March 03, 2007

i'm still depressed, but shopping cheered me up tremendously. its both awesome and scary how much shopping can affect my state of mind. i wasn't really planning on buying anything, but i got all kinds of stuff...a skirt, shirts, a jacket... all the things i don't *really* need. the things i do need would require trying them out, like jeans, and i was too lazy for that. while shopping got me back to my numb happiness, my issues and discussion with him got me down again. we disagree on some things, i think i'm always right so i try to desperately have him do things my way...but that doesn't really work in life does it? well it does with some people, but he's ...a difficult case. or should i say challenging? no, impossible. impossible to manipulate to do things my way, so i realize i'm the bad guy supposedly. anyway things aren't so bad, but different from the usual. i'm acting bitchy and upset. and occasionally just depressed, which is worst for all parties. but what can u do.

in any case we bought new bed linen, i thought we should have something 'shared', but he can keep them after we break up, i will just remember them. grey/pink.

at this very moment i am feeling okay, but i think when the right moment comes, some space and quiet, i will fall on my knees again. same old issues as i said, and (i believe) stress from not being myself fully, lately. this can't go on very long. lets see what tomorrow brings. i'm being pretty passive i suppose, and thats what Arttu told me as well. i need to take charge of things. but when i'm down and weak, i don't feel like i can.

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