounds dangerous but maybe with teeth it’s not that unheard off. i feel lucky my teeth have been pretty healthy. her situation reminded me to visit the dentist but the i remembered i just went in like february. even had x-rays done. so i should be good for a while. i try to go once a year but there was 2 years between my last visits. 

small medium large

i realised i linked all these articles in a previous blog and looking at them it seems like im soooo deep and thoughtful. i should definitely share the reddit threads and BS that also eats up my time. loads of instagram memes are also part of my daily life.

Reddit: AITA (typical wedding issue)
i watch this video of a Pohjois-Karjala cover by Ylioppilaskunnan Laulajat about once a monthDaily Mail on washing towels (lol)
Guardian review on Stranger Things which i’m not even watching. reading about shows i don’t watch is one of my fav pastimes. 
Reddit: Replika subreddit (i never used replika but it’s interesting to read about)

i hate it when car owners when you're supposed to meet them somewhere go "yeah i have a Volvo DX 4x4, u cant miss it" like i sure can, wtf is that?? and this is even if they know that im not a car owner. not everyone knows all car models by heart. instead of a street address maybe i should go "the pre-edwardian double glazed conversion" when they are coming over. when u describe your car i would prefer if it was colour, size* AND license plate (or the beginning/end of it). the make is ok to add, i recognize some of the logos. 
*small, medium, large

the world is quickly approaching a Black Mirror episode as new AI stuff keeps churning out. chatgpt's Agent Mode just released yesterday. im eager to see if it could help me cross the T's on the Bunno San installation. here she is in her temp spot on my desk. im still unsure where i will place her when everything is set. also unclear what i will do with Bunilla as she retires. she is still fully functional aside from one loud fan in the back so i should sell her obviously. i guess thats something to think about. 

less than 24h back home from our trip and we have a new foster cat. its been a while and id been thinking it would be nice now that im home for a longer period. so here is Arizona, "hiding" in the kitchen next to the toast grill. i wondered why that was her chosen spot when she arrived and after hearing she comes from some kind of a hoarding situation where there were also dogs, i think i might understand. high up is better, even if visible i guess? 

  here she is after settling in 6h later

Oui

on our little interrail trip we found french trains very comfortable. for example: ample luggage space, working electrical sockets, aircon but not too cold, free wifi, spacious seats and bins near every seat. simply put, it was comfortable. tbf the interrail ticket is only valid for the InOui trains (that have a compulsory seat reservation fee) and not the OuiGo trains that are apparently cheaper so probably not as nice. 

Instagram suggested me this wonderfully uplifting account by Daniel Middel, where he hula hoops with attitude. loving it. 

metal water bottles are suspicious IMO, can’t see how clean/dirty they are and esp with a small bottle mouth good luck cleaning it properly…

i was listening to this podcast on how Matthew McConaughey has become a kind of self help guru, i had no idea. very lol and unhinged somehow. it was interesting. which reminds me that for some weird reason when it comes to podcasts i really like australian ones, and i’m not sure it’s cos they’re any better but the accent is just easy on the ear? outside podcasts i have no preference to aussie accent, so i’m not sure what that’s about. maybe i just listened to a few really good oz podcasts and hearing the accent prompts me to feel positive about whatever i’m listening? 

this little list by Sam Altman is quite american BUT there are several points i agree with. one of them being that you become much like the people you spend time with. i’m not as obsessed with hanging out with successful, super ambitious folk but i think of it more in terms of values and other life stuff. 

i read this article about writers splitting up who both wanted to share their story on what happened (NYT). first she wrote a memoir. then he wrote a sort of novel/autofiction. now she wrote another book, a novel/autofiction. what an abundant source of stories, this divorce! i keep thinking this is very human, wanting to share your side of the story. with a job like being a writer, it easily becomes public, then. but it also looks like slightly petty one upmanship. in this NYT article Pittard does not come across very likeable, she seems to feel wronged despite being the first one who wrote a book. perhaps this is because he cheated on her, so in the relationship she was wronged, in a specific way that is condemned. i say that just cause there can be many types of “wronging”. well, i don’t know what happened but! i do want to read these books now. Ewell’s book Set For Life was easily accessible in my Bookbeat so i’ve just started with that. after which i want to go to Pittard’s first book. i have to say Ewell’s protagonist is not very likeable either. i think the book is supposed to be satirical so that explains, but i sense a deep resentment and dislike or disinterest towards the then wife, which very well explains how they ended up separating. i’m hoping for more clues later on, for now he sounds a bit like a man-child, unaware of himself. let’s see how the story develops. 

off work for summer holidays

we had our monthly anniversary and for once in a long while we were both home and able to do something properly nice. doctor had planned something for the evening and it was a surprise. i suggested we go to Dalston to this tantuni restaurant to have a turkish afternoon before that and the weather was hot and it was good. and the surprise? Trevor Noah! such a good idea. the show had a lot of politics & race stuff and i had a really good time. 

Pocket is closing so i’m trying Matter. certainly a good experience usability wise so far. some articles i read lately;

 NYT: Antisemitism 
Guardian: Doing friendships wrong
Guardian: America's generation of virgins
Financial Times: Wolf & Krugman on AI (also podcast ep)
NYT: Regret as a new parent 
Independent: Crypto Rabbit Hole

when a popular brand product seems overrepresented in secondhand shops, I wonder if they just managed to sell a lot and it’s actually not overrepresented or if they failed the expected quality standards and a lot of people were disappointed, or what happened.

How did The Ultimatum: Queer Love not find a queer host? sad. it’s pride weekend so this seems extra disappointing. 

i’ve never been into (skin care) masks much. i suspect they are not all that miraculous in what they can do, there’s only so few active ingredients that can penetrate the skin and do anything meaningful in that short amount of time. and i’ve not had any amazing experiences myself, obviously. anyway, Raissa gifted me and Aleks this korean mask so i’m giving it a go. it stays on for 3 hours and melts into your skin to a degree, so it’s a full experience, for when you have time for it. 

im disappointed with Sam Harris' views on the israeli-palestine situation. theres a genocide going on, no two ways about, and Harris seems to be stuck on israel's right to defend itself and some kind of moral superiority that israel supposedly has. i cant say im entirely surprised but so disappointed. i want to be open to expanding my views, but in this subject i think he is really wrong.    

my summer holiday started on friday. much needed. and tomorrow London is supposed to have 30 degrees again, so its proper summer, i got new summer dresses and im just enjoying my privileged life i guess.  

update: the mask is no miracle but yes it did leave my skin feeling soft and supple. and no shade to the mask but i think by layering serum and moisturiser on your skin (like, thick) and letting it sink in for 3h would have a similar effect. but, of course its hard to measure these things, which is why i like doing my half face experiments. anyway my skin is looking and feeling fresh now so as im preparing to go and see doctors local community theatre summer play i will skip makeup - would feel wrong to put anything else on this face right now. well, i added moisturiser as was instructed, but otherwise.  

the men

i finished Sofia Rönnow-Pessah’s book ”The Men of My Life”(my translation). not a nobel winner but refreshing and relatable in many ways. i like how the main character is both very feminist but finds herself behaving in ways that are not, she is sometimes the victim, but also sometimes the perpetrator. sounds just very real. 

my most recent trip to finland. we had a workplace pre-midsummer party in Siuntio, went sailing to the sea from this lake that had river access, and then sauna and dinner after. it was a lovely place esp as the weather co-operated. 

and the companys new office is starting to shape up nicely. this space is especially pleasing. we also had a farewell party to the old office, with the other company that shared the space. i worked for them as well - for 9 years - but now due to changes it was time for me to leave and focus on this one. so it was a bittersweet party in many ways, seeing my now ex-coworkers for the last time. there were some really nice individuals i will miss. 

i stayed in an airbnb this time. it was way more spacious than necessary. i did my make up by this kitchen island.

its been refreshing not to worry about or think about the upcoming summer holidays much. usually we go away for a long time, somewhere far. this time i want to enjoy summer at home too and also not go further than europe. and importantly, less planned, backpack style. doctor is on board, we enjoy similar kind of travel. so we are just toying with the options here and there. but honestly havent had much time. ive been busy at work so mentally ive been at max capacity and weve both been away from home a lot so not that much time to plan anyway. and when we have some time together we have better things to do than discuss train connections in europe. speaking of which i just ordered a waterproof blanket cos changing the sheets and washing the sofa covers just got tedious.

a new family member. Bunilla would turn 9 this september so its time for her to retire. based on my needs, i gathered i can make do with a mini-PC and ended up with Beelink SER8, with the help of AI and Arttu. i will have my backup hard drive separate but maybe thats better anyway. now i just have to muster ths strentgh to start setting it up, my least fav thing. 

she doesnt have a name yet but will in due time, i have to get a feeling how she is first. the important specs though; 

CPU Ryzen 7 8745HS 8-Core 16-Thread 4.9GHz  
32G DDR5 RAM 
plenty of USB ports 
1T SSD for windows
4TB SSD for my D: drive

my bank wanted to let me know that help is available if my spending is getting out of hand. i wonder what kind of help that is though, really? when im in finland i use a finnish bank/card so my spending can look a bit erratic to in both ends, i just disappear and then suddenly spend a lot. 

backyard gardens

I feel lucky I can just pick up anything in the grocery store without thinking about the price too much. This expands to some other shopping too, of course, but I am often acutely aware how amazing it is. 

I met Cem for dinner last night near Waterloo station. It was this Laotian restaurant in the upstairs of a pub, But we found that the pub had a nice back garden and we could order the food there. it’s getting fairly summerish here so it was nice.

one thing brits do better than finns is their public (“bank”) holidays. they attach them to weekends, typically a monday. whereas finnish holidays end up wherever on the week, like a thursday in the case of Ascension day this year. not very practical. not to say i can’t enjoy it. i went to a cafe for a brunch while listening to an audiobook and have been chilling, burning a rhubarb smelling candle in the living room while doing some bits of home admin in between. doctor is returning home tomorrow, he was off in turkey visiting relatives.   

brunch today 

i recently got another Marimekko dress…it’s one of my fav prints.

 

good work flow

my old hairdresser (i only saw him for a little over a year though) moved to NZ and i went to someone else in the same salon. if he hadnt moved, i wouldve gone elsewhere anyway, unfortunately. he was funny and interesting, but also veeery negative and just eager to move away. on every visit i would hear the same intense rant on how horrible the UK is, how poor his health is... and i was exhausted afterwards. felt like mental work. anyway the new hairdresser not only did a good job with my hair but was pretty chill and more optimistic in his outlook overall. so he is a keeper i think. 

New York Times: Turkey's people are resisting autocracy. They deserve more than silence.

i met this guy recently (long story) for drinks, like as a potential friend sort of, no agenda. anyway interesting normal person but i got this distinct feeling that i was an audience, that i was being "talked at". ive been in that position many times in my life but i did not recognise it very well when i was younger, probably just felt weirdly bored and annoyed. but now i can say that it has happened a lot, and its typically men who do this; talk AT you, not with you. its not malicious, these are regular men i guess, but maybe on the overconfident side - the kind who believe they understand most subjects better than others etc. which then leads to this situation where a lot of the "talking at" is educational - like a mild version of mansplaining. also theres possibly the assumption (on a subconscious level) that the listener does not have anything to contribute cos they dont really give space for contributing. hence the other person indeed is a listener, not a conversation partner. i didn’t enjoy this dynamic and will try avoid it in the future.

i went to my friends Eurovision watch party and decided i’ll skip next year. the israel stuff is just too much, i got so annoyed. i felt like Austrias winning entry was somehow a copy of last years winner, Nemo. but in the end i had to hope it would win over Israel. Sweden (and others) borrowing artists from neighbouring countries is also annoying and doesn’t make sense. i thought KAJ’s sauna song was catchy and fun. and our Erika’s sex positive song about a woman’s orgasm was overall ok - not my fav music but good performance and a very important topic! also catchy. i might get an Ich Komme shirt cos, well, i’m all for it. 

 ads are always exaggerating, but seeing these social media ads on repeat where it says something like “skip botox use this sleep mask instead”, is really pushing it. i want a nice sleep mask but im not delusional.

update on Tom the foster cat: he stayed with us about 2 weeks and was picked up for a long trip over to the coast. he did not get comfortable with us, and seems like he was just too feral to live in a home. so he was taken to a farm where he will have access to food and indoors too, if he chooses. but he doesnt need to interact with humans if he doesnt want to.

Tim Burton expo in design museum where i went with Aleks. 

 

random pics from Helsinki. the first half of the trip i had company, Can & Burcu. I gave them a list of things to do, and visited some places with them - its been a while since i sa so much of helsinki tbh. the cathedral, design district, Oodi library, Stockmann...  we also went to Allas sea pool for a sauna and swim experience.

our new office is in Hakaniemi (above is from nearby). i like how its shaping up, nice place. we had company development days during my stay too, staying overnight in espoo. i joined the hackathon as we were testing various AI coding tools, and ended up developing my first software using Claude Code. its functional with a user interface etc (of course). it was based on a need to compare marketing plans with reference material, so required upload of files and then AI analysis and comparison. obviously took me a while and was not without struggles, but in the end it worked. i was surprised and a bit shocked. it opens a lot of opportunities for a non-coder like myself.

i got these trainers from a second hand shop in helsinki. technically they are missing the laces but it's not too obvious, i like them as they are and wont add laces. i washed them in the machine and painted the soles black, as they were originally white. 

a protest against the genocide in Gaza in Kensington yesterday. its horrifying to observe this happening while western leaders seem too sheepish to do anything. 

kaikki paskaks

tää hesarin juttu itsekkyydestä oli jännä. tunnistin siitä asioita joita olen itsekin kelannut, mutta en omaa tarpeeksi asiantuntijuutta jotta voisin oikeasti arvioida onko tilanne ihan noin, tai et onko se ihan noin yksinkertaista.  

aloin viikonloppuna kuunnella Aino-Mari Tuurin kirjaa Menologeja esivaihdevuosista. kuten kirjoittaa toteaa niin ollakseen asia joka koskettaa puolta väestöä, siitä puhutaan oudon vähän. menopaussista toki enemmän etenkin viime vuosina, mutta siitäkin vähän. siitä että oireilu alkaa normisti jo neljänkympin pintaan tai heti sen jälkeen ei todellakaan ole mainintaa missään (siinäs mietit sit et miks helvetissä yhtäkkiä muisti on kuin dementikolla ja heräilet öisin hiessä ja ties mitä - ja naiset jotka menee lääkärille saa sieltä yleensä jonku masennuslääkereseptin kun ei lääkäritkään tunnista tätä, koska tadaa siitä ei opinnoissa juuri ole mitään). nyt näin viimeaikoina televisiossa ehkä Mehiläisen mainoksia privapalveluista liittyen näihin mutta on aika uutta. en ole kirjassa kovin pitkällä vielä mutta voin jo mainita jotain miinuksia; ihan hirveästi toistoa. ehkä jos olisin mennyt kirjan pariin ihan ummikkona ja olisin pitkäpinnainen, niin ei haittaisi kuulla 17:sta kertaa että menipaussi sijoittuu yleensä vuosille 45-55, mutta nyt se tuntuu vähän siltä että on haluttu kirjaan lisää pituutta - tai aliarvioidaan lukijaa. termistön pohtiminen pidemmän kaavan kautta ei myös ehkä ole my cup of tea, mutta maailma ei ole täydellinen tai ainakaan juuri minua varten luotu. on siis joka tapauksessa mahtavaa että aiheesta on kirjoitettu ja jatkan kirjan parissa ainakin toistaiseksi. 

suunnittelen taas suomen reissuja. nyt kun olen päässyt sen makuun niin tekee mieli käydä joka käänteessä toimistolla.  

työkaveri keksi minulle hyvän sloganin kun puhuttiin testauksesta: kaikki paskaks. se on oikeen vihdyttävä ja tarviin sen ehkä tarrana mun läppärinkanteen, sillä se on hyvä pitää mielessä. meillä töissä on haussa testaaja ja jännitän sitä et löydetään sopiva tyyppi, en ole ikinä rekrymielessä päässy käymään keskustelua testauksesta, tulee olemaan mielenkiintoista.

easter eggs

actual photo of me working

we have a new foster cat Tom. poor guy has had a rough life and he is scared and i’m sure getting neutered and dental work on top of everything wasn’t fun either. he’s been with us for a week now, decompressing and healing. he’s hiding in his carrier mostly but hopefully will start coming out slowly. i’m sure he will never be a lap cat but if he could be rehabilitated to live with humans again, that would give him a good life. he has been in a a large crate (and a carrier within that) mostly but now has access to the rest of the flat - yet he stays in his safe zone.

 
my new fav nail polish (Bang On by Revolution)

in the past 5 years 3 of my friends have had cancer. 1 died, 2 alive. they all had somewhat different paths, reactions, experiences etc - of course. i found it interesting even before my friends illness' to think about how serious threat to life tends to "put things into perspective", people sometimes find the courage to start living their life differently - other times they change their boundaries or attitude. it varies, but often theres changes. and so i observed* how my friends changed and what kind of shifts they made. not necessarily big stuff, but still. and ive always tried to learn something from these stories, whether it was my friends or not, asking myself if theres something that vibes with me and how i'd like to potentially live my life - without having the wake up call of a serious disease.
*sounds very clinical and almost detached, but of course part of this was me trying to understand and be present

we went to a see a local comedy show with doctor last night. unlikely typical, the place was very nightclub-by, and that included the music already before the show. not really my kind of vibe, but ok. then, the comedians were more amateur than i would have expected for the ticket price - and several of them had plenty of cheap sexist or just plain "old" humor (from "flirting" with someone in the front row to repeated prison-shower-sex jokes. both could actually be done well and be funny, bit it just wasnt). anyway, it was an evening out, an experience, and thats fine. from there, doctor went on to work to do night shift and i came home to enjoy some reality tv (Voice of Finland).

this morning i wake up as doctor returns home and comes to bed. i get up and he has placed this in the living room.

today i decided to enjoy a brunch by myself at a local restaurant while listening to an audiobook. im still working on Amia Srinivasan's Right to Sex, which always gives me a lot to think about and i end up googling and doing other things it inspires me to, and then i forget the book momentarily. for instance theres quite a few good questions and views on porn and how different generations "read" it, understand it and may be effected by it. theres no question that mainstream porn gives a a pretty twisted and unbalanced view of sex, and in lack of other examples we grow to think thats what it should be like. but is all porn bad or harmful, is the age old (mainly) feminist question? and if it is, how should it be tackled - banning it certainly shouldnt be the only option? my opinion is somewhere there on the spectrum, i see the harms but am opposed to blanket bans, and i can see some potential positives as well.

passing a local bookshop today i impulse bought Ellen Atlanta's Pixel Flesh, "A generation defining exposé of toxic beauty culture and the realities of coming of age online" (publisher). lets see how that is. while out, i also went to check the new local Post Office which opened a few days ago. it smelled of fresh paint and they were still installing stuff and it was awkwardly empty but it was OPEN. i am happy. it was hnestly depressing when the previous Post Office opposite to us closed about a year ago.

random cards at Oliver Bonas. brits do make nice cards.

by the way its so annoying how pretty much all books on amazon have a 4.5 star rating. like, really?