September 14, 2010


yesterday evening my aunt informed me that my mother has died. she was ill for such a long time nobody could claim it as a surprise, but nevertheless it was not expected right this moment.

peoples expression of compassion and condolences make me uncomfortable, so i think ill avoid human contact for a bit. im not feeling social. and i dont care what most people think about this anyway. i was always imagining that when she dies, ill feel somewhat more empty and lonely in the world. and i do. the doctor came late last night upon hearing the news and so i didnt need to sleep alone. Miriam was also good company.

ive been dreading for the paperwork stuff that i will need to do for the past 15 yrs or so... and now its ahead of me. a family friend is helping my stepfather with the papers, so hopefully theres not much for me to do but anyway, im stressed. we cant decide on the funeral date yet either since theyre doing an autopsy, but perhaps october 2nd. ill go to finland then for a few days, and hope to not loose my job because of it.

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