fan's dilemma

 i was listening to Missing Richard podcast but it made me a bit uneasy. a lot of the entertainments these days is about making person centric stories and i think the aim of this one was to coax Richard Simmons our of his reclusife life OR uncover something dramatic. but it started coming off as a bit weird, like the world is entitled to get an explanation somehow. and that the people that Richard helped are "entitled" to a closure, and he owes them something. and then there were at the end some odd digs at how he should maybe not have been so eager to support people without any sort of mental health qualifications... i mean, at what point do u need qualifications? he didnt hold a therapist office? does Oprah have qualifications, does she need them? eh. overall interesting podcast, i just always focus on the problems.

and problems wise, does rammstein have some... so disappointing. also sad but unsurprising to see especially a lot of men make wise ass comments, the usual slut shaming and victim blaming. of course i dont have all the details and i assume we never will but just based on what is known about recruiting women for Till's entertainment sounds really uncomfortable. just because something is legal doesnt make it ok. and it does sound like something illegal has happened too. i really like rammstein's music so it bother's me extra. ive enjoyed the taboo breaking and boisterous art which has vulgar elements and it's teasing the norms, but the spell is broken when the vulgarity becomes real...  have i been naïve to think middle aged+ men singing about female body parts would actually behave like normal human beings outside the stage? i mean, i dont want to think so. the book that im reading; Monsters: A Fan's Dilemma is all the more current now.

 

the summer has truly arrived and i not only bought 2 summery dresses in the past week but also had 2 picnics. with Cem & Berkay on friday, and then yesterday me and doctor went to Beckenham park with Can & Burcu. i really like sitting down and just having a chat in a chill environment with no rush and no stress. under a sun. or maybe in shade if need be. ive perfected my picnic packing too, reusable utencils, plates, napkins, mini speaker, bottle opener, sun screen etc etc. i used to always forget SOMETHING, but with my checklist i do really well and im proud of myself. 

also thinking of new tattoos lately. ive been looking around to get inspiration and contacted a couple of tattoo studios well, so who knows maybe i get around to finally getting something done. 

working on my puzzle while listening to a book about the middle ages (and specifically the myths surrounding it, church crusading against science).

cha cha cha

käärijä & cha cha cha did so well last night, and clearly entertained around the world.  its not my type of music, but gotta admit it was catchy and grew on me. i also love seeing finns unite behind an event and a 'cause' as happened here. what was also cool is Lord of the Lost's cover of cha cha cha, i like the metal vibe a lot.

i also loved watching The Piano on channel4. lovely feelgood stuff. and i need feelgood stuff lately, my left arm has been aching like a MF... diagnosed as pinned nerve in my neck, so i've been following physio instructions to try relieve it. and it has been slowly improving. im soon back to normal. although the new normal seems to be that things 'break' all the time. my pilates teacher has cramp on her back now (she is around my age) and when i was in finland last week miss R hurt her knee. like, no one is doing anything crazy, they're just lifting a cat or turning around and then suddenly something hurts. pretty crazy. and i am willing to attribute a lot of it to general poor fitness and stuff but my pilates teacher does not fit in that category... so this seems to affect everyone over 40... 

i got this really inventive gift from Jess for xmas, she subscribed me to Stack so i get one random indie magazine per month, its always a surprise and its really opened my eyes to the kind of stuff that there is out in the world. my jaw is just dropping every month as i might even struggle to understand what the magazine is about. one was something about rural lifestyles so pics and stories of people who lie in the middle of nowhere and grow their own veggies etc. Believer has their own wikipedia page; " American bimonthly magazine of interviews, essays, and reviews, founded by the writers Heidi Julavits, Vendela Vida, and Ed Park in 2003. The magazine is a five-time finalist for the National Magazine Award.". then there was a large newspapery one (below) with just great photography of urban life, buildings, etc. i still dont know what its about but its pleasing to the eye, so. and then the last issue was Coming Out of The Fog, which seems to be stories of adoptions, told by the adoptees and kind of about their identity and such. 

one of the stupidest things i know is those expensive men's wrist watches that are advertised on the back covers of some magazines... like obviously Rolex but TAG Heuer and whatever... one of the most annoying ads is by Patek Philippe. cos i think its been running for years and its says something like "PP is not a watch you own. it's something you look after for thr next generation". trying to make it a family jewel or something. i think im just so far removed from that life i dont understand it. but i guess it's just the "Gucci bag" for men? expensive accessory to signal... whatever you think its signaling. 

 on my way back from finland to london. could almost see my home here!

may 1st i wen to lammasssaari and enjoyed the good company of arttu & eufemia and their intelligent & interesting group of friends.

 

 

in finland we had company development days outside helsinki. this is my room there. work wise we talked a lot about AI - of course. and while its scary its also inspiring.

i went to see burlesque at Gin House with Raissa & Aleks. it was a lot of fun cos besides the performers, the atmosphere was perfect.

random breakfast doctor made. perfect for finnish taste.

my new ring. really fits the polish. and my pink frames (when i wear them outside) and pink scarf. im going through a pink period again.

today was turkish elections. im a pessimist as i dont want to be disappointed. i dont expect a fair election - nor a peaceful transfer of power in the case that erdo 'allowed' Kilicdaroglu to win. which according to polls he would. anyway we will watch the election results tonight. 

currently reading Monsters: a Fan's Dilemma by C Dederer. not the best book ever but pretty good and a very interesting subject so i do recommend it. guardian had a good exempt from it, which is how i found the book.

meeee weekend

Arttu visited us for a week. good times. when i visited helsinki we didnt get to spend as much time together, and same when i spent a few days in helsinki just before the pandemic... so the last time we really had time was i think Feb 2020 when he came to see our new home. we visited a few places of course, finally i got to see Sky Garden too - it is lovely. we also watched Tove which i had really been looking forward to - and it was really good. now im just chilling alone this weekend, doctor is at work and im going to take care of myself.

Spotify suggested me this song, maybe on my weekly discovery list; Tuvaband: He Said Me Too (spotify link). i really like it. lately, when i have a shower i play music and im stuck on this one playlist in particular. listening to the same playlist every time ive learned how long my showers are. i usually get halfway of the 4th song here (spotify links): 

The Saxophones: If You're On The Water
Wangel: Reason
Ville Valo: Olet mun kaikuluotain
SYML: The War

shower is the time to chill and reflect so it's important to have a playlist supporting that atmosphere.

this NYT article on "Bad Art Friend" was a good read. and then this journalist wrote an thoughtful piece on who really is the BAD friend in the story. 

 im still hurt over the Bond film. a few friends have gone see it so at least ive been able to discuss it finally. not many share my strong dislike for the plot though. anyway ive come across a few GOOD, fresh  articles on Bond that are not just praising how good the new film is.

AV Club on how Brosnan's Bond paved the way for Craig
BBC's take on Bond's future

 

someone recommended i read Malcolm Gladwell

last weekend doctor took me out of town as my birthday gift. we took a train to Weymouth, a seaside town in Dorset. there was a farm b&b where we stayed. animals right outside the window. it was super cute and relaxing. chicken, ducks, pigs, alpacas, horses...    and it happened to be warm and sunny so we enjoyed the hot tub too. good weekend. best gift ever, well thought.

positives:
-air humidifier
-i definitely have the most amazing partner in the world - or so i feel. 

negatives:
-its extra sad so many female comedians depend on sexist humour too. i dont think i lack sense of humour but it just easily goes too low.
-got another FLU. W-T-F is wrong with me? jesus.


i just heard our (distant) friends who didnt want kids, ended up having one. due to a mishap and then further mishaps - bit murky. anyway, the message from them is NEVER EVER do it. lol. im sure many other parents disagree. i think the fact they didnt want one to begin with is tough, makes it extra hard. i also read that parents these days feel a lot of pressure and feeling of insufficiency and such. i think its related to internet and social media, the expectations have risen, nothing is enough or right in everyones opinion. i think people living in a remote village are more sheltered. while im not having kids and i think it is REALLY HARD, it shouldnt be so overbearing as what i read in the news... sounds like there is a problem.

BBC wrote about this facebook group im in. they do pub meets too sometimes, i have not joined. i think its a few thousand members - mostly 20something students though. but it IS interesting (and healthy?) to read thoughts from all sides of the political spectrum.

new things i read about today:
-presidential canditate Pete Buttigieg. sounds like a smart cool guy.
-Candyman. some aussie polygamist millionaire who lives his life on instagram. to each their own so that's fine, but the image he is portraying of himself is a bit yucky.
-Alabama prisons (NYTimes). holy crap it sounds bad. supposedly a developed western country?

we watched Bohemian Rhapsody yesterday. it was good for sure, i enjoyed. reminded me of my early teens which is when i listened to Queen a lot.

listening to:
Nancy Sinatra & Lee Hazlewood: Lady Bird (spotify)
Lola Marsh: She's A Rainbow (Spotify)

hoarder diaries

back home from finland, trying to recover...  i started some new projects at work so i will be busy the next couple months it seems. new challenges are invigorating though.

found new music today; Vesta (spotify link). finnish, chill and easy and  melodic.

i understand the whole business of cookies and showing me ads on facebook of items i may have just glanced at (eg. a dress at H&M, shoes in eBay..). however, why cant they develop and stalk me just a little bit further and conclude tat i already bought the good damn item?! no need to spend ad dollars on me anymore. i went to sendmybag website a couple weeks ago and bought the service for shipping a bag from helsinki to here. all in this same browser, of course. and i keep seeing ads for sendmybag every day, still. idiots.

whats the british obsession with cheese? cheese memes, special cheese portions in restaurants, "loving cheese" is like a religion. and yet, they dont make very good cheese, do they? i mean, sure, enjoy the cheese, i dont mind.

i brought with me or shipped 23+23+10kg of stuff on this visit. i really look forward to trips to finland when this "storage project" is over. i think next time will be the last. then i can just focus on work and see friends here and there. and maybe also just CHILL. my body is aching from carrying around heavy backpacks and dragging luggage around (one was 28kg - way too much), and its tiring to go through old stuff and having to choose what to keep. knowing that i can keep everything. once a hoarder always a hoarder? it is cool to find memories though.

 ... like myself some 20 years ago.

my flight back was yesterday and i picked up this from the airport marimekko shop;  classic finnish mug design.

i actually also got 2 mugs from my aunts childhood home which was recently sold but was still full of old items. not really our style but it was nice to have something that has been in the family.

 all this needed going through and packing/disposing. lots of PHOTOS.

this box was heavy. all the notes written by classmates in elementary school, pen pal letters, birthday cards from relatives from since i was 6 or whatever...   i saved a few and the rest had to go (i ripped them, didnt have a bonfire available).     

packed a framed photo too (grand piano) and struggled a lot in finding a method of transport, british airways said it was a no-go because of the width. at 122x82x9cm its challenging, and courier companies charge 'gold'. im working on it. arttu had it on his wall for years but now its time to redecorate and we thought we could hang it in our kitchen.

DPD fucked up with a delivery recently, not super bad but bad, and i had already forgotten about it but then i received this with a handwritten apology note. funny enough the cookie was broken. royal mail does not treat the parcels gently :D i only wish that as a customer i actually had any choice of the courier company used when i buy stuff. but the reality is you rarely know who will be delivering your shopping, until perhaps you get a tracking email or something. if i could, i would be ok with DPD - there is no unicorn. and i would avoid Hermes like the plague. i realise its just probably our local Hermes driver PLUS the very poor tracking/customer service combo that makes it horrible for me , but regardless of the reasons, it never ends well with them.

British Airways' inflight magazine;

Interpol tonight

damn ive been here for a year soon!! odd feeling...  it all came true, our plans. hmm, wow. im both surprised and not surprised. i am surprised once again how much life can change, not just organically but by planning. but i am not surprised that a an idea comes to fruition, as planned, cos i do have that ability to make shit happen. maybe i need to give credit to doctor too? :) this was a team effort but i certainly pat myself on the back. anyhow, there are things you cannot control and risk involved, but nothing catastrophic happened and here we are.

next week a turkish friend is coming to register at the GMC, he's gone through the same process as doctor and should be moving in december with his gf. im veeeery excited, i have taken it very seriously to help turkish doctors migrate here, and it will be nice to have an old friend from istanbul in our new environment.

its been a while since i wrote anything... what have i been up to, besides bunny sitting..  last saturday i went to london fields where anna celebrated her birthday. i met several of her friends, it was cheery and relaxed, chill picnic stuff.

then on sunday i went to greenwich where again we headed to a park with a group of friends. i played frisbee and football bravely - very unlike me but fun :) the summer was back that weekend, and on monday, 28 degrees! i finished work early and we went for a short park stroll with doctor. see here i go again listing things ive done. well, to each their own, this is what i do to document my life and im not too apologetic about it.

this guy and his dog on the bus were a sweet team.

Atlantic: How friends become closer . this article reflected a lot of what ive been thinking in the past few years. its nice someone has put it in words, meshed with science and even given a bit of further insight i can mull over. moving, which involves losing some friends, trying not to lose some friendships, and working on making new ones, kind of gets you to the core of this. and ive had some specific 'cases' that have had me question what friendships are made of, what are the expectations in general, whats fair to expect, what do humans need and what do i in specific need from my friendships for them to work, and so on.

love to listen lately:
Låpsley: Love is Blind
Kevin Morby: Harlem River
Benjamin Clementine: London (simply amazing)
Aine Cahill: Black Dahlia
Simon & Garfunkel El Condor Pasa (If I could)  (an old favourite)

...and tonight im going to see Interpol with Ro! havent been to a concert in years. there are simply very few acts im interested in seeing, even if i listen to a lot of stuff. Interpol passes the bar though. as does The National, which im supposed to go see end of the month. both concerts are "through" friends, theyve bought tickets and just waited to find someone who wants to join - pretty ingenious i guess, concersta re so quickly sold out, when you have a chance to buy there is no time to waste...  plus i dont think i knew either of these people back when they've bought the tickets.

Ocado is pretty nice, ive ordered groceries from various companies but their customer service and communication is really good so far. as an example this informative email i just received:

remembering Leonard

the past years blog writing has been almost arduous at times. 'arduosity' something im doing to myself, in my head, i think. some weird expectations, limitations.  i dont want to share too much of myself, and i am worried about the privacy of friends or the people i meet... and then there is alwys expectations of writing at least a few chapters before publishing...  where the F did that come from? when i started, i had the right attitude, i didnt give a fuck. i wrote as little or much as i wanted, and i pressed 'publish'. sometimes i posted a couple times a day i think. i dont understand why i am setting these rules to myself...

since the beginning of podcasts, i've been opposed to them, personally. i dont like videos where people talk, like educational videos, it never goes as fast as i'd like, i get frustrated. so it made sense - and still does - that podcasts are not any better. buuuut ive finally given it a proper go, and i admit it can work for me, in some situations. i guess it does have a lot do with the specific podcast. and i started with Love Hurts by Lea Thau. a danish woman talking about her love life, especially what's gone wrong, and in general about the expectations and fears that come to dating and relationships. i was listening to it sitting on a bus, on my way home, in rainy dark London around 9pm. it just worked. i was persuaded to this by Anna, a NZ girl i met through Vina (yay, the app is working!). she gave me a whole list of interesting podcasts to try out. such as
my dad wrote a porno    (not that funny i think, but ok)
the guilty feminist  (have not tried yet but sounds promising obviously)
2 dope queens
Love+Radio (link to "the living room" episode which i listened to and liked)

this afternoon we are supposed to go with doctor to see some area of the city we havent been to. need to just decide which one. it gets dark so early and it s a bit rainy and chilly so its not really fun walking around unless there is a lot of lights and stuff to look at...  and im not fond of long walks. we want to see busy areas anyway, keeping in mind we need to move somewhere by March 1st.

 i was sad to read about Leonard Cohen's passing. but it was so coming, he'd even said he is ready and knew it's not too far. his last album sounded to me like it was gonna be the last one, the lyrics were suggestive. of course he always flirted with the theme, and maybe just knowing that he was old, my mind automatically makes these connections...  either way it was his time and im happy i have so many albums of his to listen to. and the concert i saw in Helsinki was unforgettable, really touching. i also remember it for Avner & Elmor were there, and F & his then new gf (now wife) - so there was a level of awkwardness. but i'd decided to not be fazed by that awkward stuff, we had so many friends in common and i didnt want to make things difficult socially. that meant i took on some difficulty myself, but i rather did that than dance around social situations, i felt i should just soldier on.

"I was born like this, I had no choice
I was born with the gift of a golden voice"
indeed, that he did

following Trup with different points of view (heh, both below are from Guardian)

 

depressing details

deathandtaxesmag: Tina Fey's disappointing feminist hypocrisy. i am not so interested in Tina Fey although the name is familiar, the story itself is what sounds familiar. women calling each others sluts or whores is just... :( :( 

New York Times: South Africas Pistorius Problem

on friday i solved a major computer issue. im proud of myself. it reminded me that my computer is like 80-90 in human years, and could drop dead at any moment. not a nice thought.so i proceeded to making back ups of everything...

my new fav song is  Amber Run: I found (spoty link)

lately i heard so many horror stories about turkish work culture and other miseries, its depressing. corruption, ignorance, negligence...     earlier this week, a gay friend of ours called and shared that someone had called him and is blackmailing him. the blackmailer has  nude photos of him and wants money in order not to reveal them to the world (via internet and other means). and going to the police? you have to be very brave to do that, they might treat you just as bad - u never know. its a brutal reminder of how hard it is to be gay in turkey.

another friend i talked to last night told us about a job he had about a year ago. it was at a small factory. they agreed to 10-6pm working hours, but somehow it ended up being more less 12h days, every day, and no lunch break - he had to eat while working (which was not always fully possible). then after a few weeks of being super tired and hungry, his partner pushed him to "be brave" and take a lunch break. so next day at 12:30 or so he went out for lunch and the manager was like "wtf??!". when he returned, he was fired.

"insensitive Hitler banter"

so today i watched Sleeping with Other People. it was not a great movie but i didnt expect too much, either. however, it was a reminder of the liberal culture and atmosphere where i used to live. little by little your surrounding changes you. for sure, i still hold the same principles as before, but ive noticed that i feel different. i still go out in miniskirts in the summer, but every year it gets kind of harder, i get more and more conscious about it... there is that tiny worry over how much skin im showing if my legs arent crossed when i sit. while the reasonable me still firmly believes that its not my problem, its the voyeurs problem, i have that heavy cloud of almost shame. i noticed this a couple years ago already. and i think it just gets worse. so its really time to leave. as much as ive loved turkey, i dont want to become a woman who is ashamed and feels the burden of looking honorable, who cannot talk about certain things...  :/

tomorrow is a day off for me - hurrah

i got fresh veggies from the market and a salmon from the fish market next to it and made a salmon & egg salad for dinner. woohoo. it was almost like impulsive and inventive.

one of the first things i did when i got my "i5" was to assign some songs to the phone's alarm clock to wake me up with (links to spotify);
22 pistepirkko: birdy
lou reed: this magic moment
twin peaks theme
moby: one of these mornings
lovage: sex (i'm a) 

in my old phone i used kokomo by beach boys for a long time. it was awesome, but i wanted some change.

my classes with the 2 new students went quite ok, both very nice people.

sunscreen (mine is 50 SPF)

yesterday on my way back from work i met a familiar face on the ferry. took me a while to connect. it was a student from the school where i taught English. she was the one to recognize me and remember my name. told me she really liked my teaching. that felt nice :)

im wondering how much stronger leg muscles those people using the asian toilets have. there is one bar in kadiköy where they have the asian toilet... cant say i love visiting it, i especially feel like my shoes dont fit the surrounding. when it comes to the whole water vs paper discussion - i say 'both'. i dont think one needs to exclude other. but i wonder about people who only use water, especially as those people usually live in these hot/humid countries...(asia, middle east) - how the fuck is leaving the toilet with water dripping from between your legs practical? some heat and humidity makes it feel all the better...uh. i say: paper alone may not be perfect but water alone is kind of eww for certain.

the cat of the finnish president died :( photo of Miska and the newly chosen ministers last year.


i ordered a breakfast today from Bambi Cafe. the amount of bread perhaps surprised me slightly...














the amount of the breakfast itself (thats for 2 people) doesnt impress me however.















last saturday i went out with Senni and Melisa. then we ran into Nilla and her friends. nice people. then some TV people started talking to Melisa, the other guy was a news presenter i think. anyway, we hung out and did some bar hopping until the bars closed.

interesting choice of parking spot...
















Everybody Is Free To Wear Sunscreen by Baz Luhrman is great song overall, but here is a part of the lyrics that I especially like;
"Dance...even if you have no where to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions (even if you don't follow them).

Do not read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents; you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings: they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but what a precious few should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps and geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old; and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders."

a pair of Christian Loubuitin's, perhaps? yes, as soon as i got the cash

i created a grooveshark playlist for finnish music. its pop/rock... which is not what finns are good at. but im not into metal so someone else can work on that.

i need to be more open about shoe shopping. i have to come out of the closet and say im a shoe collector. i am tired of the "you have a lot of shoes!" comments. i am ALLOWED to have - i COLLECT them. ive decided that its an acceptable hobby and can be useful too...

my teacher-look tonight;



















some clothes i got last week when we were actually shopping for the doctor;

a pure red knit sleeveless dress



















purple skirt



















the doctor is moving here in 2 days. im nervous and excited. he wants to try fit his couch in the bedroom. my sense of space and size say its not a good idea but i decided to be flexible and give it a try, we can always change it i guess. perhaps it works. and if it makes him happy, ok.

a very finnish phone conversation (translated) with my uncle -father's brother- whom i havent seen or spoken to in perhaps 5 or so years.
uncle: XXX speaking
me: it's jenni.
uncle: hi
me: hi, did i call at a bad time?
uncle: nooo.
me: okay... well, i just wanted to invite you to my moms funeral.
uncle:...where are you now, here in Sysmä or?
me: in Turkey
uncle: oh... on vacation or?
me: no - i live here
uncle: oh, live... and u got a job there?
me: yeah i do
uncle: i see...and a man of course?
me: heh, sure... i do
uncle: finnish?
me: not finnish...
uncle: ok. so how long have u been there?
me: since early april.... returning perhaps next year or so....
uncle: i see. and when are you coming here now?
me: next week... i will handle some paper work and so.
uncle: so whats your job?
me: english teacher
uncle: oh... okay thats good
me: yeah, i teach adults, not children
uncle: ok... well its good to be abroad
me: yes, to see some different things...
uncle: to get civilized
me: yeah... so, october 2nd is the funeral date...
uncle: okay, at the church ground?
me: yes, at 10
uncle: and the memorial after?
me: at the XX cafe
uncle: ok... i see
me: so, i hope to see you there then
uncle: yes....alright...bye

omg i got work tomorrow morning

since i got my salary yesterday (despite a txt message on wed claiming that salaries are available at 16:30, they werent...) i went out today to buy things i need. hair dye (2.5), stockings, hair spray, toothpaste, a bread knife (1.75e)....

the pharmacy didnt have my meds as is often the case but they then ask me to sit down and wait while they go fetch it from another pharmacy, there is one in every streetcorner and sometimes a few in between... the pharmacist speaks english and he promised to keep a pack of my meds on the shelf from now on especially for me, so i think i will be going there from now on.

but the plastic bag-mania keeps bugging me. no matter how many bags im already carrying, and no matter how small the item i buy is, they enthusiastically try to shove it in yet another bag that i could carry home and throw in the trash. ive learned to say "i dont need a bag" in turkish for this purpose. my flat is full of plastic bags...i try to keep collecting them but somehow theres always a few around. well, they are easy to get rid of so i guess my problem could be bigger, but still, its a nuisance.

today i bought several small items from a mixed stuff/hardware store. the seller was about to start packing a bowl i bought (with paper, to avoid it from breaking - which is considerate) but i grabbed it and put it in the bag i already had, and then took some of the other stuff too...but meanwhile he started packing the bread knife... again, nice and considerate but the amount of paper and time that was wasted... and still i managed to not notice or stop him when he put the knife and the rest of the things in a new bag. my efforts to avoid bags are futile, i dont react fast enough and if the item is already in the bag and then i pull it out i think it might seem offensive. its not that i want to disrespect anyones fancy plastic bags, but they make life more difficult. i am often shopping with my fabric bag, but nevertheless if im not fast enough, i end up with plastic bags along the side.

i actually wore the same color on my toe nails all summer, pure red. i think its time to change and i bought black nail polish today (25 e-cents).

my mom wanted a white coffin and yellow flowers on top. and everytime i visited she kept saying that in *this* drawer all the important papers are ready, the will and whatever. this family friend/nurse Kirsi, i was always told she will help with the funeral and stuff. that she does, i am thankful. still, its so weird when that day comes. suddenly its hard to remember the details... it took me 2 days to remember there was a will to begin with although the content was often discussed. its weird we never actually talked about who to invite to the funeral. or maybe we did and i forgot.

im wondering if wellingtons would be nice and cool fall-shoes for work? its gonna rain a lot i think.

i keep liking Cocteau Twins.

Massive Attack: Paradise Circus (Uncensored)

IKEA let kitties loose

i just came from the grocery store but then realized i need more Coke Zero. gotta go to the shop in the corner later... im not a fan of Coke as some people though, but in lack of other options its my choice in Turkey. id reaaaaally love Sprite zero. i think i know what im drinking in finland. besides cider.

should go visit my grandmother this sunday

i just found out that Gonzale in dA is occasionally living/visiting Lebanon and Syria as well. cool coincidence, i dont know her well but we have common dA friends and i know her by (good) reputation. anyway, i commented on her blog and she immediately replied that we might be able to meet up. she is staying in beirut but could visit damascus. somethign she said prompted me to check the visa issue again and actually i now found info that said i could obtaina visa from the border. i then checked the connection between the 2 cities...
"There is no railway to Beirut, but buses link Damascus with Beirut (Charles Helou bus station), 115km, journey time 5 hours"
115km, 5 hours? fuck.me.

on sunday i obviously installed the most important things on my computer. now i continue with the rest. open office. office 2010. flashpaste. cuteFTP. wordweb. winamp + milk skin. lightroom. ccleaner. etc...

quickies in NY has two recent posts that fit well together perhaps, or i just like both; story of fav sexual experience & bw ceiling view.

this view of Damascus from a nearby hill or something requires looking the bigger view, it seems quite beautiful.

Aimee Mann: Wise Up - an dold favorite of mine;
"It's not
What you thought
When you first began it
You got
What you want
Now you can hardly stand it though,
By now you know
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up"

tralalala - national holiday wednesday

this is starting to scare me. ive written several essays this week and im slightly ahead in my schedule, doing the english teaching certificate. grammar though...oh GOD. i forgot its not really my thing. in fact, i have no clue. just a little technical detail, right? ...

so i have a date of some sort for friday - with the physicist. for coffee. im excited cos its been a while since i was on a proper date that i was interested in.

watching Top Chef (season 5, but i saw 6 first) i wonder if ill ever date a chef... F wasnt too far from a chef though and what happened with that??! i gained a LOT of weight. not his fault - not saying that. just saying. a chef would be cool tho... i could impress him with my noodle cooking skills...

and this is a song Miriam introduced me to, yay. im bouncing (or falling?). The Big Pink: Dominos
"these girls fall like dominos...dominos..."

dance moves to finish off the decade

one wednesday coming right up.

Miriam (out of all people) pointed me to this booty shaking dance awesomeness by Guetta & Akon... it may sound a tiiny bit anti-feminist but one shouldnt get stuck in 'details'... now, lets go you's sexy bitch!


for something more easy going, Moby & Amaral present Escapar;

lämmin ja ihana joulunodotus

oli just sellanen toi reissu keskustaan ku saatto odottaa. 5min stockalla ja hiki alkaa tulee pintaan. pipoa ei voi ottaa päästä kun hiukset on likaiset. hiuksia ei voinu pestä aamusella kun tänään on värjäyspäivä ja väri pitää laittaa likasiin hiuksiin. väriä ei myöskään ollut himassa vaan se piti tietysti tässä samassa jouluhässäkässä noutaa. vaan stockmannilta nuo kaikki saa helposti. se on kyllä kans mitä oon miettiny että mitä sekin kertoo että joka joulu sama juttu, yhden tavaratalon uumenissa hiessä aina edellisenä päivänä... jos olis kai fiksumpi tai jotenki, jotain, niin kävis eri kaupoissa, mutta ei. stockmann on jo monta vuotta saanut koko sieluni. lompakko tulee siinä sivussa.

sit kassit alkaa pikku hiljaa täyttyä ja painaa. kaikki on kokoajan yhessä kädessä kun toinen käsi hamuaa lompakkoa tai lisää tavaraa. kantava käsi alkaa vapisee, pitää vaihtaa. käteen jää muovikassista jälkiä ja sitä alkaa kuumottaa. oikeastaan pahin vaihe on alkon jälkeen tietty, siellä painoa kertyy. enkö jumalauta vois edes sitä hoitaa etukäteen?? alkosta aina akateemiseen. ja sit yleensä vielä takas kerrostalon puolelle kun jotain unohtui. niin tänäkin vuonna.

mutta nyt on kai hoidettu taas tämä. pitäs ehkä olla kiitollinen kun oikeastaan pääsee aika vähällä. ei tarvii miettiä kuusia eikä kinkkuja. tahi muita koristehärpäköitä. eikä todellakaan mitää laatikoita! minähän syön vaikka kukon kiveksiä, se on nähty, mutta suomalaiset herkkulaatikot tökkii... muutama lahja. siinä kaikki. edes joulusiivous ei mietitytä. etenkään kun tein jonkun vuosisata-siivouksen 2 viikkoa sitten...

mistä tuleekin mieleeni että kaapit on niin täynnä että vaatteet pursuaa ulos, ja tuol on noi pari mustaa jätesäkkiä vaatteita jotka odottaa levittämistään... siinä on puolen namibian vaatteet, about. mutta jotenki kädet verillä kun seiskan ratikkaa ei kuulunut niin hilpasin zaraan ja ostin ale-paitulin. tuntu ihan et hei tällänen puuttuu vielä...

Israelista en juuri mitään ostanut, mutta pari vaatekappaletta kuitenkin. punaisen paidan jossa kivat puhvimaiset hihat. ja kuviollinen musta hame.


















harmaanmusta kasarihenkinen neuleyläosa.













Tiitan FB statuksesta bongasin tämän helmen;
"murheisille sydämille / kärsiville, kaipaaville / petetyille, jätetyille /raskaan taakan kantajille / lasi täyteen..." >
"to sorrowing hearts / to those suffering, those longing / to those deceived, those abandoned /to those carrying a heavy burden / fill the glass ..."

here again

so im back home. and had a nightmare about missing my flight and something horrenous... was very glad to wake up find myself in my own bed. coming home last night felt odd, knowing there has been 2 people i never even met. as expected things are pretty much normal here.

i think today is reserved for taking care of myself and spreading my stuff back all over my home.

Arttu introduced me to some great music; Richard Hawley. (youtube). i know what ill be listening to on the christmas holidays.

and an AMAZING bun video - cheers up my day:

it knows not how it sounds

i recently found Annie Lennox's Love Song For A Vampire again. its a lovely retro love song, reminds me of the 90s.

"Th' rhythm of this trembling heart
Is beating like a drum.
It beats for you, it bleeds for you
It knows not how it sounds."



i finally installed Spotify on my phone today, on my way to work. got it working quickly. i guess ill eventually start using it too, but for now i might prefer my separate mp3 player.

in space and time

i need to find a way to block event invites from FB friends that are so distant to me, physically, that any events they might invite me to are not possible for me to go to. i hate getting event invites and then messages related to it, when its a comedy club on the other side of the world. not that i appreciate all the helsinki-based event invites either, but that is tolerable i suppose.

the event called Karris' pre-christmas party went okay, except for one major fail: more people showed up than i expected and my calculations were just poor to begin with maybe, and what happened is that we ran out of punch. it pretty much ruined my evening. i eventually found stuff to drink myself though and got effectively wasted but im eternally upset over this major failure. i just hope i will get a chance to redeem this one day. and i even left the party at 3am cos Tiitta & Emma were having a party of their own next door and kept calling me to come over. i could not resist. i have been crowned as their favorite "no-nonsense girl" :)

there were so many people at Karri's party i dont think i talked to even half of them. i got stuck with paavo and his friends and the friends he brought in. some italians and a japanese architect. i kept interviewing the italian physicist because hes researching dark matter and how it was 'born'. fascinating! other than that i think we spent 2 hours talking about porn with the italians, Paavo and a finnish cartoonist... i think it started from Rocco Siffredi, as he is italian and he has made himself quite the legend. i didnt know he was in Romance X. and then another movie, what was it again. something i havent seen.

the living room table catering at the party














Emma and Tiitta's kitty














the trailer for Love needs more appreciation, i think.



"Come loose your dogs upon me
And let your hair hang down
You are a little mystery to me
Every time you come around"
Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds: Ship Song

on april 22nd, 2010, i will...

i found Flash Forward (abc series) last night - thanks to Arttu. i was hooked on the spot, of course. i like the idea of seeing future and to think how to cope with it. things cant happen exactly the same way, if we see them happening, but i dont mind, i am looking forward to see how the writers explain the whole thing. but if i make up a 'flash forward-moment' (black out and see myself in 6 months from now) for myself, i have a goal to go to.

a lot of people are comparing Flash Forward to Lost... Lost is one of the series i never followed so i couldnt care less. and honestly i have to believe Lost was prolly better done... the acting and logic of the people in FF is not that amazing. but good enough to me. i like the idea. the abc.com website even has a "Mosaic Collective -website" where people can post their "flash forwards". nice.

so im now to reading the forums and trying to find spoilers too..


it was a decent day, this thursday. in the afternoon i got obsessed with the idea of making a website of some sort, with friends. just to post fun stuff or whatever... the concept needs work! i want to do something...

i am listening to this song on repeat...its so nice & easy... Say Hi To Your Mom: Blah Blah Blah (spotify). and youtube embedded cos ITS SO AWESOME: