despite my good mood i think that maybe i am in search mode atm, not lost but looking around. at the open sea. its not a negative or a positive thing. it just is.

Julia and i were supposed to watch a movie but i felt like not concentrating in such. so i left her watching The Hills Have Eyes while i derailed into my bed and tried to read that Palahniuk book. its not that it wasn't funny, or that he didn't write very well, with interesting descriptions and figures of speech, but... i was more interested in Jamison's suicide book again. who cares, at least i read something. occasionally i would glimpse and see the blood bath going on at my screen, and it would inspire me. merely hearing the horror-sounds that are so typical of these movies can give me photo-ideas.

in the book (Night Falls Fast) there was a story about a young boy who hung himself by the christmas tree. he'd written a note that was pinned to his shirt when the parents found him; "Merry Christmas". what a present that must've been. first i passed that as amusingly gruesome, and saddening for the parents of course. but its more interesting than that. it was not mentioned how old he was, but the boy had angst i assume, anger? and humor. a child in itself is the biggest gift a person can have, parents often describe. now is it ironic to see that gift hanging from the ceiling? i don't mean ironic to the parents, certainly not, but in general? a gift is given, and taken away. and the boy gave himself as a gift while taking himself away. as if his deed was supposed to be a gift.

a 15 yr old girl wrote in her suicide note:
"to whom it may concerm,
if i should die in my childhood, this is my will. ..."
the note then goes on to the specifics of the few items she owns and who should they be given to (quite common in suicide notes). and so forth. and then she 'gives all her love' to her siblings, mother and father. and thats pretty much it. a typical suicide note in fact. i just found interesting the part in the beginning because it says "if i should die in my childhood", a conditional clause and so mature or official sounding, froma 15 year old. "if this should happen to me... "(knowing full well it will)... yea. well.


"it is time to take off the amber
time to change the words,
time to put out the lamp
above the door..."
-Marina Tsvetaeva