kaikki paskaks

tää hesarin juttu itsekkyydestä oli jännä. tunnistin siitä asioita joita olen itsekin kelannut, mutta en omaa tarpeeksi asiantuntijuutta jotta voisin oikeasti arvioida onko tilanne ihan noin, tai et onko se ihan noin yksinkertaista.  

aloin viikonloppuna kuunnella Aino-Mari Tuurin kirjaa Menologeja esivaihdevuosista. kuten kirjoittaa toteaa niin ollakseen asia joka koskettaa puolta väestöä, siitä puhutaan oudon vähän. menopaussista toki enemmän etenkin viime vuosina, mutta siitäkin vähän. siitä että oireilu alkaa normisti jo neljänkympin pintaan tai heti sen jälkeen ei todellakaan ole mainintaa missään (siinäs mietit sit et miks helvetissä yhtäkkiä muisti on kuin dementikolla ja heräilet öisin hiessä ja ties mitä - ja naiset jotka menee lääkärille saa sieltä yleensä jonku masennuslääkereseptin kun ei lääkäritkään tunnista tätä, koska tadaa siitä ei opinnoissa juuri ole mitään). nyt näin viimeaikoina televisiossa ehkä Mehiläisen mainoksia privapalveluista liittyen näihin mutta on aika uutta. en ole kirjassa kovin pitkällä vielä mutta voin jo mainita jotain miinuksia; ihan hirveästi toistoa. ehkä jos olisin mennyt kirjan pariin ihan ummikkona ja olisin pitkäpinnainen, niin ei haittaisi kuulla 17:sta kertaa että menipaussi sijoittuu yleensä vuosille 45-55, mutta nyt se tuntuu vähän siltä että on haluttu kirjaan lisää pituutta - tai aliarvioidaan lukijaa. termistön pohtiminen pidemmän kaavan kautta ei myös ehkä ole my cup of tea, mutta maailma ei ole täydellinen tai ainakaan juuri minua varten luotu. on siis joka tapauksessa mahtavaa että aiheesta on kirjoitettu ja jatkan kirjan parissa ainakin toistaiseksi. 

suunnittelen taas suomen reissuja. nyt kun olen päässyt sen makuun niin tekee mieli käydä joka käänteessä toimistolla.  

työkaveri keksi minulle hyvän sloganin kun puhuttiin testauksesta: kaikki paskaks. se on oikeen vihdyttävä ja tarviin sen ehkä tarrana mun läppärinkanteen, sillä se on hyvä pitää mielessä. meillä töissä on haussa testaaja ja jännitän sitä et löydetään sopiva tyyppi, en ole ikinä rekrymielessä päässy käymään keskustelua testauksesta, tulee olemaan mielenkiintoista.

easter eggs

actual photo of me working

we have a new foster cat Tom. poor guy has had a rough life and he is scared and i’m sure getting neutered and dental work on top of everything wasn’t fun either. he’s been with us for a week now, decompressing and healing. he’s hiding in his carrier mostly but hopefully will start coming out slowly. i’m sure he will never be a lap cat but if he could be rehabilitated to live with humans again, that would give him a good life. he has been in a a large crate (and a carrier within that) mostly but now has access to the rest of the flat - yet he stays in his safe zone.

 
my new fav nail polish (Bang On by Revolution)

in the past 5 years 3 of my friends have had cancer. 1 died, 2 alive. they all had somewhat different paths, reactions, experiences etc - of course. i found it interesting even before my friends illness' to think about how serious threat to life tends to "put things into perspective", people sometimes find the courage to start living their life differently - other times they change their boundaries or attitude. it varies, but often theres changes. and so i observed* how my friends changed and what kind of shifts they made. not necessarily big stuff, but still. and ive always tried to learn something from these stories, whether it was my friends or not, asking myself if theres something that vibes with me and how i'd like to potentially live my life - without having the wake up call of a serious disease.
*sounds very clinical and almost detached, but of course part of this was me trying to understand and be present

we went to a see a local comedy show with doctor last night. unlikely typical, the place was very nightclub-by, and that included the music already before the show. not really my kind of vibe, but ok. then, the comedians were more amateur than i would have expected for the ticket price - and several of them had plenty of cheap sexist or just plain "old" humor (from "flirting" with someone in the front row to repeated prison-shower-sex jokes. both could actually be done well and be funny, bit it just wasnt). anyway, it was an evening out, an experience, and thats fine. from there, doctor went on to work to do night shift and i came home to enjoy some reality tv (Voice of Finland).

this morning i wake up as doctor returns home and comes to bed. i get up and he has placed this in the living room.

today i decided to enjoy a brunch by myself at a local restaurant while listening to an audiobook. im still working on Amia Srinivasan's Right to Sex, which always gives me a lot to think about and i end up googling and doing other things it inspires me to, and then i forget the book momentarily. for instance theres quite a few good questions and views on porn and how different generations "read" it, understand it and may be effected by it. theres no question that mainstream porn gives a a pretty twisted and unbalanced view of sex, and in lack of other examples we grow to think thats what it should be like. but is all porn bad or harmful, is the age old (mainly) feminist question? and if it is, how should it be tackled - banning it certainly shouldnt be the only option? my opinion is somewhere there on the spectrum, i see the harms but am opposed to blanket bans, and i can see some potential positives as well.

passing a local bookshop today i impulse bought Ellen Atlanta's Pixel Flesh, "A generation defining exposé of toxic beauty culture and the realities of coming of age online" (publisher). lets see how that is. while out, i also went to check the new local Post Office which opened a few days ago. it smelled of fresh paint and they were still installing stuff and it was awkwardly empty but it was OPEN. i am happy. it was hnestly depressing when the previous Post Office opposite to us closed about a year ago.

random cards at Oliver Bonas. brits do make nice cards.

by the way its so annoying how pretty much all books on amazon have a 4.5 star rating. like, really?

 

finnish month

i have been buying a lot of skin care and makeup products lately, really got into trying different things. they say 40+ is not supposed to use shimmery makeup but that happens to be what im into atm. also finally gave in to bronze and gold tones after strongly resisting for about 30 years. with skin care ive continued my hobby of testing products on one side of the face to see the potential difference or effect. its a slow one as you need to give anything at least a month. main take away so far - unsurprisingly - is that theres very little difference. sure one cream smells and feels nicer than another but the result tends to be identical to human eye and touch. this is obviously when products are somewhat in the same category, im not comparing hyaluronic acid to a thick night cream, but more like 2 night creams side by side. of which one is supposedly packed with all kinds of active ingredients, and the other is the no-frills version. anyway im quite enjoying this.

i spent almost all of march in helsinki. the longest time i’ve been here there i left 15 years ago. mine and doctor’s 15 year anniversary also passed while i was here, so we have to celebrate it later.  a month was long enough to form habits so when i got home i was like "my desk is at the wrong height" and looking for a Risifrutti breakfast in the fridge and such. it was a busy month but overall enjoyable. i stayed in this cozy vintage style airbnb with a futon, commuted to office every day and fretted over my skin getting so bloody dry with the sahara type indoor climate. on the downside i wasnt able to do much outside socialising, didnt read much and obviously skipped my pilates classes.

my airbnb in kallio

memory. its so weird i cant remember the disease that bats carry that i got 6 vaccines for, but i distinctly remember i left a tab open on my browser a month ago for re-ordering a laundry softener when i return home. 

so Mehmet Oz is going to be leading Medicare & Medicaid. i know nothing should shock me after 3 months of following The Trump Show but i keep rolling my eyes to a point i get a headache and honestly dont want to see the news anymore. in finland i was sort of observing local politics as the local elections are very soon. there were candidates handing out on the streets when i was heading to or from work - i even came across a friend, Hannu. one of my all time fav politicians Osmo Soininvaara is vouching for him actually so thats pretty cool. someone at work, in my team, is also up for election.  

i had my 45th birthday while in finland too and hosted a small gettogether at our office. doctor also came to finland for a few days during that time so we were able to celebrate my birthday together. i had booked a dinner at a nice wine bar/restaurant (Wino) etc. anyway i got these handmade socks from Anni (why do my legs look multicoloured??)

also got this Vampira book (Glamour Ghould by Sandra Niemi) from Elina which i am really enjoying.

dinner in Kirsikka with Ella. that day Zelenskyy was visiting helsinki and the traffic on hämeentie was blocked in the afternoon and i had to walk from kurvi to hakaniemi for this dinner - i see the positive in that i got a few steps in though.

feb 2025

i have a new winter coat. im not a puffer jacket person but couldnt find the type of parka i wanted, so i eventually gave up. i needed something warm enough for finland and the coldest days in london. my old coat served me well for like... 17 years or so. it didnt get as much use here of course - UK winter enabled me to wear other (less warm) coats at times - but it was falling apart in places.

 

im pretty proud of myself for fixing our building door. but also embarrassed i didnt figure it out before. for several months the building main door had been stiff. it has a mechanism to self close, neat. but now it wasnt closing anymore, instead getting "stuck" at the latch bit, so we would need to push/pull it close behind us. not practical, and the postie or delivery guys never would of course. we were seriously discussing finding a handyman or even whether a brand new door was necessary (tbf it IS old and not pretty). i just observed that the situation was getting worse and the latch itself seemed to be stiffer to go in when closing. took a bottle of WD-40 to it... and it was closing smooth again. f*cking hell. all these months of everyone in the building trying to remember to close the door and being annoyed... good reminder to really THINK about the problem before just throwing money at it. i even told my dad cos i knew he would be proud of me.

i have to say that as far as nail products go, Nail Inc.’s 45 second top coat is a great product and has made my life better. it really does the job. some products are worth the praise.

i had forgotten Sandel & Piketty’s book Equality: What It Means and Why It Matters has come out. i bought Kindle version now because it’ll be perfect travel reading to Finland and hardcovers are annoying in general. 

recently i was watching  a netflix docu series on this religious sect cult FLDS in the US. the fact that with documented cases of child brides, rape and pedophilia it is still running, is pretty amazing - and so repulsive. it was actually disorienting. after that i had to empty my brain with a bit of Love Is Blind.

Heilung has a concert in London in april, doctor already has a ticket and i’m considering getting one too. it’s not something i typically listen to but i kind of enjoy it. most bands im not keen on seeing live but their concert would surely be an experience overall. 

Spotify is recommending me audiobooks. the first one on the list? 1984. very well timed. with the sh*t show that is Trump, things seem to be going proper crazy. 

maintenance

i visited southampton last weekend, to see Aseel. we went to a David Lloyd gym for a swim, sauna, steam room and jacuzzi. relaxing to say the least. after that a dinner and drinks… good day. and nice to see Southampton a bit. cute town. 

this CBD trend is laughable, in a shampoo??

tried this drink in an interesting shape, taste was underwhelming, zero points. 

i saw this cleaning lady at my friends place and she recommended her so we r trying it out too. 2h every fortnightly. which is not a lot, and seems like a good deal since i think we just need a bit of help with some deep cleaning here and there. i’m lately working up to 100% and while doctor works 80%, he has his hobbies and further studies taking time. i’m so aware we r privileged and for some reason its embarrassing. the cleaning lady, Daniela, is really nice though so i’m hoping this is an overall good thing that could work. what surprised me is that she prefers to use our traditional vacuum cleaner instead of the dyson. turns out the former was a bit blocked and needed a new filter etc so i have to sort that out before her next visit.

i knew the story of the “OG scamfluencer” Belle Gibson but started watching netflix docuseries The Search for Instagrams Worst Con Artist anyway. i sometimes listen to podcasts about these subjects, i guess i find them fascinating. i don’t really see them in my feed - maybe i’m a boomer and behind on the influencer stuff - so it’s exciting and exotic. although, im following an american vet for example, what if he’s not really a vet and is working at this wildlife sanctuary with fraudulent degrees? maybe he is not really even working there but has access to these animals anyway. maybe he’s AI and doesn’t even exist lol. and maybe this doctor i’m following is not a doctor? the people i follow are not selling anything or asking for money/donations, but sometimes that’s not the point anyway. most of the accounts i follow are bunnies, but then there’s the odd doctor (eg. @doctorsoood), gillian anderson and meme style accounts like @Thisfeministbro. and @therapyjeff is lovely. also i follow a couple artists, like Katharina Schmidt whose style i like. hmm just now i came across a dentist account (because insta algorithms) and the profile says “raised 3 daughters cavity-free without fluoride” wtf lol… ok. and the tiktok train, i never really boarded. i have it and have opened its a few times but i think im just too old for it, it doesn’t make sense. and the famous algorithm… maybe i didn’t give it a chance but meh. 

i’m starting to plan my finland trip which is next month, im staying a bit longer which means a couple things need considering. like i need to get my nails and lashes done over there. i might need to carve out time for hair dye too. ok it doesn’t take that long, it’s more the idea of it i guess. the idea that besides work and seeing friends i need to do some self-care and maintenance work too. 

freudian weekend

 we visited Freud museum with dr on a day off. it was his last home and his daughter Anna continued living there until her death. i’m still confused about Freud. probably cos i didn’t really read him or about him, very much anyway. so fair enough. overall i found the museum visit enlightening and enjoyable. 

it has always seemed to me that Freud had some pro-equality thinking but also some very patronising, backwards views on women. the visit solidified this confusion. for instance he opened some doors for women in the professional field of psychoanalysis, but also said stuff like “Women oppose change, receive passively, and add nothing of their own”. my guess is he somewhat changed with the times so that could explain some of it.

Freuds study.

i started listening to this Economist podcast Scam Inc, which is for subscribers. in the middle of the episode there’s an ad, basically for the Economist itself but also referring this particular podcast “that you are listening”, meaning it was intentionally placed there. i’m slightly confused as to why they’re promoting a media and podcast that i’ve already bought into. but whatever, i’ll just continue with the podcast now. it’s about the current trend of mega level scams, cryptocurrencies etc. 

i met Aleks & Raissa for dinner at Ivy Asia. nice restaurant. 

gonna try oats for brekkie

Helsinki Mansplaining Massacre looks like an entertaining short film i need to see.

i watched Im Your Man, a german film about android partners of the near future. not a particularly novel idea (Cherry 2000!) but very enjoyable and not too predictable. ive recommended it to others.

annoying things:

1. if a teaspoon is too heavy and you eat yoghurt and leave the spoon in the cup, itll fall over.

2. an ad for a hairbrush i keep seeing where they claim that brushing your hair is the single best thing you can do for your hair. lol what.

in one of my dreams last night a pair of my sheertex tights magnificently broke, one hole turned into another and another and i just watched it happen. then i realised it was my first pair, which i got november 22, and i felt better. like, they served me well, i’ll get another. i rarely remember dreams much past right after wake up so this is different, especially as it was so mundane. how come i remember THAT dream?

something (ok not ”something”, Trump and Musk & co throwing shit at the fan) got me sort of worried about where everything is headed.    

i started listening to Rejection by Tony Tulathimutte. fiction! im so proud of myself. but it sounds realistic and is entertaining. so far, anyway. im only about 10% in. i checked how it’s officially described as since i’m not sure how to describe it; 

Sharply observant and outrageously funny, Rejection is a provocative plunge into the touchiest problems of modern life. The seven connected stories seamlessly transition between the personal crises of a complex ensemble and the comic tragedies of sex, relationships, identity, and the internet. (the publisher)

i found it via a mention in a finnish newspaper. well i think its a full review but i only got a few sentences into the description of a book that apparently describes being rejected with disturbing accuracy, after which i had to go find it. not sure why that sounded so compelling. real sounding feelings and experiences around romantic life often pull me in. 

Guardian article on ”how business bullshit took over”.

Aseel and i went to Brixtons new-ish board game cafe Otter Chaos to have a bite, and to play games obviously.

got these cute things from her (chocolate, soap, lip balm)

been also playing with doctor at home.

we had a date night on tuesday, went to Soif in Clapham Junction. 

i mean, what? i think im pretty open as to what legacy can mean. but guess not cos a casket of whiskey just sounds ridiculous. 

not a connoisseur, just opinionated

today was sunny for a few hours after a long grey period. i got so inspired i went out for a long walk at the park listening to an audiobook. 

ive started to wear joggers. its historical. i had a pair of loungers i got in Melbourne and wore on a rare occasion but i didnt own joggers and typically i just wear my "normal" clothes at home. then i got these grey soft joggers from work and i recently found them in my pile of clothes and its winter and i dunno - just felt right. it might just be a phase, and im not wearing them daily, but its certainly a big change for me. i never saw myself as a joggers kind of person. but things change.they certainly are comfy.

i was recently at a dinner where a brit asked me what is my favorite british chocolate. we had as a group talked about chocolates and i had probably mentioned some international brands but somehow the focus turned to british chcocolate and everyone in the table seemed to rave about one type or another. i felt very "put on the spot". i have barely tasted any british chocolate, and when i have, its reinforced my impression that its really unimpressive. not worth further inspection. im not a self-proclaimed chocolate connoisseur though, i just have an opinion. but it was incredible difficult to wiggle my way out of that question to avoid hurting any feelings. 

dr has been away for 10 days on a silent retreat which is his yearly 'thing' now and he is returning tomorrow. i dont get lonely as im well versed in entertaining myself, and ive socialised as usual etc, but it will be nice to have him back. i bought some things from the grocery today that he likes and will do a bit of cleanup.

a puzzle i finished.

kotoa etätöitä tekevä vaimo

tämä Long Playn artikkeli Li Anderssonin suosiosta oli ihan mielenkiintoinen.

hesarin juttu nykyajan kotivaimoista, siis nuoremmista naisista jotka on tai haluais olla kotona, oli kyllä jännä. mietin että onko joku heiluri taas heilahtanut toiseen nurkkaan - oletan että trendi tulee jenkeistä kun olen nähnyt juttuja tradwifeista. toisen haastateltavan puoliso hallitsee kaikkia rahoja, myös haastateltavan opintolainaa, ja hän pyytää käteistä kun haluaa tehdä ostoksia. toki ihmisillä on omanlaisiaan järjestelyitä mut toi kuulostaa kuumottavasti vallankäytöltä. vaikka olis kuin kotivaimo tai -mies ni kai sitä silti vois omata pankkikortin ja accessin yhteiseen tiliin tms?  tuossa tapauksessa yhdistyy ehkä kotivaimouteen jonkunlainen pre-1900-lukulainen "naisella ei saa olla omaa omaisuutta" mentaliteetti. se on varmaan ihan hauskaa kunnes ei sit ehkä enää olekaan. sama henkilö sanoi olevansa vassarifeministi. meitä on monenlaisia näköjään :D tosin mä en ole supervassari, seilaan jossain vassarin ja viheroikeiston välissä. en sinänsä pidä mitenkään vääränä että joku haluaa hoitaa kotia (ja mahdollisesti lapsia) kun puoliso käy töissä, to each their own, mutta se on perinteisesti hankaloittanut naisen elämää jos ei ole esim. mahdollista erota taloudellisista syistä tai rahkeita elättää itseään. silleen se, että monissa maissa omaisuus menee avioerossa automaattisesti puoliksi on ollut reilua kotiäideille ja sitä kautta naisille ja lapsille yleisemmin. en tiedä miten noi suomessa toimii, jos kotiäitinä ollut eroaa. onkse sit vaan elatusmaksut lapsille? tai jos on ollu kotona ilman lapsia, ni mikä on vakiokäytäntö, meneekö suomessa puoliksi? musta nykyään kun naiset yleisesti käy töissä ja on about samat mahdollisuudet kuin miehilläkin ni jos lapsia ei oo kuvioissa ni automaattinen puolitus ei ehkä oo oikeudenmukaista. mutta tossa on niin monta mahdollista tilannetta että en tiedä mitä ajattelisin. 

aloin kuunnella suomeksi Karsten Dussen kirjaa Murhat ja mindfulness. se alkoi tökkiä kuitenkin kun tarina lipui epärealistisempaan suuntaan. kirjoitustyyli on kyllä suht realistisen tuntuinen. 

sit suomen bachelorin uusi kausi alkoi. en tainnut edellistä jaksaa mutta nyt on ollut sopivasti aikaa joten olen 'tuhlannut' sitä tähän. se nuori mies siinä on tosi symppis ja kivan oloinen. pian eli 3. jaksoon mennessä kävi kuitenkin ilmi että se on aika 'new age', spirituality ja sillee. mutta onneksi siellä on useita naisia jotka tuntuis olevan samanhenkisiä, eli kaikki hyvin. 

suomeen on ilmestynyt uusi media jonka nimi on musta vähän heikko; Uusi juttu. olin ja olen oikeastaan kiinnostunut ja optimistinem sen sisällöstä mutta 135e/vuodessa on aika suolainen. etenkin jos maksaa jo muistakin uutismedioista (Guardian, NYT, Long Play), eli jää nyt tilaamatta. 

tax time. or not.

this weekend will be productive. i know so because im due to start doing my taxes. being self employed Jan 31st is the deadline to submit taxes for 2023-2024 (april to march, and i will never stop thinking this is  f*cked up). so i will find all kinds of things to do instead of the inevitable. and thats why i've scheduled it over 3 weekends, of which only 5 hours will be actual "doing taxes". which is really just collecting numbers and throwing them together. but its oh so frustrating. 

sunday status update:
so ive worked on my puzzle, started a new book (Aleksi Suomesta by Tuomas Kyrö, english outline) and ploughed through Love Is Blind Germany and watched a docu about Jerry Springer show on netflix too. on top of that i did laundry and spent a few hours with Jess & her family. and, i did spend about an hour on taxes. ok i guess i couldve gotten more done, but ive also slept a lot and just chilled in bed daydreaming.

another island checked

domican was a nice trip with friends. water wasnt as warm as i hoped but i could swim at least. overall warm caribbean weather of course. these all inclusive resorts are at the same time very sterile, oozing (unchecked) privilege as well as providing me that break from planning and stressing about everything. no need to think about money or logistics, just apply sunscreen and lay on a cabana. get a drink and grab something to eat while enjoying a book. try ignore that youre killing the climate and unaware of the culture outside the resort gates. its a balance, a compromise. 

i didnt read as much as i normally do due to socialising with friends, but continued on Want by Gillian Anderson and started South by Ernest Shackleton. 

as far as all inclusive resorts go, Majestic Mirage Punta Cana was imo slightly above average. on the positives; great wifi, plenty of cabanas and sunbeds, loads of fresh seafood,  reasonable distances within resort (from room to beach, beach to bar, pool to toilets, etc) and drinks (foreign alcohols and generally tasty). on the negatives; older rooms, chilly pools (fully appreciate it would be expensive to heat but its an option), slow service in restaurants and stinginess with beach towels. i dont let those things bother me too much, i am there to enjoy my goliday and honestly no place is perfect. this was pretty good and im glad we had the swim up room.

compulsory foot photo

my buffet brekkie by the beach

we enjoyed pool time

"natures swimming pool". we all went on a tour to Sanoa island and on the way stopped over at this place, u could walk in the water and there was an open bar.

me and girls in our outdoor jacuzzi

 the teppanyaki restaurant

before dominican we spent a few days (christmas) at my dad's in Austria. the whole family was there, my half-siblings and stepmom and her sister and her kids and their mom and the dog and probably someone else. so, proper family christmas. and they make it very finnish with the foods. its been a long time since i ate finnish christmas foods, and a first for doctor probably so it was nice. 

very weird experience in comparison to our christmasses in general, since we barely celebrate it. and now suddenly in a family setting. aside from trying to get to know my half-siblings more, it was good to spend time with my dad also.

coming home i realised i had made a slight estimation error with the heating. we arrived home at 10am on sunday and the flat was cooool. 15c. the heating was on though, but just 4 hours at that point, i hadnt thought about how long it takes to heat up fully... it wook until late evening. lesson learned: add 24h to arrival time for heating to turn on.  

back to work tomorrow, which is fine, although a couple extra days chilling at home wouldnt hurt.

a morning. a grey december morning though.

 i started off sunday with

• putting on my pink nightgown
• the wool socks from work which were too large but i succesfully washed them smaller
• spraying on Maison Margiela's Sunday Morning
• lighting up Yankee Candle's Home Sweet Home - which has a really christmassy scent
• playing Morning Has Broken by Cat Stevens/Yusuf

this was after i got up just as doctor laid down to sleep, he had a nightshift. yesterday when i got home from seeing Jessica and my goddaughter he was just about to head to work. so we are in opposing schedules for a few days. now its time for an audiobook* and jigsaw puzzling...

*audiobook of choice: Michael J Sandel: Case against Perfection

a couple nights ago i was watching Lex Fridman's interview of Kevin Spacey and while i have a generally favourable view of Fridman, i thought he was oddly helpful to Spacey when talking about the allegations, repeating "to be clear, you never prevented anyone from leaving" etc. like, what a hero, he didnt lock the door or use violence? i think by now we all know victims often stay put and dont put up a fight because of shock or pressure or feeling of lack of options. no one probably accused Spacey of locking the door - but they accused him of horrible things regardless. he was acquitted in court which is a fact and a result of a judicial process, but does not mean what the victims said is untrue, either. i dont have an issue with Fridman talking to Spacey, blanket cancellations are not my thing, but Fridman has been accused of not pushing hard enough on controversial topics or being too agreeable with guests and i agree with that here. what i found more interesting to watch was his podcast with Aella (writer, blogger, sex worker), she was quirky and has some interesting points on mate selection. i didnt necessarily agree with everything but it gave me something to think about and their interaction was amusing.

2 more weeks of work and then christmas holidays. i still have Love is Blind: Argentina to watch before that and i didnt even finish the latest US season yet.

New York Times: what speaking up in social media can do in Israel

Dec 1st so time to set up the Christmas tree

i was in helsinki for some work stuff and xmas parties and enjoyed myself. then i come home and the washing machine is breaking on me, making really loud weird sounds. not the first time. also occasionally it stops with an error code thats useless. it always recovers and life continues but with the dryer also not working properly (it was fixed once and the engineer said they are not really worth fixing several times and correctly estimated that it will happen again) i decided i'll put black friday offers to good use and get a new one. this washing machine has served us exactly 5 years. its unfortunate theyre not built to last and that fixing it turns eventually more expensive. i realise one of the causes for poor life expectancy is that its a washer dryer combo, theyre apparently notoriously crap - but we just dont have the space for both. and i have really wanted a bloody dryer all of my life so i had to have this when we finally got our own home 5 years ago.

at the company christmas party there were 2 activity options; bowling or sound bowl relaxation. which i think is also commonly referred to as 'sound bowl therapy', which i would say is inaccurate - it has no healing properties. however chilling down in the dark listening to relaxing sounds IS relaxing. i enjoyed it.

in helsinki i went to see vagina monologues at the local theatre in kallio with Elina. Elina because she is a theatre professional by trade. i feel a bit more cultured now. she had bought Alepa's Kallio socks for me and doctor as a gift - super thoughtful;  

 

before helsinki i made makaroonilaatikko as Ada visited me. i used real mince meat instead of the vegan replacement, didn't want to risk it. was super good even if i say so myself.

christmas party nails.

 

this talk by Esther Perel and Dan Savage is great - i really like both of them in general.

listening to some oldies goldies;
cat stevens/yusuf: morning has broken
bruce springsteen: the river
leevi & the leavings: jos helsinki on kaunis

only a reflection

ive been alone this weekend as doctor flew to dublin on friday morning to hang out with his friends. he is returning late tonight so i decided to vacuum the whole flat. he usually does that when im away - its nice to come to a clean home.  he'll be home way after ive gone to sleep so i asked him to cuddle me so id know. 

on friday i dined with Aleks and Raissa in Canary Wharf. yesterday Jess invited me to eat out with her family - always glad to see them all, esp Juliet as I will be her godmother. big responsibility and a big  honour. after that i met with Aseel and we ended up going dancing at the local gay club. here she is; 

i have been hosting Ceri's cat Pippin while she is traveling. Pippin is very well behaved and loves cuddling, but is also veeeery talkative. i have had to use my noise cancelling headphones at times...

i went to see Heretic with Nicola and his friend Tim. im not a big horror fan (anymore) but the topic of religion and Hugh Grant's role pulled me in. i liked the first half a lot, but from there onwards i found it too "basic", and less believable.

my most recent favorite song:
Manchester Orchestra: The Silence (spotify link)

living and not learning

i started listening to Sofie Hagen’s book Will I Ever Have Sex Again? which seems pretty light but has some interesting thoughts on the meaning of sexual encounters and how she’s wanted to share those stories with friends, on stage and in the book partly to make them more real, evidence that it happened. i think i can relate to some of those thoughts. but this reminds me i want to go to stand up shows again, its been a while. theres no shortage of good performers in london. 

im worried democrats will not want to set a female candidate again, as it tends to end poorly. some men admitted to voting Trump just cos they were opposed to a women being in office. the whole thing is so depressing, although not surprising. 

i dug my winter coat out of the storage, its getting close to 10 degrees. i still find myself freezing cos i dont wear enough underneath. well, im only 44, live and learn?

Cem bought a flat in south london near Borough, only 20mins from us, feels like we're neighbours! i went mattress shopping with him yesterday as the shop is within walking distance from us. he found his mattress so thats all done now. afterwards we went for a drink and he showed me pics of things he'd been looking at in ikea. he was impressed how many items i could name by just looking at his photo (eg. Kivik sofa, Poäng chair, Lack shelf...  and no, i have not owned all of them). 

today we saw Can & Burcu. to be exact, me and dr met Burcu for a coffee at 13:30 as Can was at work. then dr went to work, Can handed over to himm then he came to join me and Burcu and we had dinner and drinks together. in the interim period me and Burcu went to a boardgame cafe in Brixton and enjoyed some games. i really want to go back, it was a nice place. always nice to see C & B too. 

something around Tottenham Court Road the other road when i met Jamie.  

 

scented candle time of the year

my workplace celebrated its 20th birthday during my trip to finland. the party was nice and i think everyone enjoyed it. i certainly did, all the way until 4am.

i went to the street market behind the corner to get some croissants this morning. besides bakery, theres veggies, flowers, olivers, pastry, cupcake shops etc. all really nice and not the cheapest of course, but some saturdays i like to treat myself. i then also got some rustic sourdough bread, goat cheese and picked a bottle of malbec from the off license in the corner. looks like i will treat myself in the evening too. doctor is going to work so ill just chill by myself.

last night was also homebound for me. i read some news articles and watched netflix. there was a documentary about a british man who was in an abusive relationship for 20 years. he still seemed shattered. and the wife was really convincing, making herself the victim or suggesting self defence. if the man hadnt used secret videocameras to record her behavior, and taken pics of the extensive bruising, i think she couldve gotten awway with it. unfortunately the legislation i guess had its limits as far as convictions go and she got just 4 years. its good to make it visible that men can be abuse and domestic violence victims too. but also in general, educational stuff. i then finished LIB habibi. i recognised a lot of the middle eastern traditions and values in it, turkey is not that far from the arab world after all. some of it was interesting, some funny, some making my blood boil. like the guy who was running around shirtless but was very clear that his future wife is not allowed to dance, under any circumstance. and he went as far as to say "this is our culture" and that his (then) fiance will not find a man who would accept her dance hobby. all around a demeaning character. but theres a lot of cultures in that area, those were ridiculous generalisations. glad the fiance stood her ground and called it off. finally, i started a docuseries called The Manhattan Alient Abduction which seems to pin alien abduction believers against skeptics - interesting so far. the likelihood of intelligent life in the universe aside from earth i think is decent, but it could be in another galaxy, and it might be different, and 'less' intelligent than us, or more, but not able to travel to pther galaxies, nor interested in that, or if it is - perhaps just not keen on getting involved in our stuff. or hasnt even found us. of course there could be several forms of intelligent life. either way, while alient abductions could be possible, im thinking its not lkely with the (actual) evidence we currently have.

so why is it always recommended that everything is washed in 60c for hygiene and allergy and whatever reasons, yet all clothes and even bed linen have a max of 40c in the tags? theres a huge mismatch?

finished this puzzle last weekend after reurning home.

why do microwaves have "Chaos" defrost mode, what is that about, whats chaos about warming something up?

 

me and Miriam both had our eyes like saucers watching the trailer for babygirl. i messaged her about it and she had also just seen it and we both thought Harris Dickinson was hot in it. for me, he's not "my type", and too young, but still...  the trailer was overall hot and the dynamics interesting. someone might(?) see similarity to 50 Shades of Grey but both of us disliked that, it's not the same at all. okay maybe i shouldnt be talking about films without actually seeing them lol, but the latter i will pass, the former i definitely need to see.

kellot siirtyi joten loppu on lähellä

annoin taas kerran mahdollisuuden yhdelle kaunokirjalliselle tuotteelle. Juhani Seppovaaran Shakkimestari sai mahdollisuuden koska siinä esiintyy oikea ihminen tai joku versio hänestä, Igors Rausis. ilahtuneena voin sanoa että olen päässyt 23% asti ja kuuntelen kirjaa mielelläni. vaikka siinä on tarina joka etenee, välissä on paljon aika random kommentteja mistä pidän, vähän niinku ajatukset oikeestikin. detaileja ei kuvailla naurettavuuksiin asti ja tunnelma on sillä tavalla realistinen että en häiriinny.
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53% päästyäni mietin kyllä hieman että hetkinen. kirjan minä-hahmo kertoo julkaisseensa kirjoja jotka kyseinen kirjailija on kirjoittanut tai kuvannut (satuin katsomaan Seppovaaran kotisivuja) ja muutenkin jotain yhtäläisyysmerkkejä ehkä on todellisuuteen. tämä saattaa selittää osittain sen että kirja tuntuu "oikealta". mulla tuntuu olevan aito vainu sellaiseen. ja juuri kun luulin törmänneeni (täyteen) fiktioon josta vihdoinkin pidän! vaan mihin on kadonnut se lapsuuden jenni joka nautti stephen kingistä, tarzaneista ja muistakin tarinoista?

aloitin myös lukemaan Anna Kontulan uutta; Kadonneen järjen metsästys joka on vähän raskaampaa luettavaa mutta sopii tiettyyn mielentilaan sekin.  Kontulan terävää ajattelua on aina ilo seurata.

mutta mites tää hesarin artikkeli kellojen siirtelystä jonka otsikko on näköjään muuttunut... joten ihan turha linkittää mutta linkitin silti. otsikko jonka näin aiemmin sanoi jotain että kellojen siirtelyä tuhoaa unen ja meidät. siis oikeasti?! olen ollut aina vähän whatever aiheen suhteen joten ehken siksi suhtaudu sellaisella vakavuudella kuin monet, mutta jos artikkelissa olisi esitetty faktaa siitä kuinka kellojen siirtely "tuhoaa meidät"  niin olisin ollut avoin kuulemaan. sen sijaan juttu on musta aika basic, sellainen kun noi nyt on; aiheuttaa unihäiriöitä ja EU-parlamentissa on tehty X, Y ja Z ja on vaikeaa mutta kovasti halutaan asiaa edistää. okei. se oliskin jännää jos ihmiskunta tuhoutuisi lopulta kellojen siirtelyn takia, eikä esim ilmastonmuutoksen seurauksiin.
googlella löytyi vielä referenssi tuohon otsikkoon joka jäänyt talteen jonkun toisen jutun ohessa;

fur and wrinkles

 Samantha and Eva chilling. they left on thursday.

i have been lately getting allergic reactions randomly, hives and itchiness that comes out of nowhere and then calms down on its own. then it doesnt happen for a while and then suddenly appears again. the bodys immune system reacting like this is not too unusual, and i dont find it worrying. but dr knows that in 1/50 000 or whatever it could just get way worse and he prescribed me an epipen. we agree its an excessive measure but then again, why not. mostly its just annoying, suddenly being covered in red spots or welts and feeling uncomfortable.

dr cooks these recipe boxes and the food tends to turn out really good.

i came across this video, not familiar with the "school of greatness" and dont care but Esther Perel is amazing "unconditional love is a myth"  she is so smart and knowledgeable when it comes to relationships.

i went to see The Substance with Ceri last night. the theme of aging and pressure to stay looking young was what drew me in. i could relate to some of it as ive been keenly observing changes in myself the past few years. the style of the film kind of started changing half way through though and i didnt find direction and especially last querter particularly interesting even if i apreciated the homage to Carrie and other details. i did find that the movie was a bit too obvious about its messaging, but that was a stylistic choice as well i guess. and i dont have to link it. some of the visuals were great though and again, i recognised a lot in when it comes to seeing changes in yourself and how the world seems to judge women. ive found that what im attracted to definitely ages with me, Demi Moore looked amazing imo and i find myself thinking 40+ men are at their best. 30+ can look good too but 20+ guys (or girls) look like kids.  

nailpolish

dr turned 45 this week and i took him to this illusion art experience thing and eating out after.

this wet wipe package (by Cushelle) says biodegredable and flushable. i wouldnt flush these either way but since we had a pack i thought i'd test and let one wipe sit in a glass of tea and water for a week. mixing occasionally and picking it up to see if it would break apart on touch or pulling, nope. some small fibers came off but it kept its form fully. gross.

confused temp cat mom

we got 2 new foster cats, they are staying for just 2 weeks tho. samantha and eva, mom & daughter. shy little girls they are. but especially Sammy is slowly wanting more and more pets, like i need to get up 5mins earlier cos she needs her morning petting.

i started watching Sex Education last week, ive been meaning to for ages but just couldnt get around to it. somehow Gillian Andersons new book coming out inspired me. im enjoying both the book and the series.

after a little break im back to feeling confused. as in not sure what im supposed to be doing and what i want. work is pretty good now tho, keeping me busy with new responsibilities, so thats one question less. but the rest of my life… eh. i think im exploring my options and sort of in a transition phase. typical midlife stuff!

today i did a very adult thing. we're going to Jess & Ollie's to hang out with the whole family (2 kids) for the afternoon and i was panicking what to bring. i saw a street vendor selling flowers and realised THATS what people always take, flowers! so i got a bunch and felt very accomplished.

huonot vibat

tuossa muutama pv sitten hesarin sivulla lävähti vastaan iso mainos. nainen ja mies sohvalla kotibileissä. valaistus oli miehen kasvoissa joten katsoin niitä ehkä sekunnin ennen mitään muuta. sit kun katsoin niitä yhdessä niin tuli epämiellyttävä olo. vähän ahdistava. siinä kohtaa oli menny ehkä 3-4 sekuntia ja luin mainostekstin ” siinä on energiaa”. hämmennyin, tän siis pitäs olla positiivinen, hetkinen, ehkä katsoin jotenkin väärin. piti katsoa lisää. nainen vaikutti vetäytyvältä, käsi suojasi itseä. tarkensin kasvoihin ja etsin jotain positiivista. sit katsoin taas kokonaisuutta. olenko jotenkin väärässä, siis joo, ja Helenin logo, sähköä siis, kyl tän pitäs olla hyvä juttu jotenkin. sit kuvittelin itseni naisena, ja mietin että okei joo, voisihan noin olla, ja vakava ilme on oikeastaan himokasta silmäpeliä, ehkä tunnelma on siis hyvin odottava ja latautunut. mutta kun ajatukseni herpaantui ja astuin taas katsojaksi niin sama nihkeys palasi. mietin että hitto olenko joku hullun negatiivinen feministi joka näkee vaan ahdistelua ympärillään, tämähän on isolla rahalla tehty mainos ja varmasti mietitty, että kyl tässä on oltava hyvä fiilis?! mut lopputuloksena päätin et eikun tää on kyl nyt vaan vähän huonosti tehty, visuaalinen viesti ei ole tarpeeksi kirkas. naisen kehonkieli voisi olla myönteisempi ilman että mitään menetettäisiin. ei olis pakko hymyillä jos kroppa olis tarpeeksi selvästi messissä. vaihtoehtoisesti jos kropan on oltava noin perääntynyt niin ovela hymy kasvoilla kertoisi riittävästi. en näe mitään syytä miksi tilanne on jätetty on epäselväksi, 2024 ja post-me-too… miksi?!

olin tuosta niin hämmentynyt että postasin myös faceen, vaikkei siellä enää kukaan olekaan. no oli muutama ihminen kuitenkin ja useampi nainen liketti postaustani, ja useampi mies kommentoi. nimenomaisesti naiset siis painoi peukkuja ja miehet kirjoitti. olin tosi ilahtunut paitsi siitä että toi oli just noin päin, ja että jotkut arvostamani mieshenkilöt näki saman mitä minä ja osoitti niin selvästi tukensa. nyt tosiaan on 2024 :) ja toki naispuolistenkin tuttujen samanmielisyys tuntui hyvältä. olin jo ehtinyt kysyä parilta kaverilta whastappissa, myös ulkkiksilta, pelkällä ”what do u see in the pic?”, ja olin saanut varmistusta sille etten ole yksin kuvitelmineni.

aloin kuunnella äänikirjana Aallotar Haapasaaren Dionysiaa joka kertoo kirjailijan omakohtaisista kokemuksista seksityöntekijänä, mutta myös lapsuudesta ja muutenkin itsen löytämisestä. olen about puolessavälissä. se on miellyttävän raikas ja helppo kuunnella, kirjoittajan itse lukemana nautin persoonallisesta äänestä ja tyylistä myös. mua vähän ehkä harmitti että tyyppi on niin nuori, koska se tarkoittaa (mulle) että tuo seksityön kokemuspinta on silleen semisti ohut, eihän millään alalla muutaman vuoden ollut ole yleensä mikään asiantuntija - kuvittelen et 5 tai 10 vuoden päästä aiheesta olis vielä paljon enempi sanottavaa. mutta myös muu tausta ja seksuaalisuuteen ym liittyvä mitä kirjassa oli ehkä eka 1/3 ni oli mielenkiintoista, että silleen en valita. teksti on viihdyttävän oivaltavaa, ja siinä on vähän samaistumispintaa mutta kuitenkin tosi paljon erilaistakin.