i decided to buy tortilla chips and salsa on my way home. from his place. last night i got depressed, suddenly the illusion broke, i felt like a doll, i felt like it was a fuckin play, i felt like he does not care about me, and him asking 'what's wrong?' just made it worse because as i wouldn't answer the question he would merely fall asleep, which to me proved my point. the things i thought of are all true, but on normal basis i just don't think about it, i enjoy the good stuff. for some reason last night the reality was overwhelming. and in the morning i felt the same. he wanted to talk about it but i knew it would make it worse so i asked if we could talk about something else. because something else would take my mind off the negative things and let me enjoy the illusion again. and that is what happened. one night, some time ago, he was on top of me (...) while his nose started bleeding. i thought that was hilarious.

yesterday Arttu asked me which would be worse, if one morning i woke up and realized i was either a lesbian or a 'fennovegan' (fennovegan is a vegan who only eats domestic food products, and a vegan is a person who doesn't eat any animal based food products). my answer was fennovegan. if given the options lesbian or a vegetarian, lesbian would be worse. because it would change my whole identity, being a female who prefers men has affected my personality, behavior and thinking all the way. to wake up as a lesbian i would need to reconsider everything. but to be a fennovegan would affect my future more than my past. so thats worse. to wake up as a bisexual would be perfectly fine, i'm on the edge of being one anyway, or might be one depending on the criteria.


this photo did not really turn out the way i hoped, but the 'making of'-shot by Mark is fun. she is holding a bible, tearing a page off one by one 'loves me, loves me not,...' ... that's how i feel about christianity and i know full well that not many agree. to me its like, 'god loves everyone, BUT...' you have to pray, ask for forgivness, you feel guilty when you break his rules, you need to pray some more, and perhaps if you try your fuckin best you'll go to heaven. but if you don't do a good enough job, you'll go to hell but hey god still loves you! like, wtf.















i still have to go to work for a couple hours... oh well.

Noah K has been taking photos of himself ever fuckin day. awesome.