lacking costume

 I struggle between price and preferences when it comes to books. some of the books I want to read can be found on BookBeat (Finnish), where I have an account already and so they are “free”, but for books written in english I would really rather read them in english. That means I would have to buy them off Amazon or somewhere. Ive already complained earlier how I don’t like the popular reading apps where you have to pay per book, or, you get one included monthly. they tend to be fiction heavy services anyway.

dont like: someone deciding to adopt a foster cat and then taking over a week to actually pick them up. like, maybe schedule your pet project for when you actually have the time. 

dont like: how the response to having foster cats is always without an exception ”aww, do you find it hard when they leave, do you want to keep them?”. thats probably what i might ask too and its a very natural question but im so tired of it. maybe mostly because i feel like there is only one ”right” answer which is ”oh yes, its terribly hard, and i wish i could keep every single one”. yes im exaggarating, but i do feel like the truth, which is that most of the time i feel relief (among other things) is not really what people want to hear. sonehow it makes me sound shit?! like, ive just looked after this animal for maybe 2-4 weeks, usually involving medications or other special care because theyve been spayed or had injuries, how is it wrong to be okay with them gone? why doesnt anyone ask dr if he misses the patients he discharges, would he like to keep them in the ER? yeah not quite the same but vaguely. i guess for me they are pets+patients both, often more of the latter especially at first. but for the person asking its just the pet point of view, and who would like to give away a pet, right? once they are healthy they become more of a pet but i still see them as subjects to look after mainly. and so often they have psychological ”injuries”, being very shy, having stress around eating, and so i keep worrying on/off about these things. i sound like im doing this reluctantly which obviously im not, but i do get stressed and there is a relief when that responsibility is gone. i enjoy the pet aspect (when theyre not hiding under a cupboard for a week straight), seeing them improve, starting to trust, the soft fur… but its a part of the package. i remember once when these cute baby kittens left i got teary eyed, i think that was one my maternal hormone cell expressing itself.

i do like: Jess giving me this book she liked and thought i might enjoy (Tomorrow And Tomorrow And Tomorrow by Zevin), giving random things to friends is really thoughtful. when Ada came over a week ago she brought me a whole sourdough bread she had made, that was a wow moment for me. and it was genuinely good 

i do like: Sainsburys Habitat scented candles - good value. 

i do like: dr being such a chef these days, i feel lucky.

Muriel

ive been the cinema a few times lately. One Battle After Another was quite good, it made me think. The Roses was so-so, i wouldnt say bad but also not great. I went to see these with Nicola who lives almost opposite to us. Then earlier this week i went to see Frankenstein with Simon from my ”dinner group”. it was visually pleasing and all but i think i should maybe stick with more contemporary films cos i wasnt that impressed and i had the same experience with Nosferatu. like, nice but not entirely my thing. so i am keen to see Bugonia as i have enjoyed previous Lanthimos films, it seems like it could be up my alley. 

the ads shown before a movie in the theatre are somewhat different than those in Finland or Turkey. theres your supermarket ad, car ads…and then a recruitment ad for the Royal Marines or an anti-knife crime infomercial. 

we went to dr’s colleagues halloween party, but i’d been so busy/tired i could not bring myself to think of a costume. i just folded.