April 17, 2007

mmm, americans have been busy shooting each other again. oh the wonderful land of a gun-for-everyone :) there they go again.

i met with my mom, stepfather and his sister and bf today. had dinner at her place. teached her how to use the digital receiver. as we talked about having children, and how i don't wish to have any, i just noted that people who do get kids, planned or not, tend to not regret it, so clearly children are a major thing, in a positive way. and the sisters bf then says he regrets them. i was like what?! no one ever says that, a sober, balanced person anyway. he later specified he does not regret one of his daughters, but the rest... not sure how many there are but at least 2 daughters and 2 sons i guess. mostly drunks that blatantly try to abuse their father monetary and whatnot. sounded sad really, and he sounded bitter. which again, sounds sad.

tomorrow i'm getting my tattoo fixed, the white Memento Mori one. if i think of the money i've thrown into this, i could be pissed...but its for life, so money shouldn't be an issue. and i am already planning for the next ones.

we talked about the summer with him. i have been reluctant to plan anything further than spring, but i am just human, i am giving in. it was supposed to be so temporary, uncertain. i still think it is. i have some major trust issues and loads of scepticism. i remember thinking in january or february, how its nice to have this honeymoon experience with him and too bad summer is so far away, beyond our reach, as i would've enjoyed a picnic with him. now, it seems almost possible. it scares me, i did not plan it this way. and these changes with my life are worrying me too. i'm not sure how to handle everything. i counted on us being 'done' by now, but each day follows the previous and every day i make the decision of wanting to go on for another day. *shrugs*

in the end my skin was SO dry and flaky, despite adding moisturizer, that i decided it was a problem caused by something. allergic reaction to my new moisturizer? because no matter how much i used it, the skin just got worse within a few days.

Paradise Lost's Draconian Times is such a good album, i'd forgotten. i've probably said it before but i love it when Manson says "i don't really know, what sorry means" in Forever Failure. i have big issues with the word, and rarely even feel the need to use it, even when confronted about it (apparently sometimes it would be appropriate). if i run into someone on the street, or reply an email late, i don't have a problem, but anything bigger and you won't be hearing it. i won't admit its necessary and just skip the whole thing. i bet Freud would have an analysis of my problem.

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