fur and wrinkles

 Samantha and Eva chilling. they left on thursday.

i have been lately getting allergic reactions randomly, hives and itchiness that comes out of nowhere and then calms down on its own. then it doesnt happen for a while and then suddenly appears again. the bodys immune system reacting like this is not too unusual, and i dont find it worrying. but dr knows that in 1/50 000 or whatever it could just get way worse and he prescribed me an epipen. we agree its an excessive measure but then again, why not. mostly its just annoying, suddenly being covered in red spots or welts and feeling uncomfortable.

dr cooks these recipe boxes and the food tends to turn out really good.

i came across this video, not familiar with the "school of greatness" and dont care but Esther Perel is amazing "unconditional love is a myth"  she is so smart and knowledgeable when it comes to relationships.

i went to see The Substance with Ceri last night. the theme of aging and pressure to stay looking young was what drew me in. i could relate to some of it as ive been keenly observing changes in myself the past few years. the style of the film kind of started changing half way through though and i didnt find direction and especially last querter particularly interesting even if i apreciated the homage to Carrie and other details. i did find that the movie was a bit too obvious about its messaging, but that was a stylistic choice as well i guess. and i dont have to link it. some of the visuals were great though and again, i recognised a lot in when it comes to seeing changes in yourself and how the world seems to judge women. ive found that what im attracted to definitely ages with me, Demi Moore looked amazing imo and i find myself thinking 40+ men are at their best. 30+ can look good too but 20+ guys (or girls) look like kids.  

nailpolish

dr turned 45 this week and i took him to this illusion art experience thing and eating out after.

this wet wipe package (by Cushelle) says biodegredable and flushable. i wouldnt flush these either way but since we had a pack i thought i'd test and let one wipe sit in a glass of tea and water for a week. mixing occasionally and picking it up to see if it would break apart on touch or pulling, nope. some small fibers came off but it kept its form fully. gross.

confused temp cat mom

we got 2 new foster cats, they are staying for just 2 weeks tho. samantha and eva, mom & daughter. shy little girls they are. but especially Sammy is slowly wanting more and more pets, like i need to get up 5mins earlier cos she needs her morning petting.

i started watching Sex Education last week, ive been meaning to for ages but just couldnt get around to it. somehow Gillian Andersons new book coming out inspired me. im enjoying both the book and the series.

after a little break im back to feeling confused. as in not sure what im supposed to be doing and what i want. work is pretty good now tho, keeping me busy with new responsibilities, so thats one question less. but the rest of my life… eh. i think im exploring my options and sort of in a transition phase. typical midlife stuff!

today i did a very adult thing. we're going to Jess & Ollie's to hang out with the whole family (2 kids) for the afternoon and i was panicking what to bring. i saw a street vendor selling flowers and realised THATS what people always take, flowers! so i got a bunch and felt very accomplished.

huonot vibat

tuossa muutama pv sitten hesarin sivulla lävähti vastaan iso mainos. nainen ja mies sohvalla kotibileissä. valaistus oli miehen kasvoissa joten katsoin niitä ehkä sekunnin ennen mitään muuta. sit kun katsoin niitä yhdessä niin tuli epämiellyttävä olo. vähän ahdistava. siinä kohtaa oli menny ehkä 3-4 sekuntia ja luin mainostekstin ” siinä on energiaa”. hämmennyin, tän siis pitäs olla positiivinen, hetkinen, ehkä katsoin jotenkin väärin. piti katsoa lisää. nainen vaikutti vetäytyvältä, käsi suojasi itseä. tarkensin kasvoihin ja etsin jotain positiivista. sit katsoin taas kokonaisuutta. olenko jotenkin väärässä, siis joo, ja Helenin logo, sähköä siis, kyl tän pitäs olla hyvä juttu jotenkin. sit kuvittelin itseni naisena, ja mietin että okei joo, voisihan noin olla, ja vakava ilme on oikeastaan himokasta silmäpeliä, ehkä tunnelma on siis hyvin odottava ja latautunut. mutta kun ajatukseni herpaantui ja astuin taas katsojaksi niin sama nihkeys palasi. mietin että hitto olenko joku hullun negatiivinen feministi joka näkee vaan ahdistelua ympärillään, tämähän on isolla rahalla tehty mainos ja varmasti mietitty, että kyl tässä on oltava hyvä fiilis?! mut lopputuloksena päätin et eikun tää on kyl nyt vaan vähän huonosti tehty, visuaalinen viesti ei ole tarpeeksi kirkas. naisen kehonkieli voisi olla myönteisempi ilman että mitään menetettäisiin. ei olis pakko hymyillä jos kroppa olis tarpeeksi selvästi messissä. vaihtoehtoisesti jos kropan on oltava noin perääntynyt niin ovela hymy kasvoilla kertoisi riittävästi. en näe mitään syytä miksi tilanne on jätetty on epäselväksi, 2024 ja post-me-too… miksi?!

olin tuosta niin hämmentynyt että postasin myös faceen, vaikkei siellä enää kukaan olekaan. no oli muutama ihminen kuitenkin ja useampi nainen liketti postaustani, ja useampi mies kommentoi. nimenomaisesti naiset siis painoi peukkuja ja miehet kirjoitti. olin tosi ilahtunut paitsi siitä että toi oli just noin päin, ja että jotkut arvostamani mieshenkilöt näki saman mitä minä ja osoitti niin selvästi tukensa. nyt tosiaan on 2024 :) ja toki naispuolistenkin tuttujen samanmielisyys tuntui hyvältä. olin jo ehtinyt kysyä parilta kaverilta whastappissa, myös ulkkiksilta, pelkällä ”what do u see in the pic?”, ja olin saanut varmistusta sille etten ole yksin kuvitelmineni.

aloin kuunnella äänikirjana Aallotar Haapasaaren Dionysiaa joka kertoo kirjailijan omakohtaisista kokemuksista seksityöntekijänä, mutta myös lapsuudesta ja muutenkin itsen löytämisestä. olen about uolessavälissä. se on miellyttävän raikas ja helppo kuunnella, kirjoittajan itse lukemana nautin persoonallisesta äänestä ja tyylistä myös. mua vähän ehkä harmitti että tyyppi on niin nuori, koska se tarkoittaa (mulle) että tuo seksityön kokemuspinta on silleen semisti ohut, eihän millään alalla muutaman vuoden ollut ole yleensä mikään asiantuntija - kuvittelen et 5 tai 10 vuoden päästä aiheesta olis vielä paljon enempi sanottavaa. mutta myös muu tausta ja seksuaalisuuteen ym liittyvä mitä kirjassa oli ehkä eka 1/3 ni oli mielenkiintoista, että silleen en valita. teksti on viihdyttävän oivaltavaa, ja siinä on vähän samaistumispintaa mutta kuitenkin tosi paljon erilaistakin. 

reading device

as soon i was maybe past halfway in Art Thief (i was busy working on puzzles and audiobooks the past weekend...) i started with Amia Srinivasan's The Right To Sex, which is a feminist essay collection on consent and related subjects. Audible is not suitable for me due to this habit of listening to several books at once and draging them out forever sometimes. and also sometimes i prefer to read, depends on the type of book. I wish Bookbeat was bigger in UK, now im settling for the finnish one.

chatGPT has become a bigger part of my life. aside from testing genAI solutions at work, i am actively using it in my daily life, finally. i find i like it especially for when i need "collected & combined" information, like "what are the most common forms of vitamin C used in cosmetics and which of those have the most scientific evidence in being beneficial and please provide sources as links." the other week when Ada visited me and i cooked, i asked chatGPT for recipe ideas based on i already had, and then after choosing from the suggested ingredients i had it tell me how to prepare it. the end results was not particularly gourmet but i will take the blame for that. i also asked chatGPT what are good free options to Evernote that can be used over 2 devices. and then after choosing Notion, how to import my Evernote content over to Notion. saved me a lot of time. i am working on coming up with new uses, but i feel a it like a boomer, im not the most inventive as im stuck in my old ways of doing things. and im worried i might use it wrong and it'll make my brain lazy. or lazier than it already is.

i have bought a couple of new perfumes this year. i like nice scents. now i am working hard on remembering to use them. i try to make it a part of my morning & going out routine. i got a couple of Maison Margiela Replica's and D&G's L'Imperatrice.

i bought my first ipad. or any tablet for that matter. its pink. not the latest model (10th gen 2022), as  my plan is to just use it for reading and maybe making some notes. it was still pricey so now i really hope i will actually follow through with my plan on reading etc. i set the screen to almost B&W to try and make it more book like, in my mind. also cos in the bed in the evening the bright colours (despite the warm tone i had already turned on for night time) would maybe stimulate me too much. the nearly colourless screen looks suitably boring. anyway, yet another thing to charge. life is all about charging devices these days. instead of taking the goats to the field and milking cows, our lives are about getting our devices charged...

i think ive shed my summer tan finally and the sunny days in finland and here have not changed the course and im looking wonderfully pale now, like i could almost be diagnosed as anemic. or maybe thats just my fantasy. ironically(pun), i defo dont have anemia despite eating vegetarian/pescatarian. lucky with genes i think. 

Arttu was here for a week. a very good week, i might add. we had dinner at Brat, a michelin star restaurant, but one of the more affordable ones. i knew he'd appreciate the quality and i am stingy with restaurants so it was a good comporomise. the size of this starter/side bread though OMG. and it was so good. i love carbs.

Aleks and Raissa came over for dinner last night. i went with pasta, again. thats one of the few things i know how to make. i tried fresh pasta for the first time ever. it worked out ok. i mixed spaghetti with pesto sauce and roasted veggies. 

want

i was in finland for over 2 weeks to attend a few work events. i enjoyed the long stay. sometimes i fantasize of longer stays. challenging to arrange as dr cant stay long due to his work and obviously it would be expensive too if i rented a place for a month or so.

one thing i like about AI chats is that they are very forgiving about typos. makes my life so much easier.

gillian anderson has become like an idol. confident & smart pro-sex middle aged woman... she has a book called Want coming out  where she (or someone) has collected anonymous womens fantasies - i am definitely interested.

i started listening to Art Thief by Michael Finkel which Paavo recommended. i like it, easy enough and up my alley.

i tend to bring chocolate from finland and hand it out to friends and acquintances. later i often get positive feedback, people say they were very pleasantly surprised. are they just being polite? i dunno, they bring it up spontaneously. if they are lying thats their problem. i feel very accomplished, even if all i did is bring the chocolate, its not like i made it. i hold on to my naive belief that finnish chocolate is some of the best around and so im going to keep spreading the wo...chocolate.

 airport

arttu came to stay with us yesterday. well, dr is still in Bosnia hiking but will get back in a few days so we can do something nice together.

merilehmä

olen jatkanut nyt lomienja reissujen jälkeen Erkka Mykkäsen Sellainen mies kirjan kuuntelua. aika hitaasti siis edistyy. mutta nyt siinä oli siitä kuinka tuore idea romanttinen rakkaus on, ja siitähän nyt aina kuulee. mutta sitten se siteerasi jotain sarjakuvapiirtäjää tms joka oli esittänyt että romanttinen rakkaus on länsimaissa tavallaan syrjäyttänyt uskonnon, ja tullut sen tilalle. sen sijaan et uskotaan että jeesus pelastaa, niin ajatellaan että Se Oikea pelastaa. ja kun Sen Oikean löytää niin vaikka siinä on haasteensa niin kunhan et tee syntiä (esim. petä) niin elämä on sitten hyvin ja olet tavallaan autuas. tosta pettämisestä onkin hauska huomio että sitähän kutsutaan uskottomuudeksi. ja sitähän jotakuinkin pidetään pahempana kuin mitään muuta syntiä. olen ajatellut että aika suhteettomasti.
jälkihuomiona, sarjakuvapiirtäjä johon Mykkänen viittaa taitaa olla tää Liv Strömquist.

 

yritin myös - taas kerran - lukea reilun fiktiivistä kirjaa, Miranda Julyn Nelinkontin. mieluummin oilisn yrittänyt alkuperäisellä kielellä mutta se oli Bookbeatissä suomennattuna tietysti joten ok. alussa oli ihan jänniä ja hauskoja juttuja, kirjoitustyyli oli ok. mutta sitten koko p*ska lähti raiteiltaan, päähenkilö/kertoja paljastui täysin epärealistiseksi ja mahdottomaksi hahmoksi. mielestäni. tipuin kärryiltä ja yritin vielä toiset 10 tai jotain sivua ja sitten annoin periksi. 

 

Seuraavana jonossa on Irene Kajon Yhdellä meistä on kokemus epäasiallisesta kohtelusta tai no aloitin sitä jo vähän mutta ehä mun pitäs nyt saada edes yks kirja loppuun tässä myös. 

ainiin ja Paavo joka vieraili meillä n. kuukausi sitten suositteli eri kirjoja, mm.Jonathan Rosenin The Best Mindsia ja miuta, mutta englanninkielisiä. ja kummisetäni jota näin helsingissä suositteli kirjoja, mm. Aura Koiviston Mies ja merilehmä, joka kertoo saksalaisesta tiedemies-tutkijasta Georg Stelleristä, ja sen matkoista. toinen suositus oli Ilari Aallon matkaopas keskiajan Suomeen. kummia oli muutenkin mukava nähdä vaimoineen, meillä synkkaa ihan hyvin.

näin helsingissä käydessä myös uudistuneen piritorin. siinä oli laatoitus ja muutama puun tapainen. en muista mitä siinä oli aiemmin mutta vaikea käsittää miten tuohon uudistukseen meni niinkin kauan aikaa. varmaan tehty homemittauksia ja jouduttu kaivan koko maa ulösalaisin kun mikrobeja on löytynyt. siis koska mä en vaan yllätyis jos niitä nyt etsittäis jo ulkoakin, suomalaisten homehimo ei ota laantuakseen. joka tapauksessa, jos asuisin suomessa ni piritorin läheisyydessä olisi ihan ok, tuttu alue joka edelleen miellyttää. 

töissä oli erilaisia tapahtumia joihin osallistuin, strategiapuheita ja tiimidinneriä (johon kannoin pieniä palapelejä että olis vähän kepeämpi tunnelma). huomasin että oli kiva taas olla toimistolla ja ihmisten keskellä, vaikka työ ei ole toimistolla yhtä tehokasta kuin kotona. jotkut asiat silti sujuu paremmin kun voi vetää tyyppejä hihasta, ja syntyy keskusteluja. huomasin kommentoivani kollegan hiuksia, tai kysyin oliko käynyt kampaajalla ja että (leikkaus) sopii hänelle tms. tyyppi oli siis vaan lyhentänyt. onko ulkonäköä kuitenkaan missään muotoa sopva kommentoida, edes positiivisesti? tajusin että en kommentoi miesten hiuksia jos ne on lyhyet alunpitäenkin ja sit ne vaan käy "normaalisti" lyhentämässä niitä. mutta tällä miehellä oli pitkät hiukset jotka oli nyt polkkapituiset. miksi sen kommentoiminen tuntui luontevammalta? naisten hiuksia koen myös ihan sopivana kommentoida (positiivisesti). lisäksi tajusin myöhemmin että käytin tosiaan sanaa kampaaja, vaikka miehet kai käy parturissa...? no, sillä ei mielestäni ole väliä, mutta miellänkö miehen jolla on pitkät hiukset jotenkin ememmän naiselliseksi jolloin hiuksien kommentointi muuttuu yhtäkkiä hyväksyttäväksi? onko tämä vaan jatkumoa sille kuinka kaikki kokee ylipätäään asiakseen ja oikeudekseen kommentoida naisten ulkonäköä? yleisesti ajattelen että kivoja asioita ja kohteliaisuuksia pitäs voida sanoo kaikille, siis miehille kans, mut toki ulkomuoto ja -asu on aihe jonka kaa pitäs olla varuillaan. toisaalta jos alan kehumaan kaikkien miespuolisten työkaverieden hiusmuutoksia (sillon ku näen siihen aihetta) ni onkse sit vähän pinnallista, ruokkiiko se sit hyvin epäsuorasti kuitenkin ulkonäköpaineita? mun kokemus naisena on eri mut mä en ihan liikaa haluis kuulla edes kehuja ulkonäöstä työpaikalla nimenomaan, kun muutenkin yhteiskunnassa on jo sellainen painotus että naisissa tärkeämpää on se miltä näytät kuin mitä sanot. hieman kärjistettynä. mutta miehet vois oikeesti joskus kaivata jotain sellasta, koska ne ei käsittääkseni saa sellaista positiivista palautetta juurikaan. turvallista voisi olla vaatteiden tai sellaisen kehuminen. siltikin ehkä tärkeintä olis tietty sanoa muita hyviä asioita. mutta joskus kun yritän ni ne tulee ulos jotenki tosi oudosti eikä kuulosta aidolta tai luonnolliselta. voi tätä ihmisyyden vaikeutta... lol.

bag lady

before the holiday i did my part in supporting Labour. i admit im a bit voting obsessed, i tend to say that if u dont vote u dont have the right to complain. but im not sure if that can be solidly argued. even if discounting exceptions. still, i feel like it. and i especially have an issue when an individual IS vocal about politics, and i think the "but all politicians are corrupt/bad" is a bit of a cheap argument. not that some people don't really believe that but still.   

for the record i certainly don't think Labour is that amazing, or that they can do miracles... but eg. trying to build a better working relationship with EU is - i believe - for the good of this country. and thats being done now. 

miss R & her partner left me this bag which i told them i was looking to acquire. super nice of them. im loving it.

and if i didnt have so many canvas bags i would have acquired this one - amazing!

my holiday nails. couldnt pick so went with 2 different styles.

wine on Virgin flight (Nice)

it was low season in grenada so spacious everywhere.

caribbean.

breakfast in grenada.

memories of a past, even if not your own past

holidays are almost over. we returned from NYC this morning, red eye flight. mercifully short tho, 5.5 hours. ive been on planes too much this past month.  around 9 hours to grenada (8+1). then a few from there to miami (i swear im never going to that airport again, i said so after the first time but this time its for real) and a couple from miami to DC. and now returning. our US trip consisted of washington DC, short stopover in Philadelphia and then NYC. amtrak connect the 3 very nicely. 

a week in grenada was as expected, guaranteed sun and chilling caribbean style. it was also a proper rendezvous with our "holiday friends" that we met in St Lucia originally, a texan gay couple and an older essex couple. we enjoyed the pool and beach and i read a bit and it was just good. 

 

to add a pinch of drama, i was bitten by a bat at an outdoor restaurant. i was like hatever, i'll get a tetanus shot? doctor seemed really upset tho and told me i could get rabies. AND, that rabies KILLS. every time. who knew?! lol, says something about sheltered life in finland. i got my tet shot the next day, and antibiotics, and immunoglobulin. and my first rabies vax, cos f*ck me, u need several. i got my first 2 at the resort and they gave me the last 2 to go, i put them in thermos with ice, holds well for 24h. then just replaced the ice in DC. all good until NYC where the hotel mini fridge was way colder, i put the thermos next to the cooling element and the thing froze solid. i ruined my own vaccine. this morning on my way from aiport i called the GP to sort it, and i will be getting 2 more vaccines to make up for loss. better safe than sorry.

in DC we hung out with Cary & Chris and their friends. i especially enjoyed learning about the local queer life and history, the metro station architecture (late 20th modern, brutalist) and spaciousness of the city. after grenada's 30 or so degrees DC's 37 degrees was... uhh. i mean i was prepared but still. i also didnt want to move around with the metro because the green strip where museum and sights are is sort of worth seeing and experiencing. we had no intention of trying to see everything tho, u could easily spend a week trying... quite the opposite. actually the 2 things on my list were the Capitol and  the Supreme Court. exciting. and then we walked down to check on some of the museums, white house etc. walked so much my feet were sore for a couple days until i managed to rest. 

 

 

 

 

it was too hot for even rats (foreground)

 between sights and good food and experiences, i got my 3rd shot.

Philly was cute, good size and all. we got an overall idea of the city. it was 37c there too though. had to see the Rocky steps to start with. we also went to a medical history and science museum.

 

 

 

 city hall

 philly train station

 

i was eager to "show" NYC to doctor. its been forever since my last visit and i wondered if i will still love it. i did. doctor liked it too. we stayed in a hotel in williamsburg, brooklyn. a gentrified, hisptery area with vintage shops and cafes. and just one metro stop from manhattan.

bookshop

bagel

this church is angry...

history of the city of NYC museum

classic

9-11 memorial. the museum was good. but how is it that fire dept and police only get a discount non the admission, while employees of corporate supporters get free entrance? we met doctor's friend Jonathan who works for one of these companies and we got in free with him.

hotel rooftop had manhattan skyline visible

interesting bridge

taco truck

the 3 week trip felt longer as we visited so many places. i especially enjoy the colour and life of NYC, but seeing all the different cities was nice. DC is walkable and clean, proper. the food everywhere is very salty though, i get that my standards are extra when it comes to salt but dear lord, some of the meals were hard to swallow. overall great food though, of course, especially the latin/mexical food variety. my rabies scare was a good reminder tho why i feel better living in a country with free health care though  (thank you NHS). another thing i appreciated in the US was the amount of public wifi's, honestly. and usb- and power sockets in abundance in public areas. london feels cheap in comparison tho, US was scary expensive.

before the trip i got myself Hollywood's Eve by Lili Anolik and 2 books by said Eve (Babitz); L.A. Woman and Sex & Rage (and startd reading already). i came across Eve Babitz in another book and she seems to have been this one woman show with a lot of wit, good observations and interesting style of writing. reading her  makes me want to have been there (60s, 70s LA), her memories are inviting. i had L.A. woman with me on the trip so i was reading that.

im back to work on monday. glad to have a couple more days to resettle and read and unpack.  

you know you’re middle aged when u spend 10mins gushing over Dyson vacuums with a friend. but it really is a pretty remarkable thing, just saying.

last month i saw doctor on stage again. his theatre group did their yearly summer play. he was playing a psychotic cab driver that holds a couple hostage in their home, it was fun.

sails up

past month was so fucking hectic. good things though, just a lot. first miss R visited. ok that was over a month ago, but like a prequel to my busy period. but so then my dad visited. then my friend Antti, we went to see Wicked. then i went to finland for a mini visit as i badly wanted to join coworkers on a pre-midsummer party and had some paperwork to attend to as well. then i came back and went to a friend's all day birthday party. had a couple days to rest and then miss R and her wife came to stay for a few days. on top of this, work got extremely busy as it often does end of may & first half june as finns need to get all the projects wrapped up before everyone goes on a month long holiday. well now the guests have gone and work has calmed down. and i got ill. just in time for actual midsummer. well its not so important here anyway, but had to cancel some other plans too. i think i havent been ill this year yet, so maybe its only fair. and better now than during holidays. 

with coworkers we had a cool sailing ship experience in front of helsinki. also a nice dinner and a sauna on board.

 

the post-ship afterparty didnt go on super late which was actually good cos i had a very early 4am wake up to get to airport and back to london. i took an early flight cos i'd promised to attend Niina's 40th birthday party which started at 12:00 sharp with a bottomless brunch. i came home from heathrow and had 20min to change clothes and then headed to northeast london...

unsurprisingly, with the party starting like that with a bang, everyone was pretty tired by dinner time and so i didnt have to feel guilty for feeling too tired to continue at that point. it was a nice, sunny party day tho, music and rooftop fun.

then miss R & her wife came. and we had fun with them too, a drag brunch, shopping, gay clubbing, Sky Garden, nice dinners... 

city, near Bank station

cocktail bar in clapham junction

the (too many) gifts we got from miss R & spouse on their arrival. lonkero in pride colours for doctor, and Kyrö vodka and marimekko napkins for me. also got the dark bread i asked for. im eating it more in the recent years, always have some in the freezer.

yesterday after work, feeling a tingle in my throat like im about to get ill, i decided i defo deserve some sushi. mightve gone overboard idk. doctor helped me by eating the rest.

actual footage of me at work.

Bruno our foster cat left just before my trip to finland. he went to another foster and from there onward to a forever home. he stayed for around 2.5 months so we got quite fond of his dog-ish nature, always greeting everyone at the door (while also trying to sneak out), begging for cuddles, keeping company in the toilet... however it was time. as cute as he was there is a reason we just foster. no more litter tray cleaning (nor the smell of it), no more daily vacuuming. no more fretting over the rugs or other bits he is destroying by sharpening his claws. we will prolly consider continuing in a month or two.

i read in a Finnish article about festivals where The National was referred to as "music for the middle aged". as often as i refer to myself as middle aged, i was a bit taken aback, i didnt realise they are so age specific. oh well. im sure theres plenty of stuff like that.

The New Yorker: The Haunted Juror

some of my latest favs:
Alba August: Killing Time
Ellen Krauss: No Talk
Ghost: Mary On A Cross