i could sum up today as being...."shit" :)

things could be worse. i suppose.

4th day at work in a row. and another coming up. and then work on saturday. i need a fuckin break.

i'm kind of sitting in a strange spot at work. not strange, but surrounded by people who are not in the same team as me. its not a big deal, i mean i know all the people anyway, but eventually people get to know their own team members better and talk with them more and stuff. so i'm sort of in a strange land in that spot. every day i exchange a few more sentences with a person here or there and get to know them a little more. i got a positive feeling from that today. but for a while now, because of my lack of motivation for work in general, i've felt kind of outsiderish among the people at work... maybe its just the spot i sit in? no i don't think so, its a lot of little things...i dunno, maybe i've been anti-social myself?

i found Moonspell again. i fuckin love 'Made of Storm', again and again. have no idea what the lyrics really mean, but sometimes the best ones just give you a feeling, an idea, rather than a specific detailed description of a real thing.

I am the flood
who drags the dirt
and lives on it
She is the soil
with whom I flirt
and rots with it
I am the flood
who purifies
I guess she calls Me
the Lord of Lies
when I'm inside her
feels like she is
made of Storm
I am the flood
who likes the dirt
and sleeps with it
she is the soil
with whom I flirt
she rots within
I am the flood
who purifies
She does not know
she's fucking with
the Lord of Lies
when I'm inside her
feels like she is
made of Storm"

i cancelled my doctors appointment, i decided to survive. maybe it is a sign of getting better, even if just a little tiny bit?