website alive again

i feel something about shipping has become really tedious. or should i say shipping services. u go online and buy something. then it starts, the inbox flood;

we are expecting your parcel from (seller)

we have your parcel

your parcel is on its way to you

your parcel is being delivered today

your parcel delivery time has changed 

your parcel has been delivered

how was your delivery? 

how was your delivery? 

how was your delivery? 

how was your delivery?!  

 

i mean halfway through im already done. i understand people want visibility on their deliveries but its gotten a bit extreme. and the desperate pleads for feedback that every single service does now - its too much. 

me and doctor finally got around to going to Highgate Cemetery, where Karl Marx, Douglas Adams and Michael Faraday were put to rest. it was his birthday so i got us a tour too and it was well worth it, learned a lot about the history of the cemetery, graves - saw the catacombs - etc. i was surprised about the unmarked graves of which many were for the so-called “fallen women”, girls as young as 14 pushed into prostitution and dying from the poverty and diseases. 

as a part of his birthday, i designed a shirt with AI for him and had it printed. gemini made the title and most of the design too, but gemini (based on this and other experiences) seems incapable of fixing mistakes even when asked. it had written controlled with one L and i could not make it add the other L no matter what. i then gave the design to chatGPT and as usual, it fixed the issues and made the changes i needed. doesnt matter, in the end i got what i wanted.   

 

 

 

i got a couple new puzzles as i realised im running out. i just started a cityscape one (night time Hong Kong or something). 

my ancient suzi9mm.com website had finally deteriorated and the URL was just showing code...i noticed this about a month ago. i finally got around to just setting up a new site, a project i started a few years ago because i was expecting this eventually. i then moved over the domain and now at least i have something live, if not very polished. also missing a few pics i think. but im happy i got it back up. i want my photos to exist out there and be accessible still, even if it is a stale ghost gallery thats just a part of history. 

 

 

ive been listening to Sophie Gilbert's Girl on Girl: How Pop Culture Turned a Generation of Women Against Themselves. theres a lot i recognise and can relate to, some familiar thoughts and challenges. the book is a wider perspective than the title suggests and maybe sometimes gets lost in detail, but overall i find it pretty solid. i havent finished it and so i hope the book is going "somewhere", and hopefully somewhere with broader analysis and suggestions of changes. now it's been busy laying out pieces of evidence of which most if very observational. 

appreciating this current life

 lately i’ve been listening to a lot of finnish music, Lyyti, Vesta, Vesala, Behm and some old favs like Zen Cafe and Pariisin Kevät. current finnish amd foreigns favs: 

Lyyti: Katastrofin laajuus

Vesta: Jää mun viereen

The George Kaplan Conspiracy: Sing For Me

as i do recruiting at work, i sometimes call candidates to ask something about their CV or otherwise relevant to whether we want to consider them for a role. i'd called this guy and asked him a few things. point is i spoke with this person. later when i sent our standard email, rejecting him as we chose to proceed with more qualified candidates, he emailed me not as a reply to that, but to my personal work email. it only had one sentence; you're more useful in the kitchen than at work. 
i mean, woah. this guy has issues. and he has not seen me in the kitchen...lol.  frankly, i assume the same of him. 

our company's remote work week in greece was a success. i was a bit stressed organising it, but in the end all went pretty well and people seemed happy. so yay. 

by a greek pool. work was busy but i took friday off to chill.

i returned from from helsinki just over a week ago. first i needed to rest a little and the i got back to life & life admin. my puzzle was waiting for me, scheduling meetings with friends, activating my new credit card (just changing from Nationwide to Barclays), organising my clothes, and trying various combinations of skin care with a testing mindset. folding laundry yesterday i felt grateful and content. 

Jess gifted me a book, Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin. it’s a novel but she raved about it so i’m curious and i started reading. but for example today i finished audiobook I’ll Never Call Him Dad Again by Caroline Darian, the daughter of Gisele & Dominique Pelicot. we like to think these kind of monsters hide in the shadows somewhere and we would recognise them from afar, but they are often all too close. as a book, sure, maybe it was not the best, but i appreciated the insight. 

today i also started the bio of Anna Kontula, a finnish leftist(communist) politician whose books (=thinking, values, intellect) i have previously enjoyed. it’s surprising to me she does not recollect her stepfathers drunken violence negatively, i think seeing a father figure beat up your mother is bound to fuck you up a little. interestingly, just like me, as a child she wondered why should we wear matching socks. it’s unclear to me if she eventually went with it or not. i still wear mismatched socks. most of the time i wear tights though of course. 

last night we went to Gökce for dinner, she lives near Canary Wharf and it’s a 1 hour trip there although geographically it’s not that far. that’s like from Helsinki to Porvoo… but that’s how it is here. anyway dinner was great, her friends who also joined were interesting, working in the tv/film industry. 

 

our date night on friday, at a new local pan-asian restaurant.

 

kirjoja. etenkin keski-ikäisistä naisista.

tulin suomesta viime yönä, alkuperäinen iltalento peruttiin kun alkuperäisen lennon A321 oli kosahtanut jotenkin, mutta onneksi sain korvaavan silleen että olin kotona viittä yli puolenyön. tartten tän koko viikonlopun palautumiseen ja oli muutenkin vähän koti-ikävä, poikkeuksellisesti. mies tuli metrolle vastaan ja oli siivonnut kämpän, oli kiva tulla. 3 viikkoa reissua oli raskasta kun töissä kiire ja siinä keskimmäinen viikko etätyöviikkoilemassa kreikassa - toki se oli tosi kivaa myös ja oli mahtava chillaa altaassa työpäivän jälkeen - mut 1 lento per viikko ja kaikki se siirtyminen ja sit tietty semi-kosteita iltoja kavereiden kanssa...  alko se painaa. 

suomessa ollessa kuuntelin tai jatkoin äänikirjojen parissa. pääsin Spede Pasasen elämänkerrassa (Marjamäki) melkeen loppuun. en enää uista miksi aloin sitä kuunnella, mulla ei ole mitään erityisintressiä henkilöön, Uunot oli iso osa lapsuutta ja tiedostin että lahjakas tyyppi joskin myös naisia ahdisteleva sovisti. mutta siis kirja on ollut mielenkiintoinen, on tosiaan aika hahmo ollut. sitten aloitin Halla-ahon elämänkerran (Heikkilä), varmaan jotenkin semisti jatkumona sille ettei kirjan kohteesta tarvi erityisesti "pitää", oppia voi silti, ja on toki merkittävä hahmo suomalaisessa politiikass ja sellainen jota niin surullisen moni ihailee. mutta tyhmähän Halla-aho ei ole ja joskus olen ollut jostain yksittäisesti asiasta samaa mieltä - aina siis löytyy syytä olla utelias. olen kirjassa vielä suth alussa (10%) mutta se ei ole ollenkaan vetänyt mukaansa kuten Pasasen vastaava. no, katsotaan. luettuani kuukausiliitteen jututn Anna Kontulan tulevasta elämänkerrasta ja seksityöntekijätaustasta olin innoissani, ja nyt kirja on kai julkaistu pari päivää sitten, haluan aloittaa senkin nyt pikimmiten. olen lukenut Kontulan asiakirjoja, tykännyt niistä, ja ilahduttaa että se on avoin tästä asiasta. 

sitten, koska tossa ei ole tarpeeksi (...) ja kaveri suositteli niin aloitin eilen lentokentällä Inari Fernandezin Vapaus-romaanin. tosin sekin on epävirallinen autofiktio. siitä oli hesarissa ollut juttu ja olin laittanut sen "ehkä"-listalle, mutta kaverin suositus sai aloittamaan. suositus ei ollut vältsisti että "tää on ihan paras", mutta sellasia pointteja et ajattelin et no tsekataan.  nyt tuntuu näitä keski-ikäisten naisten näkökulmia riittävän ja hyvä niin tietty. no mutta, vajaassa puolessavälissä kirjaa olen tietty jo täysin valmis jakelemaan mielipiteitä. esim. että sen joka väliin laitetut lapin maalailevat luontokuvaukset tuntuu täytetekstiltä, ei kuulosta luontevalta. luontevaa ei ole myöskään kaikki dialogi. ja uskottavuus heikkenee mitä pidemmälle kirja etenee, tai siltä musta tuntuu. nainen joka piti itseään aseksuaalina ja ”vihasi” seksiä miehensä kanssa mutta tuli about joka kerta? ei halunnut eron jälkeen tavatakaan miehiä mutta lähti sitten jonkun randon mukaan baarista sanomatta edes kavereille moikkaa ja seksi oli taivaallista, ja miehellä six pack? laittaa tokalle tinder-matchille ekassa viestissä ehdotuksen seksistä ja sitoutuu yökyläilyyn? siis, kaikkia tälläsiä asioita kyllä tapahtuu yksittäin, ja on mahdollista...  totta kai naiset esim. ehdottelee ynnä muuta, ja keski-ikäinen nainen voi löytää itsestään uusia puolia (…) mutta - ei vaan ole tässä kontekstissa kokonaisuutena uskottavaa. hesarissa kirjailija sanoo että toivoo mahdollisimman monen miehenkin lukevan kirjansa, ja joo, toivon et miehet lukis enemmän naisnäkökulma-kirjoja, mut tästä kirjasta saa kyl mielikuvan että tarvis olla joku komea itsevarma prinssi jotta kelpais. voi olla et sävy viel muuttuu mut tämä ei nyt ole musta antanut super realistista kuvaa asioista/elämästä. makuasioita tietty myös, osa. no, nyt kun olen tyypilliseen tapaani alleviivannut kaikki "viat", niin voisin toistaa et hyvä et keski-ikäisten naisten seksuaalisuudesta kirjoitetaan.  ja että se sisältää suoraa puhetta joka ei aina ole sen ylevämpää kuin paljon parjatut "miesten jutut", naiset sortuu esineellistämiseen ym myös, ja joskus on epärealistisia odotuksia... inhimillisyyttä siis. tässä genressä, vaikkakin sijoittuu päähenkilön nuoruuteen ni sanoisin et Sofia Rönnow-Pessahin Elämäni miehet oli paljon todempi. mut ei oo sillee hyvä vertaa just ton eri elämäntilanteen takia, ja Vapaus ehkä pyrkii olemaan muutenkin "vakavampi", päähenkilö pohtii siinä kuinka kohdussa on elämän voima ja jotain... diippiä. vaikka Elämäni miehet on musta silleen yhtä diippiä kun ymmärtää päähenkilöä ja tajuaa niitä syvempiä keloja mitä siinä on. 

ja jos jatkan tästä keski-ikäisten naisten seksi-elämästä koska se on niin tärkeetä...ni Suvi Westin kans aika tuore kirja Syntien kummun naiset on jännä, siinä on saamelais/vähemmistö-näkökulma, ja kieli ja muukin meininki värikkäämpää. olen tykännyt, mutta olen senkin kanssa jossain puolessavälissä. sitten, aloitin Anne Moilasen Uhman vaikka luin siitä jossain jotain kritiikkiä, mutta ehkä osittain siksi, pitää tarkistaa olenko samaa mieltä. se ei ole super mieleenpainuva vaikka kieli on värikästä ja hauskaakin, mutta ihan mielenkiintoinen. kritiikki taisi liittyä siihen että taas yksi nainen jonka elämä pyörii miesten ympärillä, mutta kai tässä(kin) on tieten tahtoen tehty kirjaa joka vaan käsittelee just näitä parisuhde/seksi jne teemoja. mutta tietty ehkei sen tarvis kuulostaa niin siltä et naisen olemassaolo on niin riippuvainen niistä miehistä? no, pitää evaluoida viel myöhemmin tarkemmin. 

how could 10h and a few hundred a month change my life

ive been thinking of the time and money women spend or their looks - aside from clothes. certainly not a novel subject, even for me. but i was wondering what for instance my male neighbour or my colleague might be doing with the time, but also money, that i spend on my face or body. some men certainly spend time on 'superficial' endeavours, just as some women choose to stay au naturel. so im generalising hard. but statistically there is a big difference. its well known that there are certain expectations for women. even the most feminist of us might wonder why a woman looks “disheveled” or “tired” when actually shes just not wearing make up. and unfortunately it can affect our impression of them, their capabilities and professionalism etc… but too much or wrong kind of make up will do the same. you need to hit the right spot in the acceptable range of looks. (meanwhile theres not much men can do without others noticing and wondering why he seems too groomed… seems unfair?). well i got carried away. i am personally definitely going beyond what women “have to” do and sometimes possibly pushing the odds on appearing reliable and knowledgeable and other adjectives that suffer when too much pink is involved. its how i prefer to look and present myself and what feels right.

anyway i decided to do some calculations. kind of hard to estimate time spend on plucking eyebrows or make up...  but i did my best. and i did not include deodorant, shampoo or sunscreen and the activities related to them as everyone needs those. for salon visits i included the time the appointments take as well as commute, added up the minutes to get the total for the year and divided by 12 to get average for the month.

    Monthly cost / Monthly time

face and body care products (not incl sunscreen)     20£, 10min

make up 23£,  290min 

make up removal 3£, 20min

hair products, incl dye 12£, 75min

nail products (mainly polish) 5£, 15min

body hair removal 1£, 12min - half of this is plucking eyebrows. im glad i invested in laser earlier. i prolly spend less time on this than men spend shaving?

hair salon 19£, 17min

nail salon 38£,  64min

lash salon 73£, 88min

botox 51£, 22min

total in a month: 245£ , 613min  (10.2 hours)

i found it challenging to separate looks from ‘feels’, like in body products if i get a body oil to moisturise and just to feel good… it’s not really counting maybe? but also the time spent does not take into account the time it takes to choose these products, salons and book appointments etc. especially the time spent on investigating, researching and choosing the right products and acquiring them can add massively to the total. i think for all these, it could easily add 2-4h each month, on average. 

i could be reading microbiology 10h a month, but it would be a very different life and i would be perceived differently - for better or worse. 

middle aged flower girl

ive been listening to Naomi Klein’s Doppelgänger. i find it interesting, some of the really specific stuff on doppelgängers is too philosophical but where she talks about self branding and social media, the book is strong. also just today i started Virginie Despentes’ King Kong Theory which is delivering a lot to think about. 

i watched T2 Trainspotting with Arttu. i thought it was depressing which might be it’s on purpose but it was not enjoyable. like, genuinely just depressing. in a scottish accent. i think it tried to copy too many of the first films classic moments and i think Renton’s Choose Life speech tried a bit too hard and failed. even included a young pretty smart woman like in the first one. Begbie’s and Spud’s chacaracters were caricatures, and they were the first time too but now it was extra sad instead of somewhat funny. 

Arttu and i had a glass of wine at this tiny side table spot in the local wine & cheese restaurant. 

i was surprised to read in the news and later social media that this bit of street a few minutes from my home is the most dangerous for bikers in the UK. it is a cycling highway but still, as a pedestrian it would not occur to me that it’s risky for bikers. 

Ceri had her first art exhibit in a cafe gallery in Crystal Palace. i went to see it and we had a glass of wine. 

another cafe/shop in CP, selling vintage 2nd hand stuff.

and a nice wine restaurant, also in Crystal Palace.

a pub with a cute roof terrace in my own neighbourhood.

i think i passed some middle age rite of passage by wanting flowers. i did go for fake ones though, the effort in dealing with fresh flowers does not appeal to me - yet. i was in central london having brunch with Alex’s & Raissa after which i saw the Oxford street IKEA had opened so i popped in there.

 

said brunch at Ziggy Green.

work has been really busy and i’ve been sleeping poorly so i’m extra tired lately. the weekend doesn’t seem long enough to recover. and i have some busy weeks ahead too, but i expect october to be more chill. these things do come and go in waves. 

aika hesarikeskeistä taas

kuuntelin äänikirjana Samuli Putron Elämäni miehet. siinä oli sellaista herkkyyttä ja reflektiota joka oli tosi mielekästä ja mielenkiintoista. kirjaa etsiessä törmäsin toiseen samaannimiseen, käännös ruotsalaisen kirjailijan (Sofia Rönnow Pessah) teoksesta, ja aloin sitten kuuntelemaan sitä. siinä on jotain ihan samaistuttavaa ja silleen mielenkiintoinen vaikka aika kevyt.

kun HS ilmoitti että lopettaa klikkiotsikoinin, innostuin. edes joku asia joskus menee oikeaan suuntaan! olen käyttänyt ystäväni HS tunnareita vuosikausia (ja kiitos siitä) mutta mietin että ehkä tästä hyvästä hesari on ansainnut uuden tilaajan, ja päätin kaivaa kuvetta. mutta kun nyt hesarista taas puhun niin siinä oli tänään mielestäni huono teksti joka vertaili suomen tuoppiloita ja brittien pubeja. tuli tunne että dedis painoi ja jostain oli kirjoitettava ja kun oli jossain perhekokoontumis sunday roastilla pubissa niin on ajatellut että tässähän on jutun juurta. mutta sitten siitä on pitänyt ekstrapoloida jotain isompaa ja vastakkainaseteltavaa mikä tuntuu väkinäiseltä. on totta että suomessa ei anniskelualueille lapsia oikeen  viedä eikä siellä perheen kesken syödä, mutta ei kyllä briteissäkään klo 16 jälkeen paitsi sellaiset joissa on ravintolatila erikseen. ja sinne todellakin mennään humaltumaan yleensä, ei ole mikään keskieurooppalainen juomakulttuuri täällä. toki joskus mennään vaan parille, niinkuin kyllä suomessakin. mutta jos on joku kilpailu että kummat kännää enemmän niin ei britit kyllä suomalaisille kalpene - kirjoittaja teeskentelee ettei ole nähnyt  brittipubia tai sieltä ulos kompuroivia klo 20 jälkeen…

”Rakastin puhumista, nauramista ja tanssimista, olin nokkela ja ystävällinen, ja aina oli miehiä, jotka luulivat että se, että minä loistin, oli meidän välistämme kemiaa.” 

Ihmeköynnös, Maija Kauhanen. on muuten yksi suosikkikirjoistani.

random items IV

I was watching the Bonnie blue documentary on Channel 4. I understand her business model and I understand she needs to create controversy and get the headlines by saying things that will get attention, things that will enrage people… but nevertheless, I was sad how she said so many things that practically feed into the incel mindset. I think she could be just as effective if she dropped that stuff and was for example a very sex-positive feminist, commenting on the challenges of porn, maybe doing some things differently and even if not, contradicting yourself can be hugely triggering for people as well! but it’s not my business, so what do I know. and associating with Andrew Tate… well that obviously felt icky and sad. 

Matter app suggested some articles to me. one was an “essay on sleep” by alexey Guzey. I started reading it and went like “ Okay, I’m not sure if this logic really holds water.” And then I started questioning myself, but his analogies seemed to have a logical fallacy. I’m not a sleep expert but he seemed wildly off. Anyway, I was curious and because there was a link to what seemed like his own website, I thought I’d go check who is this person. His website had lots of links, I guess mostly to his own articles or amusings, and turns out he works at OpenAI. Then one of them caught my eye; My 2022 Self was very wrong about […] sleep. turns out I was reading something from 2022. he didn’t completely backpedal from the original claims, but was sort of more sensible. i still don’t really know who this guy is tho.

i admit i struggle understanding how restaurant work environment, kitchen especially, is so aggressive. i’m sure not all are, but that’s kind of the perception i get. even before watching The Bear, which i just started. like, does getting food cooked on time and to a decent standard require shouting and being on the edge? perhaps. it’s just hard to imagine who wants to work in that environment. but tbf i’ve never felt the kitchen call me on any level so maybe that’s why it’s hard to relate. if you DO want to work with food and a restaurant kitchen specifically, maybe you just accept that it comes with crazy tension and volume. 

Pandora, our latest foster. she had a surgery removing her infected uterus with dead fetuses inside, and has been recovering. she starting to be herself, friendly but cautious. 

holiday spending

i spent my monday by going out to shops a bit. from a charity shop i got a cute dress for my goddaughter (unplanned, it was just perfect, with pockets!) and Mark Kermode’s book Hatchet Job (a book about negative movie critiques). i later retreated to a local pub garden to read it. while there i also did some plane spotting as eastern landing Heathrow planes fly right over. im getting better at recognising the different plane types and i admit it brings me joy. 

i got this for dinner from the local italian where they know me.

yesterday i continued with the shopping theme and went to Brixton. i rarely go to actual shops these days, at least without a specific task or a shopping list, so this has been a nice change. i got some basic items from Superdrug, like a new eyebrow pen, and then a new foundation, body oil and some underwear from TK Maxx. 

using body oils is new to me. my skin is rarely so dry that i would even moisturise but it the past year i developed an interest in these.

i typically always go black but some shades or pink are welcome too.

then to continue with the shopping theme, i used chatgpt Agent to buy something online, as a test. it was slow, but it worked. might be useful for something sometimes, for now mainly non-shopping tasks though.

Amazon posted this on social media following Lionesses winning. i enjoyed the humour.

today i had the “massive” task of finding chewable calcium tablets for myself because the ones i just bought recently are huge. even split in half, they make me gag. im hoping doctor will finish the bottle cos i wouldn’t want them to go to waste. but i successfully located calcium chewables from the nearby Holland&Barrett and can consider the day a success? now i’m just downloading games on my phone to see if there’s anything i might like. i don’t generally play games so this is slightly unusual. on my list to test are: 

Turmoil 

SimCity BuildIt

The Battle of Polytopia

Forge of Empires: Build a City

Airport Security: Fly Safe

as said, i rarely play, but these occasionally get some time:

MiniMetro

Threes

Infection

13

"do something"

i think history books will not take kindly to how we allowed the genocide to happen in Gaza. its shameful. France recognizing Palestine is a good step, i hope others will follow. but its not enough when people are dying of hunger today. of course, people die of hunger elsewhere too, daily. but this is a man-made starvation, caused by a western country. and our goverments are basically allowing it. i just emailed my MP to urge the UK government to take a stance but thats not very helpful i assume, yet i cant think of anything that would be. maybe i should ask chatgpt on what to do. 

i went for a picnic in Kensington Gardens with Aleks & Raissa yesterday. swans! (there was also loads of super cute ducks)

my "dinner friends" (originally from Timeleft) went to Two Brewers for a pub quiz and then watched Ember perform. fun night. 

Arizona left to her forever home yesterday, somewhere outside London. im gonna miss that soft furry thing all the while enjoying returning to our normal; no need to protect sofa from scratching, no feeding/litter worries... mixed feelings. 

Can & Burcu came over on friday afternoon to see Arizona. and i made this chickpea salad and bought empanadas.   

i enjoy Guardian's dining across the divide series. heres one with an electrician and a Labour councillor.  

Sophie Gilbert's book Girl on Girl: How Pop Culture Turned Women Against Themselves seems interesting. but i would have to read to see if its any good. i'll add it to my ever growing to-read list.

i started watching 90 Day Fiance UK after a long break. i saw ads for season 4 and realised i'd quit after season 1. probably a dose of it now will put me off again for a bit but it was the right time to engage in some relationship reality drama. but its hard when theres personalities i really dislike, eg. a crazy controlling turkish guy. they seem to be a staple of the series, unfortunately. and some of the brits come off as frustratingly stupid. i guess supposedly this is what makes us watch though? but i genuinely like when theres somewhat "normal" people, in balanced relationships that i believe stand a chance in surviving. maybe its the variety that draws me in. people and situations i would never encounter otherwise. 

ah tonight is football finals. im not watching but i can be happy for England being there of course. ive seen a lot of ads/promotion for Lionessess lately. like in the Euston station tube tunnel. (Admire England, fear the Lionesses)  

sterile girls

i was listening to Decoding the Gurus podcast episode of Sam Harris and its only vaguely related, but it seems like we live in this time of hyper individualism and self improvement, where u need to constantly reach for new heights in all areas. better job/career, better diet, better body, better relationships, better home... better self. if you stop reaching for more or improving its almost like a failure? of course i can see the value in these attemps also, and i might be a prime example of this in some areas, but i do think the key to so-called happiness is being content in a way, and not always desperately reaching for something even better. finding the balance is difficult but i think im decent at it. what i am not good at is focusing on the moment, living in the present.

i had to get my iphone batery replaced, it was in such a poor state. i had an appt at the Covent Garden flagship store which really is a nice space. the replacement luckily only took an hour, i felt a bit lost during that short time while i had lunch nearby. i did have my old iphone (which i kept for testing work) with me for emergencies but without my usual apps and internet. 

there was someone giving a talk on iphone photography; 

Arizona is such a loving, cute thing. i took her to a vet clinic to be spayed today. now we have something in common, lol. poor thing has a cone though, and is a bit disoriented now, i feel bad for her. she will be adopted soon and a part of me will definitely miss her - she is such a delight.  

i had a breast cancer scare in the spring which was pretty hard mentally, exactly as one would assume. i noticed this lump in my breast randomly and was like WHAT THE...  not a great feeling. statistically, even at this age, most lumps are benign, but the odds (about 20%) of it being cancer still feel looming. i dreaded the thought of my body changing irreparably from surgery, being f*cked up from chemo etc and having to recruit someone to replace me at work. not to mention having to live with the fear or it metastasizing or returning the rest of my life. and im not even going into the worst possible outcomes...  what i am happy with is that i didnt submit to google rabbit holes at any point, i stayed off internet searches. although the things i listed were in my mind, i managed to keep cool especially the first week. all in all i was in this state of uncertainty for just over 2 weeks. it took me a day to get to see a GP and then 2 weeks to be seen at a breast clinic, where i was cleared. i got a private MRI on the side since mammogram is not perfect (and neither is MRI, but together...). there is still one small question mark the MRI raised that i need to follow up on, but ive been lazy about it so its taking a while. to celebrate not having breast cancer, ive bought a few more deep V-necks and bra. 

This podcast episode on AI is interesting; Lenny's Podcast with Anthropic co-founder Benjamin Mann. 

boiled cartilage au gratin with mayo confit is not for me

our little city/interrail + beach holiday was a success i think. meaning i feel content. europe is getting pretty hot in the summer but it was still nice. we saw things, did things... overall good stuff. even ran into some (friends of) friends in spain, as they were staying in the same hotel. it was great to have some company for dinners etc. 

 

below are pics from Lille, Strasbourg, Lyon and Sitges. Paris and Barcelona are not pictured.  

i personally really enjoyed Strasbourg. walkable, cute and comfortable. and Sitges was the perfect holiday spot, chill and green. we didnt do anything though, i laid by the pool in shade listening to audiobooks and daydreaming. sometimes dipping into the pool which was comfortable warm.  

french cuisine is widely regarded as amazing but i admit im not on board. i have had good food in french restaurants, but a lot of the time im underwhelmed or disappointed. i guess its just not my taste profile. im also fine with unusual things, from cow tongue to critters, but the french cartilage soups and bone marrow toasts just tasted gross to me. not to mention deep fried fat. finding veggie options is also hard, but thats another issue entirely.  

the 2.5 weeks in europe, including interrail tickets, accommodation and food&drink was about the same as 2 weeks in the caribbean (all incl w flights). obviously europe has cheaper countries too, this was just an observation. im not saying one is better than the other either, i really like city holidays in europe and it had been a while. 

Andrew Ewell’s book Set For Life (some kind of novel/autofiction) got harder and harder to plough through. it had issues sounding realistic from the get go - maybe a stylistic thing that i’m just not a fan of - but it got worse and not a single character was likeable. maybe that’s life, and maybe that’s very intentional, to set the tone. perhaps no one in that scenario was likeable from the protagonists point of view, including himself. but that coupled with me thinking “this doesn’t sound real” just got increasingly difficult and i gave up after some 85%. i then started his ex-wife’s book We Are Too Many, but i think it doesn’t work very well in audio as there’s a lot of conversations. i will try to read instead maybe. 

my friend is having root canal treatment and apparently the nerve had necrosis, wtf?! that sounds dangerous but maybe with teeth it’s not that unheard off. i feel lucky my teeth have been pretty healthy. her situation reminded me to visit the dentist but the i remembered i just went in like february. even had x-rays done. so i should be good for a while. i try to go once a year but there was 2 years between my last visits.