simulation

while buying some pre-mixed cocktails in M&S and waiting for the assistant to come approve my alcoholic purchases, it dawned on me definitively that im never going to be asked for ID to proof age again. not that ive been expecting it for years (or a decade+), but then it happened every 2 years or so...until a while ago. now i think its safe to say that it wont. and of course, i dont remember the last time exactly, as u never know its going to be the last. maybe around 2023? i think im officially an adult now? maybe as menopause has a definition of 365 days without a period, adulthood should also have something similar; "2 years since you were last asked for an ID when buying age restricted items"? then you'd be knighted an "adult".  

i found this coin while sorting my wallet, its 50 pence. what a well worded statement, diversity built britain. so true and important to acknowledge.   

the local elections are nearing, and we got this letter from Labour. im not appreciating the ”greens and lib dems can’t win here” message, even if its traditionally been true. its always like that until it isnt, right? but with the election system being the way it is, it is risky to ”scatter” votes, i certainly dont want conservatives to take lead here. well, im going to have to figure out what to do. im also not in love with greens nor lib dems but have started having serious doubt about labour. locally theyve been decent perhaps but i always focus on the issues… 

on my way from helsinki to london a while ago security found this porridge-yogurt-thing in my bag which was classified as a liquid. fair enough, but i was surprised they offered i eat it there instead of just binning it. theres a table and chairs right in front of the security desks so i just sat there and had my snack in peace. after which i was allowed to continue. 

a tunnel to the metro in helsinki. quiet late in the evening. to be fair, always quiet, way oversized for helsinki needs. 

i typically eat vegetarian/pescatarian but on my birthday dinner in Cella (with Arttu, Otto, Elina and Eufemia) i wanted comfort food so meatballs and mash it was. that restaurant is like time traveling to the 80s, i like to go there once a year or so. i also had another birthday dinner on the actual day at Wino, which is a nice wine restaurant (with miss R, Amanda, Ipa & Jepa). 

i used my flight simulator birthday gift voucher yesterday. The A320 simulator was near Gatwick airport, and while used by pilots in training during the week, its open to paying customers on the week. anyway the instructor, a pilot himself, seemed surprised of a lone woman coming in. nice guy, and i dont know if he was kissing my butt but he said i was a natural at directing the plane with the stick. i personally felt like it was challenging, i have zero ”joystick” type experience, but i guess i did get a hang of it quickly. i really enjoyed the experience and learned a lot. for most if the buttons and other things though, its impossible to take all the info in in such a short time. we did a couple of take offs and several landings, with one ’full flight’ from gatwick to heathrow. steering the plane on the runway after landing is surprisingly hard, i ended up way off the middle of the runway a couple times. but thats better than running into a firetruck. anyway, loved it, and if it wasnt so pricey i would do more of it. picture of the simulator below. 

earlier this week it was nice and sunny… then suddenly there was a hailstor. rare to see hailstones this big.

earrings i found in a charity shop in finland, made of pennies, the defunct currency. 

while in finland i started listening to the podcast Rest Is Politics, by Alistair Cambpell and Rory Stewart. its interesting, not toooo deep but also not super light, and i appreciate the occasional civil disagreement. it hits the right balance for me. altho AI pointed out that while it presents itself as left vs right, its actually pretty much centrist liberalism, and very ”establishment” okay, so, fine, maybe not super original nor ideologically challenging but i like it, so. 

we probably have another foster cat coming tomorrow, Norbert. he has been at another foster’s for a few months now while hes been going through various treatments… poor guy really has had it rough and has only one tooth left due to extensive but necessary dentist work.   

suosittelen mieskirjaa

löysin jostain kirjasuosituslistalta tms Joonas Pesosen Penisyklopedian. joka oikeastaan on kaikesta muusta kuin nimestään. ehkä raflaava nimi toimii clickbaitin tavoin, ja toivottavasti, koska kirjassa on tosi hyvin asiaa kulttuurin ja yhteiskunnan asettamista rooleista miehille ja miehisyydestä ylipäätään. mä keskityn noihin juttuihin paljonkin mutta yleensä siis naisten näkökulmasta, mutta toki mua kiinnostaa miesten elämä ihan tasa-arvomielessäkin. kirjassa on kohta jossa Pesonen kuvaa nuorena päätyneensä fysioterapeutin eteen, ja olleensa siinä puolialastomana peilin edessä kun fyssari kävi läpi kroppaa osa osalta, luetellen vikoja. toi oli mielenkiintoista koska itsekin olen joskus teininä ollut ihan samassa tilanteessa, ja siellä oli vielä fyssarin lisäksi jotain alan opiskelijoita. mutta huomasin mun ja Pesosen kokemuksessa eron: mä olin jo hyväksynyt, ehdollistunat tai tottunut siihen että keho on aina arvostelun kohteena, oman ja muiden, ääneen ja äänettömästi. ni siinä ei ole mitään outoa että joku arvostelee ryhtiä tai skolioosia tai jotain muuta. en sano että tilanne oli miellyttävä tietenkään, mutta siinä oli oma arkisuutensa. ja Pesosen kokemus avaa surullisesti niitä paineita mitä miehillä on sopia 'omaan muottiinsa' ja miten vaikeeta se on jos ei ihan sovikaan. kirjassa on sopivasti noita omia kokemuksia, joihin kuitenki ehkä monet miehen voi jossain määrin samaistua, mutta hyvin esittelee myös tutkimustuloksia ja yleisesti miehen roolin historiaa ynnä muuta, ja tasa-arvoakin sivutaan.   

katson suomen Petollisia, enkä tunne puoliakaan tyypeistä. tai ehkä just puolet, näitä vanhan koulukunnan julkkiksia tai muita, Ringa Ropo, Mato Valtonen, Susanna Penttilä, Wallu Valpio... ja Teemu Packalen tuttu vapaaottelusta. silti ihan viihdyttävää. 

 

very rainy feb

earlier this week i think i felt a random urge to shop, which sounds so...bad. but i genuinely needed to get this cream. and then, we were out of the hand soap in kitchen so i thought, well i'll pop in Sainsburys. and i kinda wanted a new scented candle. and then, there were these tiny food storage boxes, that we'd discussed needing. and then i realised we're prolly out of banana, so i got that. and altho we have a grocery delivery coming later this week, i couldnt wait for it to try some Alpro soy yogurt. i think ive tried it before but dont remember what i thought of it, and now ive decided on going non-dairy with my yogurt again. so. and so i ended up buying quite a few things. 

we have been watching Traitors (UK, US, AU) and i find it kind of fascinating. it is very much a luck game, but as a viewer we like to think we would be maybe better players, we would notice and sense who the traitors are. or we would be more strategic as traitors. i kind of find it sad how much it is about luck though, and although there have been a few different versions of the ’end game’, i think the odds are stacked against the faithfuls. either way, fun watch.  

i started listening to Pretend podasts series on The Word of Faith ”church”, which sounds more like a cult. but so refreshing to hear they are led by a woman, so rare with cults. gender equality coming to a cult near you! 

this New Yorker article on ultra processed foods and studies on them was interesting. i guess we knew processed food can be bad, but how bad, and its not all processed foods… actually it seemed kind of complicated. 

i heard scented candles might be bad for you. causing cancer, of course, its always cancer. i think im getting cancer from so many things that a scented candle here or there wont make much difference. sounds like a very fatalistic attitude, or just laziness.

finally finished this puzzle. it took forever… but i got to the end. and started a new, significantly easier one. also smaller, 1000 vs 1500 - its a significant difference in difficulty. 

breakfast today. thank you dr. (turkish cibir eggs)

dr and i went to design museum yesterday. it was smaller than i expected, but nice stuff. 

dr specifically wanted to go cos there was a Wes Anderson exhibition. i havent not watched many of his latest films, somehow it just doesnt appeal to me, although i liked his first biggr films like The Royal Tenenbaums.

what a stupid ad. and at a tube station, costs a fortune! says something about how many people will probably go for it. unfortunate.

at the AI & big data expo last week. 

pretty typical brekkie, although i usually only have one kind of fruit with the yogurt, muesli and chia seeds. not sure exactly how many nutrients are in this, but i would like to think this is a decent start to the day. certainly could be worse. 

started 2 books; Too Fat Too Slutty Too Loud by Anne Helen Petersen, and The New Age of Sexism by Laura Bates. too early to comment on either. 

quite chuffed that built a playwright automation this week with AI. 

queen-ish

 its both interesting and boring how ones spending tends to go up with income. from binbags to netflix subs, upgrades start to happen. and of course theres the things that did not fit the budget before. more subs! take away sushi! extra handbag! etc. maybe charity donations even? and a TV license. and its difficult to scale down if theres a need to. us humans dont want to give up benefits we've attained.

out of the movies now in cinema i think id like to see Pillion and Marty Supreme.

i got a new tattoo. i think i spent nearly a year thinking about it, on and off. feminism is a big part of me and i want a reminder of it too. and to put my money where my mouth is i made a donation to MSI reproductive choices the same night. day to day feminism is not about money obviously, but i want to try make a difference in various ways. 

last week was unusual. Jamie had brought up the idea of me accompanying him to Toronto, it is a new route for him as a flight attendant. i have friends there, and work was still pretty quiet last week so it seemed doable. it was just a 2 night layover and while im not sure how sensible it is to fly all that way for 2 nights, it seemed like a fun opportunity. and that it was. we met superkev and Hanna both, walked around the city a bit (in snowstorm) and went to CN Tower. but overall, took it easy, ive been there before and he will be there many times more so there was no stress in ”trying to see everything”. also i woke up early both mornings to do a bit of work and slept poorly for some reason so i was not the most energetic version of myself. what was really cool was flying in Virgin’s upper class - it was much nicer than i couldve expected. and Jamie w his colleagues took such good care of me, with champagne and all. also i got to see a bit of the dynamics of flight crews outside the plane, and we sat with the captain in the hotel bar on our first night there - he had interesting stuff to share. and after landing back on Heathrow i got to go to flight deck of the A330-900! that was great!

my upper class table nook with a mini cabinet. 

plenty of space and a huge bluetooth TV. i opened my seat into a bed, put in the bedding, closed the door and actually slept quite comfortably! holy hell its going to be hard to go back to economy after this queen treatment. 

Toronto when we were leaving to the airport. 

view from the CN tower.

we had Poutine, too. 

 some facts; 

• two wrongs dont make a right
• better early than late
• if u want time&sweat&sauna proof eyeliner its MAC Liquidlast
• its not worth stressing what to wear for someone elses birthday party or wedding cos in the end you wont remember and neither will anyone else, its not your day (as it shouldnt be)

 

  

trash pandas

last year i traveled to helsinki several times, but otherwise maybe less than usual. we returned from the dominican republic early january and then interrailed in france and spain in the summer. plus a remote work week in greece in september. and then to mexico for xmas holidays. but that’s not a lot in my books. oh and wales but does that count? traveling for the sake of traveling is hardly an deal but i would like to see some new places in 2026. like belfast. or croatia. mongolia. while in mexico i read New Yorker’s essay Case Against Travel, but i was left unconvinvced. 

i like Claudia Winklemann’s vibe, she has her own thing going. yes we have been watching traitors. 

dr made me this breakfast yesterday.

im reading a finnish book about the ”culture of selfishness” (Itsekkyyden aika by Keltikangas-Järvinen). it resonates with a lot of what i think i have observed. i think we have (western societies, that is) gone a little extreme in the collectivism-individualism spectrum. emotions and needs important, as is expressing oneself and taking into account individual needs, but it seems that we live in an atmoshphere where those are the primary drivers of anything. feelings always trump facts, individual needs always trump rules or the common good. however people are happy to contribute to the common good if they get praise and recognition for it.  the main purpose of life seems to be self-fulfillment, reaching ones full potential and never ending self-improvement. and there is not a lot of space to compromise or to consider others - unless they sing the same song and we can all support each other (as long as it bring us value and benfits our needs, of course). and this is coming for a pretty individualistic person who indeed is very much focused on herself… but i see this direction as harmful after a certain point. aside from judging my environment i will look in the mirror too. thats all i wanted to say. 

we were in mexico (east coast, near playa del carmen) with Can & Burcu. so nice to travel with friends who enjoy approximately the same things. the holiday was relaxing and educational. i also hurt my back when we played pickle ball but oh well, recovering well. 

food was good, weather warm and there were animals on the resort, like raccoons and coatis - super cute. but ive learned my lesson and didnt touch any of them. i liked how green and lush it was, jungle vibes.

anyway its a new year… 

 

settling into christmas coziness

the other week i was in helsinki, having a dinner with my friend in Belge. we pondered which wine to have, enjoyed the food, then got up to leave around 9pm - after all we both had things the next day we needed to be in ok shape for. gathering our coats and finding our way out we passed the live band that was playing there, jazz if i remember correctly. and it was just all so...middle-aged. and it felt good. being fairly healthy, having a stable bank account to fulfill the basic needs on Maslow's hierarchy and then some, having good relationships and a job that we find okay... it's no small feat. it doesnt mean u cant still feel miserable or lost, but if you have these pieces together, then you probably have some power or ability to try and work on those feelings, and at least some support to hold on to (in the form of other people). this is sort of a dream come true. 

this year i got further into skincare (started last year proper). until then my skin was really just kind of fine on its own without much attention. the dryness just drove me to this point and now i have serums and moisturisers and even masks. the dry cold air in finland was extra hard. this year i also listened to a lot of finnish music (eg. Vesta, Lyyti). aside my usual reality tv shows i tried watching some acclaimed quality shows like The Bear, Severance and Pluribus. i listened to a lot of audio books, and even finished several. they included some finnish biographies, feminism and autofiction. on the podcast side i liked stories about people who pretend to be someone they are not, either for monetary gain or otherwise. there was some true crime too, like a story about a female teacher who was allegedly dating her 14-15yo students some 30 years ago. aside from the cancer scare in the spring and having like 4 colds this fall i was healthy.  at work i had some challenging new responsibilities and tasks but overall a good year. aside from summer i didnt really do holidays much, if at all... that i want to change going into 2026. just a long weekend here or there would be good.

 lunch yesterday as served by doctor. officially the first day of holiday.

in the tube. very eye-opening. 

we are missing christmas traditions. ive been fine with that, im not a big christmas person. maybe partly cos after early childhood there were not many traditions and then i left home and never developed any - not spending time with my relatives and sort of spending christmasses in different places in different ways. the years in turkey did not help, lol. anyway, one can always form and invent new things, and i was discussing with AI what those might be. still undecided. 

sometimes doctor buys me a little gift when hes out shopping. like a ginger shot or sushi. used to be energy drink but i started getting acid reflux and only drink those rarely now. today he went overboard, having visited the new M&S nearby. he got me the ginger shot, and then...a few other things, lol. it was nice to have something to nibble while i was working on my puzzle. 

and man this is such a hard puzzle, the amount and type of detail... however i enjoy this very much. all the while listening to a podcast about free diving and doping. 

 

pieni algoritmien viilaus olisi tervetullutta

vähän hämmentää kuin surkeita noiden suomi streaming palveluiden (mtv3, ruutu) algoritmit on. olen miettinyt asiaa jo vuosia. mulla on niissä tilit eli olen tunnistettava käyttäjä. ja käyn niissä katsoo sellasia ohjelmia ku Diili, Legomasters Suomi, The Voice, Ensitreffit alttarilla… ja ihan normaalia on että kun kirjaudun appiin niin ekana tarjotaan jotain urheilua tai suomalaista sairaalasarjaa. sekä tokana, ja itseasiassa rivikaupalla. joskus joutuu käyttämään hakutoimintoa että löytäis sen saman ohjelman mitä katsoo yhden kauden joka vuosi. tai et ne ylipäätään tarjois jotain mulle sopivaa realityä. onhan se varmaan vaikea arvata että haluisin nähdä sen saman ohjelman joka kauden… samaan aikaan netflixiä ylistetään tai parjataan (riippuen katsontakulmasta) niiden aika osuvasta targetoinnista. ihan kuin se olis jotain magiaa. toki ainakin noihin suomalaisiin verrattuna se onkin. vaikea vaan uskoa et se olis kansainvälisestikin tollasta, eihän se nyt voi olla vaikeaa - kirjautuneille käyttäjille sisällön kohdentaminen?

en tosin haluaisi sitä uutisiin. kohdennettua sisältöä siis. uutisissa saa mielellään syöttää kaikille samaa kauraa - siinä on tietysti sitten toimituksella aika vastuu valita mikä on lukijakunnalle tai kansalle tärkeeä, eikä vain klikkien arvoista.   

siitä tulikin mieleen, hesari on tehnyt jutun Paavo Väyrysestä. se on mahdollisesti mielenkiintoinen joten pitänee lukea.   

 

punainen tai sininen pilleri

hesarikin tarttui siihen että nyt on kirjoissa seksiä, vaikka kirjoittaja näkee asian ehkä hieman eri tavalla kuin minä. en ole artikkelissa mainittua Itkosen kirjaa lukenut enkä ole nyt ihan varma kuuluuko se joukkoon, ehkä just tuosta näkökulmasta joo. en ollut yllättynyt kun luin että Fernandezin Vapaus luetaan eroottiseksi kirjallisuudeksi, se tuntui olevan joku muka-aikuinen versio harlekiini-kirjoista. ja saahan sellaisia olla, käsitin jutusta että nämä kirjat on myyneet hyvin eli kysyntää on. itseltä kirja jäi kesken koska liika epärealismi tökki, mutta jotenkin ajattelin että sellaisille kyllä on tilausta ja oli siinä myös jotain mistä pidin. kuten hesarin tyyppi sanoi niin naisten esittäminen ”aina valmiina” tuskin on hyödyllistä, sen enempää kuin sen olettaminen miehiltäkään. enkä haluaisi kuulostaa puritaanilta, toki sellasia aina valmis -kausia voi olla mutta tuohan kuulostaa vähän siltä mistä pornoakin kritisoidaan, kun siinä esitetään naiset aina halukkaina ja kaikesta pitävinä. ero pornoon on että näissä kirjoissa miehet on kaikki jotenkin maagisesti kiinnostuneita naisen nautinnosta, toisin kuin pornossa. totuus on ehkä valitettavasti siellä joissain välimaastossa, toki joo parempi tässä ikäluokassa kuin nuorempana. mutta kirjoissahan saa olla fantasiaa. sitähän ne harlekiinitkin oli, ehkä se on naisille tavallaan mieluisa fantasia että olis heti valmis, ja tietty se et kaikki miehet olis loistavia sänkykumppaneita. eli ehkä lopetan valittamisen. näissä keski-ikäisten naisten seksuaalisuutta käsittelevissä kirjoissa on kuitenkin paljon totta myös, moni tunnistanee voimaantumisen, itsevarmuuden ja paljon muuta mitä ei parikymppisenä kokenut. mielellään siis lukisin lisää näitä kirjoja, vaikkei ne kaikki miellyttäisikään kovasti -  makuasioita. 

olin helsingissä juuri. luvattujen varianttien maassa. maistoin piparisipsejä. ne ei tietenkään olleet hyviä mutta tulipa maistettua. itse melkein ostin kantarellisipsejä kaupasta. ja glönkeröä testasin myös, se maistui kylmälleoudosti maistetulle glögille. 

firman pikkujoulut oli kivat, tehtiin kynttilöitä, sit ruokaa, saunaa ja hot tub + jatkot. hyvin perusmeininki mikä viihdytti. sain jonkun nuhataudin mikä ikävä kun haluaisin siellä kuitenkin käydä toimistolla ja muutenkin, huono hetki kun paljon hommia. mulla on heikosti todistettava teoria että olenkin ollut tänä syksynä kipeä niin poikkeuksellisen monta kertaa siks just että on ollu niin paljon hommia ja olen stressaillu kans niistä enemmän ku pitäis. tilanne on korjaantumassa eli ei hätää, mutta mielenkiinnolla odotan jatkuuko nuhailu tai flunssailu sitten vielä. 

noloa sanoa mutta kun Long Playn joka toinen artikkeli nykyään on jotain ilmastonmuutokseen liittyvää niin olen vähän meh, en jaksa lukea niitä. aihe on tärkeä ja teen elämässäni jonkun verran ekologisia valintoja, toivon että esim vihreiden äänestäminen olis myös sellainen, mutta uutisartikkeliaiheena se ei ole kauheen vetävä mulle. mutta vähän niinku noi keski-ikäisten eroottiset novellit ni hyvä et noista kirjoitetaan, vaikka mä ite en vaan jaksa (joo tärkeystaso on eri mutta ajatus sama). 

aloin kuuntelemaan Sissi Enestamin Simulaatioteoriaa. se on ollu vähän basic ainakin alussa, mutta tykkään lukijan eli Enestamin vähän jännästä äänestä tai artikulaatiosta ja aiheessa joka tapauksessa on potentiaalia joten jatkan toistaiseksi ainakin. jos on muita todellisuuksia niin se olisi ihan jännä. tai jos olemme vain jonkun älykkäämmän lajin kokeilu tai nukkekoti, niin mielenkoontaista sekin, se ei kuitenkaan erityisesti mietityttäisi jos näin olisi. samoja juttuja sitä kuitenkin "pitää" tai "saa" kelata, että mitä söis lounaaksi ja miten valmistautua johonkin työjuttuun ja mikä päivä olisi hyvä tavata kaveria x. se, että minut olisi ehkä ohjelmoitu miettimään noita niin ei häiritse. kokemus olemassaolosta itseajattelevana on kuitenkiin niin vahva että tieto jostain muusta ei hetkauta sitä ihan helpolla. yritän muistaa Matrixin tilannettaa jossa Neolle tarjottiin punaista ja sinistä pilleriä - klassinen kohtaus - mutta en ihan muista tilannetta, eikö Neo olis voinut vaan viitata kintaalla pillereille ja sanoa että pitäkää tunkkinne. olisi toki elokuva loppunut lyhyeen. ja emme oliis nähneet Monica Belluccia kakkososassa. 

houmautin lääkärille eilen kun olin tulossa Helsingistä kotiin että on itsenäisyyspäivä, ja hän tietää kyllä mitä se tarkoittaa ja kysyi että katsotaanko sitä "receptionia" sitten illalla. katsottiin. en kyllä seuraa mitenkään silmä kovana, joskus se on vaan taustalla, mutta ihan kiva olla jotain tapoja ja traditioita. muita mulla ei taida 6.12 ollakaan. sunnuntaitraditioni on laittaa sunnuntai-mekkoni ja tietty sunnuntai-hajuvesi ja työstää palapeliä, muun rentoilun ohella. kuukausitraditiotimme on viettää suhteemme kuukausipäivää, tapa tosin on joustava, tilanteen mukaan siis. aamutraditioni vaihtelevat, eli niitä ei ehkä ole niin tiukasti. joskus syön pari viikkoa putkeen actimel-jogurttia, joskus jotain muuta. joskus olen hankkinut itselleni energiajuoman. joskus laitan meikkiä, joskus en. uutiset taidan kyllä nopeasti vilaista joka aamu. ehkä sekin on traditio että menemme joka vuosi joululomalla jonnekin lämpimään. vaikka vakiolomia, kesällä ja talvella, ei ihan miellä traditioksi, ne on vaan miten elämä aikatauluttuu käytännössä.    

   

 

first mulled wine of this winter

i started listening to Tortoise Investigates podcast on Neil Gaiman and the allegations against him. Paavo recommended. its good, and sad. Tortoise Investigates has other interesting topics too, im hooked now.

we hosted a dinner a week ago, inviting Gökçe and her friends Gülçin & Aykut. Dr made tacos and they were brilliant. 

finished this a while ago. the dark bits were challenging…

when i saw this puzzle i thought oh great, colourful and lots of detail! i should really know better. this level of intricate detail is a bit much and actually makes the puzzle challenging. 

random poster in the tube. London has these kind of things, i appreciate. 

there seems to be a trend “having a boyfriend is embarrassing”. i find it sad. im always the first to criticise men for various things (that theyve mostly been conditioned for but could make choices to improve) but i think that the trend is borderline misandrist. maybe this is a necessary phase to communicate womens expectations to young men (i feel this trend is mainly gen Z?) and maybe its not as bad as it sounds, 

 another work related thing that I occasionally think about is when I hear or read about people applying for “200” or whatever number jobs and not even getting any interviews let alone being hired. theres many versions of this, but the main plot is the same; crazy number of applications contrasting with poor results. i think unless it’s a very generic position, like a shop assistant in a huge city or a whole country, I think it’s unlikely to find 200 open positions that really fit your profile. which means the person in case is probably applying for all kinds of jobs they are not qualified for. it does not change the fact that its hard to get interviews or jobs, but applying for 50 jobs that really are not a fit does no favours, and does not prove anything. I totally understand when the job market is tough this happens, but if a company is looking for “a pastry chef with five years of experience”,  and you just got out of cooking school, and you apply… how can you be bitter for not getting an interview? i assume though, out of the “200” jobs, 20 might be perfect fits, and if you dont get an interview for those, thats crap and very demotivating. i hope to never experience that. my criticism was mainly directed at applying for positions you cannot be reasonably expected to be considered for. 

this NYT article on fashion week in Paris was interesting. 

this specialised book shop in Brixton village looked interesting but i was in rush and too aware of our overfilled bookshelves to go in.

Bugonia was refreshing

i finished another puzzle. and started a new one. all the while listening to Sophia Gilbert’s Girl On Girl. which was imperfect but very interesting. and i recognised myself in a lot of the example of how pop culture, the media and our societal attitudes in general have led me to behave and comment on women in harmful ways. its hard to rid of all the biases and filter the messages that we are given. but i wouldve appreciated more studies, more of a ”big picture”. anyway i did enjoy. anyway, after finishing the book i started Bell Hooks’ The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity and Love. and so far im really liking it. i think Hooks is considered a radical faminist in many ways but her empathy and wanting to discuss and men & all of our need to be loved really vibes with my personal beliefs. and yes, i associate radical feminism typical with somewhat different attitudes. but im not a feminist scholar, maybe my terminology associations are just way off. 

i saw Bugonia yesterday with dr. i enjoyed it althought at times it made me pretty anxious. the ending was the best. theres a couple Lanthimos films i havent seen yet but they are on my to watch list.

past couple years i feel like nearly everyone i know is saying the same thing about work; they are very overworked. many say they are doing the job of two. they are men & women, account managers, team leads, doctors and whatnot. both here in UK and finland. even middle east and north america. to be fair a few friends are just ”generally too stressed” (including me just in the past couple months, but at least i expect it to be temporary), but way too many are constantly working overtime and nearing burnout. some have changed jobs but it did not necessarily help much. so whats going on?  theres at least a few options; 

-employers, gov & private alike, have really cut roles and/or combined roles 

-work has changed; more admin & other tasks that add on to the work and take time/learning/etc

-expectations of work has changed (things are expected to happen faster and more efficiently than before?)

-ways of working have changed; same end results but more softwares, more multitasking, working from home (which we assume has made things better, but who knows)  etc

-peoples expectations have changed, of work and/or of themselves

-people’s ability to do tasks has changed (due to short attention span, other stressors in life, etc) so they can’t get the same things done in the same way or time as before

-my friends are a self selected group, perhaps i just befriend people in difficult jobs & situations

-something else, what? 

i do think something has changed and either way, it doesnt seem sustainable, so somethings gotta give 

im watching Game of Wool and finding Tom Daley with his pink eyshadow very attractive. kind of surprising myself because he looks pretty young and im generally not too into young men, like under 30. i guess im expanding? 

we got Triominoes and have been playing it with dr.

brunch with Aseel yesterday. 

  

lacking costume

 I struggle between price and preferences when it comes to books. some of the books I want to read can be found on BookBeat (Finnish), where I have an account already and so they are “free”, but for books written in english I would really rather read them in english. That means I would have to buy them off Amazon or somewhere. Ive already complained earlier how I don’t like the popular reading apps where you have to pay per book, or, you get one included monthly. they tend to be fiction heavy services anyway.

dont like: someone deciding to adopt a foster cat and then taking over a week to actually pick them up. like, maybe schedule your pet project for when you actually have the time. 

dont like: how the response to having foster cats is always without an exception ”aww, do you find it hard when they leave, do you want to keep them?”. thats probably what i might ask too and its a very natural question but im so tired of it. maybe mostly because i feel like there is only one ”right” answer which is ”oh yes, its terribly hard, and i wish i could keep every single one”. yes im exaggarating, but i do feel like the truth, which is that most of the time i feel relief (among other things) is not really what people want to hear. sonehow it makes me sound shit?! like, ive just looked after this animal for maybe 2-4 weeks, usually involving medications or other special care because theyve been spayed or had injuries, how is it wrong to be okay with them gone? why doesnt anyone ask dr if he misses the patients he discharges, would he like to keep them in the ER? yeah not quite the same but vaguely. i guess for me they are pets+patients both, often more of the latter especially at first. but for the person asking its just the pet point of view, and who would like to give away a pet, right? once they are healthy they become more of a pet but i still see them as subjects to look after mainly. and so often they have psychological ”injuries”, being very shy, having stress around eating, and so i keep worrying on/off about these things. i sound like im doing this reluctantly which obviously im not, but i do get stressed and there is a relief when that responsibility is gone. i enjoy the pet aspect (when theyre not hiding under a cupboard for a week straight), seeing them improve, starting to trust, the soft fur… but its a part of the package. i remember once when these cute baby kittens left i got teary eyed, i think that was one my maternal hormone cell expressing itself.

i do like: Jess giving me this book she liked and thought i might enjoy (Tomorrow And Tomorrow And Tomorrow by Zevin), giving random things to friends is really thoughtful. when Ada came over a week ago she brought me a whole sourdough bread she had made, that was a wow moment for me. and it was genuinely good 

i do like: Sainsburys Habitat scented candles - good value. 

i do like: dr being such a chef these days, i feel lucky.

Muriel

ive been the cinema a few times lately. One Battle After Another was quite good, it made me think. The Roses was so-so, i wouldnt say bad but also not great. I went to see these with Nicola who lives almost opposite to us. Then earlier this week i went to see Frankenstein with Simon from my ”dinner group”. it was visually pleasing and all but i think i should maybe stick with more contemporary films cos i wasnt that impressed and i had the same experience with Nosferatu. like, nice but not entirely my thing. so i am keen to see Bugonia as i have enjoyed previous Lanthimos films, it seems like it could be up my alley. 

the ads shown before a movie in the theatre are somewhat different than those in Finland or Turkey. theres your supermarket ad, car ads…and then a recruitment ad for the Royal Marines or an anti-knife crime infomercial. 

we went to dr’s colleagues halloween party, but i’d been so busy/tired i could not bring myself to think of a costume. i just folded.

website alive again

i feel something about shipping has become really tedious. or should i say shipping services. u go online and buy something. then it starts, the inbox flood;

we are expecting your parcel from (seller)

we have your parcel

your parcel is on its way to you

your parcel is being delivered today

your parcel delivery time has changed 

your parcel has been delivered

how was your delivery? 

how was your delivery? 

how was your delivery? 

how was your delivery?!  

 

i mean halfway through im already done. i understand people want visibility on their deliveries but its gotten a bit extreme. and the desperate pleads for feedback that every single service does now - its too much. 

me and doctor finally got around to going to Highgate Cemetery, where Karl Marx, Douglas Adams and Michael Faraday were put to rest. it was his birthday so i got us a tour too and it was well worth it, learned a lot about the history of the cemetery, graves - saw the catacombs - etc. i was surprised about the unmarked graves of which many were for the so-called “fallen women”, girls as young as 14 pushed into prostitution and dying from the poverty and diseases. 

as a part of his birthday, i designed a shirt with AI for him and had it printed. gemini made the title and most of the design too, but gemini (based on this and other experiences) seems incapable of fixing mistakes even when asked. it had written controlled with one L and i could not make it add the other L no matter what. i then gave the design to chatGPT and as usual, it fixed the issues and made the changes i needed. doesnt matter, in the end i got what i wanted.   

 

 

 

i got a couple new puzzles as i realised im running out. i just started a cityscape one (night time Hong Kong or something). 

my ancient suzi9mm.com website had finally deteriorated and the URL was just showing code...i noticed this about a month ago. i finally got around to just setting up a new site, a project i started a few years ago because i was expecting this eventually. i then moved over the domain and now at least i have something live, if not very polished. also missing a few pics i think. but im happy i got it back up. i want my photos to exist out there and be accessible still, even if it is a stale ghost gallery thats just a part of history. 

 

 

ive been listening to Sophie Gilbert's Girl on Girl: How Pop Culture Turned a Generation of Women Against Themselves. theres a lot i recognise and can relate to, some familiar thoughts and challenges. the book is a wider perspective than the title suggests and maybe sometimes gets lost in detail, but overall i find it pretty solid. i havent finished it and so i hope the book is going "somewhere", and hopefully somewhere with broader analysis and suggestions of changes. now it's been busy laying out pieces of evidence of which most if very observational.