i did get a grip on myself today and reply tons of emails and stuff, and contacted some of the models i'm supposed to shoot around here... but i'm still upset with myself for dwelling on stupid shit (mentally, emotionally).

nokia 6100 travelled with me all the way here, but with it i just brought a reaaally old nokia charger...only to find out it only eats 230V. neat. i might go and get myself a new charger that plugs in here, but Kev had a sony ericsson (...) he got from thailand so i don't really have to i guess. its just embarrasing to touch a sony ericsson. and the user interface is hebrew to me. i put my sim card in and found a message sent to me last week. a friend finally woke up next to the guy she's in love with (sounds easy but they had some obstacles in the way...that's how all great love stories 'begin' aye?). i'm really happy for her, he seems cool.

i was wondering why i feel so lonely... and realized that it must be cos i'm not chatting with kev anymore. he's downstairs so i can just talk to him. is there irony in this? maybe i should just chat instead to feel less lonely? yea i'll do that.

i think i'll feel lonely anyway, it's not just that.

canada; the promised land of smoke tasting and mushroom filled foods.

Tony and me won the company's photography club photo contest. the theme was 'best summer memory' and we figured we'll remind people what the best summer memories are really made of! as seen below. model is Tiitta.












the contest photos were published on the company intranet photo gallery and someone anynomous (of course) was furious because in their opinion the ass is manipulated!! christ! it's almost like...robbing a bank isn't it???!! someone call the cops, they MANIPULATED A PHOTO!!1111 and fyi, the ass is NOT manipulated, i guess some idiots find it hard to comprehend that a chick can really have that nice and smooth of an ass. she does, trust me i know. maybe the conservative critical viewer is actually a female whose jealous that someone has a smooth ass. either way, some people just really don't have a life.

[for the record, we won a gift card to a ticket agent. we like going to those fight events so now we get to go for free :) ]

i'm supposed to be on a vacation but something doesn't feel right. my head? i feel okay about the shopping, going to the party yesterday, going to see improv tonight... but i feel like i've wasted time too. i havent done anything in days. haven't replied emails, haven't dealth with dA...nothing. and, i feel kind of weak, tired or such. but like, in a really big perspective. suddenly i lack the drive that keeps me going. not good.

the other night Kev and i watched Zodiac. just a movie, i don't feel like i wasted my time, but that's prolly cos i didn't expect much from it. it had some visually nice scenes, even inspiring.

from the very bad Casanova (2005) movie:
Sister Beatrice: What then, senor Casanova, do you seek?
Casanova: A moment that lasts a lifetime.

at the improv show i met Hesi again. and her friend Eugene, whom i was supposed to meet up with while in moscow in June. the world is small, our schedules didn't match up then but now i met him anyway. Hesi had told him i'm the chick who thinks she can drink canadians under the table, and altho they are originally russians, i think i can handle it. so we will drink sometime soon. next friday i'm meeting this local photographer guy for the same reason. i think his name is Tristan.

oh and James performed at the improv show too, really well might i add. he's someone i briefly met when i was in canada in 2004. i think there was flirt when we first met, not sure. anyway we exchanged e-mails. last year, in around august, he was travelling in europe with his brother and wrote me and we met just quickly for a drink in helsinki. i thought it was kind of fun, having met him first in his home town, on the other side of the world, and then have him over in my city. and now we met again. he's really laid back and friendly person.

today sucked for me, and not just cos in the end i felt disappointed and unhappy. from the beginning the day was doomed i think. i am caught up in memories and trivial crap, i am stressed over insignificant things...i miss my keyboard, (all) my clothes and some friends. i can't take the small talk, i had forgotten how horrible it is.

just got home from a party in Toronto. this trip is serving me as a lesson in moderate drinking. i don't want to drink finnish style if everyone else is low key...so. people thought i was local at the party, but in the end i was called Finlandia which is what i brought with me actually. it's nice that my accent would pass for a local, but the truth is that my communication and expression is limited, i lack words, synomyms, phrases, slang...knowledge of the language to rape it... a persons expression is a part of their personality, and mine is limited in english. so i feel like people sort of get a limited or wrong impression of me. in finnish my expression is fairly colorful i think, and even if it isn't, it's perfectly under my control and totally me.

i did a little bit of shopping today and yesterday. shoes, shirts, underwear, jewellery...
the shoes are kinda cheapo but well, they were cheap, so. [below]














one pair of earrings has these hearts hanging and they make a sound touching each other... i think they might be a little over the top for finland. i tend to end up buying this shit that i can only wear here comfortably and that is kind of WTFDYTYA in finland. (Who The Fuck Do You Think You Are)

busy couple days... things are going decently, i just installed my flashpaste. what would i do without a copy-paste program? :P

i don't think i planned my flight too well, not sleeping prior to it and all. i was pretty fuckin tired when i got here. if there's a 'shittiest airport in the world' contest, i will vote for Pearson Toronto. but since then things have been real good. Kev took me to eat some canadian fast food straight away and after coming 'home' i pretty much just fell asleep. yesterday we went to get Tim Hortons coffee (i drink coffee in Canada, for no apparent reason), i started installing stuff on the computer and we went to eat orange chicken in the chinese restaurant. i'm starting to fill my calendar now...the time here is limited. whether i mean on earth or canada, all the same.

on my flight from helsinki to prague, i saw some familiar faces, the head of my department and some marketing people from the company i work for were on their way to prague to some conference. even though the country is small that was quite a coincidence. the flight was late and i ran for my life from one end of the airport to the other just to find that the connecting flight was delayed by an hour. so then i was sitting there, sweaty, and had the time to ponder where the fuck is prague anyway. i think i have been there, on vacation sometime, but its (one of) the areas that i confuse easily. i tried calling my bf to ask in which country is prague in, and while listening to the dial tone i stared at the logo of my flight carrier; CZA airlines. yea. so nevermind, i figured it out, and hung up. on the plane i was sitting next to Larry who was a typically talkative canadian. and a photographer. 9 hours and one lifestory later i explained every detail of my trip to the customs officers and were allowed to enter the country.

i want to watch movies.

i'm going to proceed to move my ass to canada now. it'll be a long day.

my new fav band is Viikate :)

i've been frantically cleaning my computer for a couple days now. 2 nights ago, thanks to my own stupidity, i got myself viruses and whatnot (it seems almost like they'd reproduce by themselves?). i realised it as it happened and well, then i started to clean the mess. i just haven't had the time and energy, so yea, i've been using my computer while it has viruses on it. my anti-v prog got some of them off but those nasty bastards are sticky, so i've had to go manual. i really can't stand having any bugs in my computer, unlike my home(way below), the computer has to be CLEAN. to think of it, it's around the same time that my flu or whatever started, maybe i'm so bonded with my computer that i caught a virus from it? eh.

Aleksander Emilianenko (below) and his brother are just so funny... look at that face. the head always slightly tilted, and no way to change the dull expression. whether at a press conference or in the ring beating someone unconscious, it looks like they're just having another (fuckin boring) day in the office. russians...*rolls eyes*. and what's that tattooed in Aleksander's arm? the funny church by the red square? i always forget what it's called... well u know which one i mean anyway.




and check out his brother right here. looks like a slug huh? but u let him loose and the guys an animal... like a train, he'll just determinedly squashes anyone in his way. it's awesome.

anyway, tomorrow is really exciting, PRIDE's openweight grand prix will determine the best fighter out there. period. and the final four that looks out to beat each other is great. but, if a person is into MMA, they know that already.

i wanna go to the Netherlands... always did but i haven't managed to so far. they seem cool being so openminded and all... and i imagine Amsterdam to be lively and colorful. and of course, some of the best MMA fighters come from there...god would know why if he excisted. but i'm curious so maybe i will find out for myself. maybe in 2007... *hopes*

i'm really close to starting to order shit from the internet to my canadian address... the shipping expenses are SO much smaller or non-existent... it'll be awesome to go abroad just to find stuff u've shopped beforehand! so i just go there and sit around with the stuff and relax, the shopping part over and done with. lol.















home.

i'm eating fried sausages and doing nothing. clearly i'm having a day off :) i'm trying to finish the 4th sausage and feeling sick... granted, 4 sausages is a bit much but i figured that while i'm at it, u know.

later we're meeting up with the 'part timers' for "a" beer. in finnish it's called 'tuntaribisset'. can't translate it.

Johan felt that his pic below is ugly and we need to balance this out by showing off one of his shots from sunday night. i picked between a photo where i licked rhum from the floor and this friendly pose. Kev says it's unhealthy to lick the floor but we agree to disagree there. i think it's just gross, not dangerous in any way (as long it's a normal apartment floor with no feces on it). so if u spill your drink, no worries, go after it... anyway, here u go



















speaking of Kev, i'm a little worried about my trip to Canada. he's into cooking food, and i'm into eating that food, up to the point it hurts. now THAT is unhealthy. i gained quite a bit of weight last time i stayed with him. i should loose some before going.... hmm. suggestions? other than being stressed about saving money for the trip and this food/weight issue that Kev is responsible for, i am quite looking forward to this trip... there were so many people in Canada that i'm missing and many more to meet. not to mention shooting...:P

this finnish guy is writing a blog about his (coming) suicide. first i was interested but pretty soon i concluded that...i am not. based on the way i think it works, i don't believe he'll do it. and if he does, well, that's the end of that. i'm not careless because i don't know him. surely he has friends and family that'll miss him. maybe i am among his friends, who knows? but that's life, u have the right choose. he's explaining that he came to this conclusion as he doesn't have the "essential prerequisites to continue living". this is because he cannot survive being so poor, and without the support from friends and family. he complains about being hungry and how he will "inevitably" loose the roof from above his head later this year. all in all he's whiny and martyr-like. okay so he's in a bad spot, loosing his home, probably nobody to support him as he claims, whether that's his own fault or not is not important... but i find that people who have really decided to die, don't feel the need to whine so much anymore. because they have no energy left for that. humans in my opinion tend to try survive no matter what their head tells them, so they rarely give up until they really have nothing else left. and despite what this 30yr old says, he seems to have a lot left. he has the energy to find a computer and set up a blog and actually vent about his situation. it sounds more like he's trying to get the officials to raise the unemployment-aid by dragging attention to himself. i don't know if he's on unemployment aid tho, he might've said and i didn't notice, but so what. he says that he'll drag on a little while until he has no choice due to the circumstances and that sounds bitter. i don't believe that someone who's so tired of life and ready to die has any bitterness left, or the energy to be bitter. he says that he also has practical things left to arrange before he can die. suiciders don't arrange practical stuff, they just kill themselves. arranging stuff sounds nice, but for some reason it's rare. finally, he comments on the comments that he's received and corrects some misunderstandings and misconceptions and has the need to explain why suicide is alright and understandable and so forth. that's no behavior of a person who's lost the will to live and cannot go on. he is trying to make it sound like he is a martyr of the society and altho he likes life he just *has to* to do this due to the horrible circumstances but i don't think people function like that. as long as he thinks he's a victim and would like to go on if the circumstances were different, he has the will to live on and probably will. he needs meds or a maybe deportation to sweden. why the fuck am i venting about some guy who is supposedly about to kill himself? i dunno, i should actually go do my make up, i'm already late.

last week i was looking at flights to toronto as i wanna go there for a couple months later this year. the cheapest was 666euros, it seemed like a lucky number so i was happy. i wanted to check some stuff with the canadian officials though and today as i decided to book it the 666-flight was gone :( instead there was a czech airlines flight for 514euros... i don't think i'm too afraid of flying but czech airlines just sounds...uh. anyway since the price difference to the 2nd cheapest was 150euros and i really could use the money, i took it.

i paid the flights and it did get me into thinking wtf am i doing. a 2 month vacation? can i really afford this? am i stupid? *shrugs*

i met Jasu today, a friend who spends a lot of his time in Thailand these days. we watched 'Click', the Adam Sandler comedy and it was pretty bad as we presumed. sometimes i feel like i'm the only person who can tell if a movie is good or bad just based on the name/cast/trailer/etc. but he is like me. we talked about how weird it is when people go see MI3 and then go all 'it was pretty bad!' as if they were surprised, and they really are. if i go 'it's a fuckin sequel, what did you really expect?', they mumble something. it's like people totally lack judgement when it comes to movies. it's worrying. coincidentally, i met Jasu while working in a video store, in 1997-1998. one might wonder why did we watch Click if we knew it's bad. well, that's another thing most people don't get. it's called 'general knowledge', kind of keeping up with the times and what's going on. so, i'll probably watch MI3 too some day, the only difference is that i don't expect it to be very good and therefore won't be disappointed. i'll just watch it for the sake of watching it. it's like one of those things you need to see, no big deal :)

my bf hasn't been online like the whole day, i wonder where the fuck is he :S i have to note that my 'whole day' started at 3pm when i got up.

TO DO -list for me and Kev for when i go back to Canada:
*hamburger eating contest
*take photos together
*go to Montreal
*go to Halloween party :D
*go to Los Angeles
*speak with cool accents
*jen sleeping on Kev's couch
*get fish and chips
*movie marathon

FFF