i called my ex-bf, just to ask how he's doing and basically to keep in touch. he wasn't talkative. never was, but he wasn't talking unless i asked something so finally i let it sink into silence. so he then said he needs to do some cleaning up and maybe we'll keep in touch ("we'll see what happens, let it go the way it goes") and bye. i called him maybe a year ago, i think the same thing happened. and i saw him 2 yrs ago. that was kinda blah too. it saddens me that he has no interest in holding on to the friendship. it was always difficult with him, communication i mean, but when he said he always wants me to be a part of his life (even if not dating), i did believe him. he probably believed himself too. i guess life just does it's thing and ... i know this happens a lot, it's hard to keep in touch with an ex, but i wished i could. when someone meant to much to me at some time, i would like to try hard to keep them in my life, even if it means just one phone call each year. so it's somewhat hurtful when i feel like the other person has no interest in doing so. has no interest in me? he was always like that but when i loved him i would just agitate him long enough for him to react and he would return to me, but now... i don't think i'll call him again.

last night Sebastian was over, we had pizza and energy drinks, trained some jiu jitsu locks and just talked.

i've had better days, but worse ones as well. altho i know i can manage the Canada-trip, it makes me ask myself wtf am i doing. i don't regret, i'm not backing up, i just wonder how sane it is to take off 2 months from work just to have an expensive 'vacation' abroad. i believe in doing what you feel like though, it could be naive or what my generation is about, i dunno, maybe i'm running away from responsibilities. yesterday i talked with my boss and she seemed positive regarding it, meaning that i can probably just have the time off and then return back to work.